The Null Set

Enough of you, crazy salmon and beige flowers

2008-02-11T12:43:00.000-05:00

I've moved on to more aesthetically pleasing pastures.

2007 a.k.a. a year when i guess some stuff happened, but i can't remember any of it

2007-12-22T20:23:00.000-05:00

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Tried eel.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions?
I didn’t set any. So yeah, I kicked ass.

3. What countries did you visit?
Canada, woo.

4. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Motivation. More time.

5. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Olivia’s first birthday, when the Sox won the series again.

6. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I got a pretty sweet promotion.

7. What was your biggest failure?
I let some ugly emotions rule me for a little while. Not a good feeling.

8. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope.

9. What was the best thing you bought?
A 30 gig iPod. Which I never would have had I known I’d be getting two 80 gig ones free from work.

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My friend Kasey, for accepting a risky and intimidating work assignment in Moscow.

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Assholes on the road. Just like all the time.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage, Zappos.

13. What song will always remind you of 2007?
"Moneymaker” by Rilo Kiley.

14. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Happier
b) Thinner or fatter? Same
c) Richer or poorer? Richer

15. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise.

16. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stressing out.

17. How did you spend Christmas?
I’ll be in my pajamas. Oh, and with my family.

18. Did you fall in love in 2007?
I fall in random, short-lived love a lot.

19. How many one-night stands?
So many its ridiculous.

20. What was your favorite TV program?
Rock of Love.

21. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah, why hate?

22. What was the best book you read?
That giant Nirvana book.

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Not really anything. I can’t even make anything up. The Into the Wild soundtrack was amazing though.

24. What did you want and get?
A new car.

25. What did you want and not get?
Sack o’ cash.

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
Superbad.

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I’ll be 30! I’m going to dinner with my people and plan to get really fucking trashed.

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More drinking, less drama.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
I wore clothes. I am still a fan of the pointy power boot.

30. What kept you sane?
My friends. You guys rawk.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
This is such a nothing question. I like the same ones, Christian Bale, Eddie Vedder, John Krasinski and George Clooney. And since I didn’t date any of them, thus finding out that they’re not as cool or beautiful as I once thought, I still like them.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?
The war, illegal immigration, the burgeoning presidential race.

33. Who did you miss?
Amanda; we only saw each other for one day. I owe you a visit in 08.

34. Who is the best new person you met?
Did I meet anyone new? I like new people. If you’re new and I met you, you’re the best new person I met.

35. Tell us some valuable life lessons you learned in 2007.
Even if you have a baby, you should still go out and get drunk sometimes. ESPECIALLY if.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Long nights allow Me to feel i'm falling
I am falling
Safely to the ground
-Long Nights, Eddie Vedder, Into the Wild

Craaaaaaaaap

2007-12-19T20:42:00.000-05:00

Blah, I got in a fender bender this morning on 128.

I skidded on some black ice in stop-and-go traffic and rear-ended this middle aged guy in a Toyota Avalon. After the impact, I watched him have a mini conniption, gesticulate wildly, and jerk his finger toward the median, and we summarily went from two strangers in an unavoidable situation to passive-aggressive adversaries even before pulling over. We exchanged registrations and he made ridiculous comments like, "At least you could have picked a warmer day to do this." My reply: "This wouldn't have happened on a warmer day." Also, shut up.

In accordance with the Law of Jerks, his car sustained minor scratches, while I got a jacked up bumper, a smashed grille, and a bent license plate. It wasn't even his car; it belonged to his company. One of those motorist assistance vans showed up (who do those guys work for? How he hell did he show up so bloody fast?) and the guy came over to make sure we were both all right. Then he stopped traffic to let us back on the road.

The best part? While we were busy jotting down information, some random drove by and yelled, "IDIOTS!" Hello, asshole? It's first thing in the morning and 22 degrees out; why don't you shut your window and redirect that impotent rage into demeaning waitstaff and jerking off at work, okay?

Not a great morning, I guess is what I'm saying.

Oh look, it's snowing... WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE TRAPPED?

2007-12-14T15:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was one of the weirdest winter days ever. It's New England, it snows here, we usually know what to do in these situations. We're not like North Carolina where they get half an inch and have to close school for a week. Yesterday, though, I don't know what the hell was up. People went completely apeshit bananas and jammed up the roads worse than Dick Cheney's arteries.

The snow started around noontime or so. We knew we were looking at somewhere between 8-12 inches over the course of the day, so my coworkers and I kept saying, "OK, we'll go downstairs for our free, fancy holiday lunch and then we'll leave." We went down to the cafeteria, sat around chatting, then went upstairs to shut down and pack up. We had our coats on and were walking down the stairs when one of the facilities people approached and said, "We strongly urge you not to leave yet."

"What? Why?" we asked. "We want to get out of here."

"Look out there," she said, pointing out the front door with her Nextel walkie-talkie. We looked. Taillights. Backed up from the road, into our parking lot. Nobody moving. We work at the top of a giant hill near a reservoir. If people weren't getting out of the parking lot, it meant the whole hill was backed up, and the reservoir ring road. No getting out.

"I'm chancing it," said the coworker I was with. "It's only going to get worse." And she went out the door, just as two wet, snow-covered, beleaguered looking people came in.

"Did you just come from the line?" I asked.

"Yes. Don't even go out there," he said.

I went back upstairs, hauled my laptop out of my bag and turned it back on. No work got done, though. By then we all knew we were stranded, at least for the immediate future. We stood at the windows looking at the same line of cars that hadn't moved in an hour. We watched NECN reports on the flat-screens. We called our people and let them know we wouldn't be home anytime soon. Some of us went out to get a jump on clearing off our cars.

3:00 came, then 4:00, then 5:00. The snow started falling at a rate of 1-2 inches per hour. Reports started coming in that the highway were giant parking lots. None of the roads were treated because the plows and sand/salt trucks couldn't get through. Then there were reports of multiple jackknifed tractor trailers criss-crossing the roads, reports of 30 minute drives taking 6 hours, reports of people running out of gas and abandoning their cars in the middle of the highway. People who had been sitting in the line of cars turned kept filtering back saying, "I waited for 2 hours and never even got past the guard house." "In 4 hours I only made it as far as the next building."

6:00 came, and the reports were only getting worse. The highway was closed in one direction, but we couldn't confirm which it was. We received an email: complimentary pasta buffet in the cafeteria at 6:30, movie and popcorn in the auditorium at 7:30. We went downstairs to eat and the kitchen staff stood by like war heroes. They had made us a feast: three varities of pasta, marinara and pesto sauces, sausages, chicken, and meatballs, salad, rolls, tiramisu, cookies. We gave them a standing ovation when they came out to finally rest and eat. The cafeteria was more crowded than at peak lunchtime. It was like bizarro adult summer camp.

8:00, 9:00. A cop arrived at the bottom of our hill and started turning people back up because it was so treacherous and crowded. When the cop left, people began to brave it. We checked SmartRoutes obsessively, trying to make sense of the colors and symbols. Everything was red and Alert! We called the brave ones on their cell phones and spoke in code "Left is bad but moving. Right is just bad."

10:00 p.m. Finally we got word that the access roads were clear. We made a group decision to go. We all tromped out to help clean off each other's cars and make fun of the new guy from Tucson. The plows in our parking lot generously helped push away the banks blocking us in. Inching along, I got down the hill and onto the highway. It was otherworldly... silent, abandoned cars all over the place, in the middle of the road, covered over, plowed in, hazards still blinking. I passed more than a dozen in both directions. I listened to Loveline, Jay Severin's show having ended three hours ago.

11:00 p.m. Home. Driveway plowed. Thank god.

Today. Sleep late. Work from home.

Goo goo, it's on

2007-10-30T15:07:00.000-04:00

Mike: Oh my GOD....fucking Boston! Who made the deal with Satan to get every single New England team to be unreal????
Me: Belichick… John Henry… Danny Ainge?
Mike: Mark my words… the Celtics will win the championship this year
Mike: So the sox, Patriots (if they can beat my beloved 6-1 Packers), and Celtics should all win.
Me: Oh honey
Me: I'm sorry to have to say this, but the Pats would destroy the pack.
Mike: Destroy the pack, eh? OK—what’s the bet?
Me: Whatever you want; I'll take any bet.
Mike: Hmmmmm… I will think about this one
Mike: Got it.
Me: OK, tell me.
Mike: Winner has to send a Patriots/Packer shirt/onesie for the loser’s baby to wear and have posted online.
Mike: I already have a Favre jersey onesie.
Me: Sure. What size, 18 months?
Mike: That would work.
Me: I'll go out and buy it today!
Mike: hahahaha
Me: I won't even keep the receipt!
Mike: hahahaha
Me: hehehe
Mike: Your bravado will be your downfall!!!!

Parking moron

2007-10-09T08:57:00.000-04:00

Let's say you're a person going to work. You pull into the parking lot and consider where to position your vehicle. There's a row with lots of empty spaces. You pull into a space and see that the one in front of you is free. "Sweet," you say to yourself. "I will pull through. Facing outward hastens my escape at the blessed release hour and also permits a colleague to park behind me."

Logical AND considerate, right? A win-win. Not if you're this one idiot in a [red clown car] though. This guy is an instigator. This guy has to upset the order. This guy is irrationally wedded to backing out. This guy prompted me to create a PowerPoint slide to showcase his obstinance and my mild annoyance, complete with landscaping (a.k.a. Fun with Fill Effects):

And yes, if you were wondering, some of the cars in our lot DO have forcefields and lighted under-chassis! And, uh, we have a taxi. Yeah.

Good luck getting through this one

2007-10-04T14:41:00.000-04:00

What did you do yesterday?
I worked, called a friend on my way home, changed and fed Olivia, had dinner, watched Ghost Hunters, and updated my MySpace profile.

What memory do you miss the most?
Going up to camp

What memory do you want to forget?
Hmm…I once made out with a guy my friend was involved with and I knew it would hurt her but he was so obvious about being into me that it was too fun to resist.

Name something you regretted after it was done?
Well, that.

What was the last song you heard?
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town by Pearl Jam before I voted it down on Pandora

What was the last CD you bought?
I don’t buy CDs anymore.

What was the last time you cried?
It was a while ago. I can’t remember.

What was the last movie you saw in a theater?
Superbad!

What was the last thing you ate?
A turkey sandwich.

Who was the last person you called?
A guy from work

What color nail polish do you wear?
None these days… I’ve been shamefully neglectful.

Have you ever made a model volcano?
No, but my sister did.

When was the last time you showered?
This morning

Who was the last person who complimented you?
Margo at work said I was a great dresser

What are you listening to?
Pandora online radio

What are you wearing?
Black dress pants, a black and white polka-dot top, and cute sandals

What are you thinking?
It’s 12:19, almost lunchtime.

What are you scared of most?
Bad things happening to the people I love.

How many people are on your buddy list?
Like AIM? Only like 4 that I actually talk to.

What is your occupation?
I’m in HR communications.

What was your marriage site?
We were married in a Catholic church, under a huppah, by a deacon and a gay rabbi.

Where was your honeymoon?
We went on a Mediterranean cruise.

What is your favorite place to live?
I always think I’d like to live in the Pacific Northwest for a while, Seattle or Portland, but I’m a Bostonian through and through.

Do you want/have kids?
A daughter, and I’d like one more.

What kind of car do you drive?
A black 2007 Mercury Milan.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Working. It will be my 5th wedding anniversary!

Will there be a WW III?
Oh, you mean we aren’t in it now?

Will politics ever be truthful?
HAAAA!

Will humanity snuff itself out?
Quite possibly.

Can the government be changed?
I sure as shit hope so.

Do you believe in the devil?
Maybe. I hope he’s like the devil on South Park.

Do you believe in god?
Yes. It’s a good safety.

Do you believe in aliens?
Somewhere, you bet. Do you know how big the universe is?

Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes.

Do you believe in the spirit/soul?
Yes, but it's probably a construct of the brain.

Do you believe in soulmates?
No. Not just one, anyway.

Do you believe in reincarnation?
Vaguely, in terms of energy. Not like, “Hey, I used to be a human, and now I’m a bug! Cool.”

Do you believe in love at first sight?
It’s coincidental, but it can happen.

Do you believe in karma?
Sure, but not as a cosmic force… just as a result of getting back what you put out there.

Who and when was your first crush?
The first crush I can remember was this kid Brian from school. He was in my dream the other night – no idea why.

Do you have a crush now?
No, sadly. They’re fun.

Do you have a celebrity crush?
No strong or new ones. My go-to guys are Christian Bale, George Clooney and Eddie Vedder.

Who do you want to be with right now?
Olivia.

Whose number do you want?
Nobody. I hardly use the numbers I have.

What is something you don’t understand about the opposite sex?
There are things I don’t understand about both sexes. Both are fairly simple creatures until you put them together.

If you could go on a date with anybody, who would it be?
Maybe Eddie. Find out what he’s like.

On scale of one to ten, how romantic are you?
Like a two.

First thing you notice about the opposite sex?
The whole face-hair-eyes-teeth combo. If I can’t take your face, nothing else matters. I notice clothes, too.

What do you look for personality-wise?
The same stuff everyone looks for… sense of humor, honesty, integrity, confidence, kindness.

What is your biggest turn on?
Guys who can dress.

What is your biggest turn off?
Bad kissers.

What is something the opposite sex wears that turns you on?
I love when guys wear dress shirts with the sleeves casually rolled up, like after work, revealing strong forearms and a nice watch.

What is something the opposite sex wears that turns you off?
Jean shorts with sneakers, socks, a T-shirt and a baseball cap. I don’t know, it makes them look like overgrown 8-year-olds. There’s a right way to do casual and that’s not it.

What is the most romantic thing that has ever happened to you?
It was probably when that guy drove from Chicago to meet me. That was a thoughtful, well-orchestrated plan and I was surprised, impressed, and duly reciprocal.

What do you wear on a coffee date?
I’ve only had one coffee date in my life, and I blew it off. But if I had one now, here’s how it would go down. It would be a perfect fall day, sunny and crisp, and we would be sitting outside. We’d be in the city, but not downtown. I’m thinking of someplace like the Second Cup in Montreal, which was on a corner in this funky, arty neighborhood. I would be wearing jeans, a cute top, and pointy boots. I’d have my jacket on the chair behind me but I’d keep my scarf on. I’d have sunglasses on my head and my hair would be all highlighted in the sun. The guy would be wearing wide-wale corduroys, a button-down (sleeves rolled up) over a t-shirt, and casual shoes or boots with maybe a fleece or jacket. He’d have sunglasses too, but no baseball cap. His hair would look awesome. We’d talk about travel and career and freaky stuff and we’d bond over something random and stay too long and then take a walk and pop into bookstores and record shops and there would be that delicious sense of sexual anticipation and feeling like the most beautiful and desired person in the world. What, that’s not how most coffee dates go?

Is it right to flirt if you're taken?
I wouldn’t call it right, but a little bit is all right.

Is cybersex cheating?
Yeah, it is. Don’t try to rationalize that one.

Do you want to hug somebody right now?
The guy from my coffee date, that’s for sure.

Who would you like to take to the prom?
George! He would make the perfect date. We’d get drunk at the after-party, hook up, and pass out for a while. I’d wake up at 6:00 and find him playing basketball (sleeves rolled up—this is now a given) with some guys outside. Then we’d all go to Denny’s.

Do you know what an aphrodisiac is?
Yes

What color is your jacket?
I have a new black trench and my purple corduroy jacket from last year.

What color is your razor?
Venus colored. Aqua.

What size is your bed?
Queen.

What color crayon would you be?
Granny Smith Apple. Tickle Me Pink sounds good too.

What are your feelings on abortion?
Damn, that’s a little heavy for a survey. I think abortions should be avoided whenever possible, but the safe medical option to obtain one needs to exist.

How long does it take you to shower?
15 minutes or so.

What does your screen name mean?
It’s the name of a gas station. But it’s more like a roadtrip emblem.

Thoughts on blonde pop stars in general?
No worse than brunette or red-haired pop stars… they all mainly suck.

Who do you trust the most?
My mom.

Is cussing a necessity in life?
No, but it adds flavor.

Is the world screwed?
We’ve been saying the world is screwed for years. I’m sure mankind will continue to stumble along, marveling at the good and evil around us. As for the Earth, it will reclaim itself one way or another.

Name something you can’t live without?
Softlips lip balm. I miss the lemon flavor.

What time did you fall asleep last night?
After midnight. It was an uncharacteristically late night.

Can you live without a microwave?
Yes… I don’t use the microwave much.

What do think about death?
Well, it happens. I’d like to think that I’ll be prepared for it when it comes. I’m much less fearful of my own death than the inevitability of having to experience my parents’ deaths. There is also, of course, the unspeakable possibility of outliving one's child, which should not be dwelt upon.

Why is the sky blue?
Sun, atmosphere, something like that.

What is a good trait about yourself?
I give good advice, and I really listen.

How do you react to change?
With resistance at first, but I consciously work to become accepting of it.

Do you talk to yourself?
Not often. Sometimes I have omniscient narrative in my head, like my life is a movie.

Does being psycho appeal to you?
No

If you wrote a book, what would it be about?
It would be about people who changed each other’s lives in some completely realistic way. I know that’s vague, but it’s the ability to capture human behaviors, mannerisms, perspectives, biases, and peccadilloes with believability that make certain books amazing.

40 burning questions

2007-09-25T13:24:00.000-04:00

1. Did you cry today?
No.

2. What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
I was checking my email, having gotten to work later than usual due to traffic. At 8:28 a.m. I finally opened my calendar and had a huge “oh SHIT” moment; in 2 minutes I was due a meeting at a facility 10 minutes away. I grabbed my stuff and took off. And I still wasn’t the last to arrive, so whew.

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Working.

4. What did you do in 1992?
I was a freshman in high school. Those legging tights with the lace around the ankle were hot. I was all rah-rah when our soccer team made it to the state finals. I was just about to discover grunge.

5. What song do you love right now?
All the songs on Rilo Kiley’s new album.

6. Three words to explain why you last threw up.
Work cafeteria shrimp.

7. What color is your hairbrush?
Depends. I use a forgiving pink one to brushing out my nasty snarls in the morning, a wooden one to dry my bangs, and a purple one to style after blow-drying.

8. What was the last thing you bought?
A banana.

9. Where do you keep your money?
In a checking account, a savings account, and some CDs.

10. What was the weather like today?
It’s unseasonably warm. Feels like August.

11. What's the best part about winter?
Scarves and Starbucks holiday lattes. That’s about it, though.

12. When is your birthday?
December 27.

13. Are you over the age of 25?
Yes.

14. What were you doing last night?
Picking up Ziploc sandwich bags that Olivia scattered all over the floor like a freaking flower girl, cooking spaghetti, watching the awesome season premiere of How I Met Your Mother, folding laundry.

15. Do you sing?
In the car, yes.

16. Does your screen name have an "x" in it?
No.

17. Do you know anyone named Daisy?
No. It’s a good name for a yellow lab puppy though.

18. Do you make up your own words?
Not as well as Don Vito.

19. Are you ticklish?
Yes.

20. Would you say you're feisty?
When provoked.

21. Favorite animal?
Other people’s dogs.

22. Name someone whose name starts with the letter "B"?
Ben Affleck.

23. Who's the last person to call you?
A work person.

24. At what age do you want to have kids?
Der. How about 28?

25. What is your favorite candy?
Peanut butter M&Ms.

26. What is the next concert you're going to?
Henry Rollins spoken word.

27. Where did you go today?
Work, over to other work building, back to work.

28. What is something you say a lot?
UN-believable.

29. You're at a friend's house in the bathroom and realize there is no toilet paper. Do you ask them or look yourself?
I’d look. Or use Kleenex.

30. Do you have to work tomorrow?
Yes.

31. Who was the last person you said "I love you" to?
Either Joe or Olivia.

32. Soup...out of a can, packet, or homemade?
Homemade is pretty much out of the question. Restaurant-made is preferred. Box soup (Lipton’s chicken noodle in the packet) is good in a pinch on a cold night.

33. Do you have a nickname?
Not really. I’ve been called various derivations of my various names, but nothing that sticks for life, like Murph or Sully.

34. Are you a heavy sleeper?
I’m a decent sleeper. I wake up during the night but not for any good reason.

35. What are you listening to?
Pandora radio.

36. What is the best movie you've seen in the past two weeks?
I haven’t seen any in the past two weeks… Superbad was the last great movie I saw.

37. When was the last time you did the dishes?
I haven’t full-on done dishes since we lived in Somerville. Love you, dishwasher.

38. Name someone who made you laugh today?
Joan, on Little People, Big World: “I couldn’t be married to the husband. He doesn’t work; he’s always out building pirate ships and pumpkin catapults. I’d be smacking his ass all over the pumpkin field. GET A JOB!”

39. What's your favorite quote?
“You might as well do something while you’re doing nothing."

40. Guiltiest pleasure?
Rock of Love. Who’s it going to be, Heather or Jess???

Damn I wish I still had those college entries!

2007-09-24T15:35:00.000-04:00

But I don't, so this survey will have to suffice:

WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER ABOUT YOUR FIRST YEAR IN COLLEGE

Where did you go?
University of New Hampshire, Durham, NH

Where did you live?
Scott Hall, room 301

Who was your roommate?
A horse-obsessed little person who wore puppy sweatshirts with Peter Pan collars and went home every weekend. Really.

Do you still talk to your roommate?
What do you think?

Songs that remind you of the first year?
So many! “Dancing Nancies” by Dave Matthews Band, “Hook” by Blues Traveler, “One of Us” by Joan Osborne, “Pillars of Davidson” by Live, "Spiderwebs" by No Doubt, “Ready or Not" by the Fugees, “Mona Lisa” by Guster, “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette.

Did you drink?
Yes.

Favorite alcoholic beverage?
Freshman year we were just learning how to drink. We drank Mad Dog 2020 with Sprite, Woodchuck cider, and too much Natty Light.

Ever get in trouble in the dorms?
Not freshman year, but I did get busted for alcohol the day we came back for sophomore year.

What's something you remember when you first lived on campus?
My first few hours on campus, I was completely freaked out about not knowing anybody. Before my parents left, a guy I had met at orientation came by and asked if I wanted to go downtown for dinner. I ended up missing my very first hall meeting and my floormates thought I was a rebel. I met two girls that night who would both become really good friends. That was a gift.

Your campus phone number?
603-862-5825 I think. I remember it was all in one row.

First party attended?
Some party in the Gables, a typical UNH fiesta: keg in the shower, beer pong and quarters in the living room. Some guy gave shared his 12-pack of Keystone Light with me.

Favorite Pizza Place?
Durham House of Pizza. DHOP!

Favorite place to go out to eat
Young's, J.P.’s, Campus Convenience, the Icehouse.

Did you go to the library?
A couple times. This was when the Internet was still a novelty and we would crowd into someone’s room to watch their Netscape freeze ten times trying to download a single page.

What was your favorite floor you'd always be on?
3rd

Club, Athletics, Frat or Sororities, you joined?
I did water aerobics. Hey, it was fun!

Where did you buy your books?
Durham Book Exchange

Attend any concerts?
I saw Alanis Morrisette, Live, the Fugees (with Coolio!), and Guster.

Favorite night to go out on, and where did you go?
Saturday night, and wherever we ended up – Young Drive, the Coops, the Gables, old KD, Skullhouse.

Where did you get coffee?
The MUB or the Bagelry

Go see a play or been in one?
I saw Fiddler on the Roof with my parents on Parents’ Weekend.

What do you hate about your college?
Greek life

What did you love most about it?
The friendships I made.

Ever leave to go on a road trip, where?
We weren’t allowed to have cars freshman year, so a road trip meant taking the bus to the Fox Run Mall.

Where would you believe is the best location to live in?
Area 1, baby! I wanted to live in Congreve sophomore year. Then my roommate-to-be got knocked up and wanted to stay in Scott because it was quieter and all girls.

Will you go back?
I go back periodically. College nostalgia is fun. I like to see how the campus has changed, poke around in the Out Back, visit new Libby’s, blather on about things that nobody else can remember, like Vietnam Video and that junky store down by the DuMP where we bought our rug.

Senior Year of High School

2007-09-24T10:28:00.000-04:00

1. Who was your best friend?
I didn’t have one. Senior year my cliquey friends and I parted ways, and I hung out with individuals and work friends.

2. What sports did you play?
Tennis

3. What kind of car did you drive?
A white Oldsmobile Cutlass Calais.

4. On a Friday night what where you doing?
Playing pool at Classics, working, or hanging out at someone’s house.

5. Were you a party animal?
No

6. Were you considered a flirt?
No

7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
No

8. Were you a nerd?
I was an artist.

9. Did you ever get suspended or expelled?
No, just a couple detentions.

10. Can you still sing the fight song?
We didn’t have one. If we did, it probably went something like, “Please try not to suck, football team. Everyone is defecting to soccer.”

11. Who were your favorite teachers?
Mr. Landry.

12. Where did you sit during lunch?
With my clique. We seemed to sit in order of status, because I recall getting bumped down. After the schism, I hung out in the courtyard, the stone wall in the lobby or my friend’s car.

14. School mascot?
The Hornets

15. School colors?
Green and gold

16. Rival high school?
Lynnfield

17. Did you go to Prom?
Yes, junior and senior.

18. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
Jesus, no.

19. What do you remember most about graduation?
Feeling anticlimactic relief that it was over.

20. Where did you go senior skip day?
Did we have a skip day? My class always got the shaft. We didn’t get an eighth grade dinner dance because they changed the junior high into a middle school and sent two classes up to high school at once, we didn’t get our fundraising shit together for a senior trip, and so I’m assuming we didn’t have a skip day either. If we did, I probably spent it at someone’s house.

21. Favorite memory?
Random nights driving around with friends, listening to this god-awful mix with Bryan Adams and Brown Eyed Girl and December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night) and the Gin Blossoms on it. I also loved driving up old Route 1 by myself, listening to Nevermind and Hole and Weezer’s blue album.

22. Were you in any clubs?
Yes, I was involved in a bunch of college-application-friendly activities: drama, school paper, yearbook, outdoors club, academic decathlon, Massachusetts Alliance Against Racism and Violence.

23. Where did you go most often for lunch?
The cafeteria. My class lost off-campus privileges.

24. Have you gained some weight since then?
Yup

25. Who was your Senior prom date?
This guy Adam. He was in a band.

26. Are you planning on going to your 10-year reunion?
No, I don’t think we even had one. My class really seemed to hate each other, huh?

27. Who was your home room teacher?
Mr. “I Kiss My Cat on the Lips” Ward.

28. Who will respond to this?
Do it!

29. Who was your high school sweetheart?
Jeff of the obsessive time-stamping.

30. Do you still talk to people from high school?
A couple.

31. Did you win prom queen or king?
No

32. Where did you work at in high school?
Bob’s in Middleton

33. What were your grades?
Mostly As and Bs, Cs in math and chemistry… not quite good enough for National Honor Society, but then again I never tried.

No recess

2007-09-11T13:33:00.000-04:00

I've just been preoccupied. I've been reading this, 656 dense, indulgent pages detailing the history of Nirvana, staying up too late, covering 200 pages a night. And when I haven't been reading, I've been listening to Bleach, or Nevermind, or the box set rarities (Beans, seriously, what the fuck?) and basically "About a Girl," "Sappy" and "Lounge Act" on loop. It's like 1991 all over again. Sometimes this happens, the old obsession, the old longing for a scene that never existed the way we were spoon-fed, that was more commodity then camaraderie. What prompted an introverted junkie to become so many people's hero? What made a bunch of loud, buzzy, pop-punk songs anthemic for so many kids? What was it to me, to any of us, outside of MTV and art class and the mall? What made that time, those people, those ideals so important, any more so than us, our friends, our creations?

Survey fix... ahh

2007-08-19T11:28:00.000-04:00

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Credit cards. Clothes and shoes and bags and haircuts and pedicures should be free.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Well, considering my feelings on romance, it was probably forever ago. The fancy brunch we went to at the Lakehouse in Hew Hampshire was pretty sexy, in a bedhead and raw bar kind of way.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to whom you lost it?
No. It was kind of the best way. I wouldn’t want it to be all puppy love and nervousness and weeping with joy and relief afterwards.

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I would have waited to buy my car until it had the MP3 jack.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Landry. I remember almost nothing about first grade, except that velour was in.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Relaxing poolside.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
Teacher, writer, artist. My sister wanted to be a school bus driver for a while.

8. How many colleges did you attend?
One. By sophomore year I wanted to transfer to BC, but my parents talked me out of it and sent me abroad instead.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
It was in my pajama drawer.

10. GAS PRICES?
They’re actually not horrible right now. I used to seethe when it hit $40.00. Now I can fill up for $38.50.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you, where would it be?
Joe and I would move to Seattle or Portland. This would be in a non-children-having parallel universe.

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
It didn’t; today’s Sunday.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
Oh well, guess I won’t find out how the Bourne Identity ends.

14. Favorite style of underwear?
The tag says Hipsters, which I guess means they like to hang out in Williamsburg, smoke American Spirits, talk about their screenplay, and wear nerd glasses and corduroy.

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
Laundry. Fucking laundry!

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer?
Well, I didn’t when I was unemployed, so probably not, but I’d like to think that if I came from wealth and really didn’t need to work, I’d pick up all sorts of eccentric hobbies, and volunteering would probably be one of them.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
I love getting up early. I also love sleeping, so that sort of presents a conflict, but in general, I’ll pick getting up.

19. What is your favorite cartoon character(s)?
Randy from South Park. Oh I’m sorry, I thought this was America!

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a girl or guy?
Sit primly at opposite ends of the divan, talking about how we’d like to take things slow. The fuck?

21. Have you found real love yet?
Yes.

22. When did you first start feeling old?
Yeah, it was probably when younger people started showing up at work. We have summer interns who are TWENTY.

23. Favorite 80's movie?
Either Fast Times at Ridgemont High or Back to the Future.

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
I like turkey and ham. Mmm, monte cristo.

25. What do you get every time you go into Sam's Club?
I’ve only been to Sam’s once. A friend of mine in college worked there. He used to buy us big boxes of Swedish Fish.

26. Beach or lake?
Both.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No, but the pressure shouldn’t be so high to hurry up and do it.

29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Bad TV and snacks.

30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
Nah, I’ll tell you if I like something even if it’s lame. Blown Away with the Coreys and Nicole Eggert? There’s a hot sex scene in that.

31. What's your drink?
Usually vodka mixers. Or beer. I’m not a wine lover. I like it, but only one or two glasses.

32. Cowboys or Indians?
Whatever.

33. Cops or Robbers?
Robbers.

34. Who from high school would you like to run into?
Charleen W. I’m curious what became of her. Did she even make it to high school with us?

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
Probably FNX… 101.7

37. The Cosby Show or The Simpsons?
Simpsons. Cosby was kind of annoying.

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
I‘m cool with my mistakes. They don’t need to be taken back.

39. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
Heh. Yeah?

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Ed Vedder.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Nope.

44. Last book you read for real?
Harry Potter.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
I have one Amanda gave me for my birthday a million years ago, called Muffin. And Olivia has a few.

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
I dunno, someone’s house probably. With my finger.

47. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
Wine country.

48. Do you go to church?
No.

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Hmm, neither.

50. Just how OLD are you?
29

Someone's got to break the cycle, but it's not going to be me!

2007-08-13T09:32:00.000-04:00

What did you do over the weekend?
Kept it pretty low key. Friday night Red came over for calzones and a Dane fix. Saturday we went off on one of our random driving adventures. This one took us up Rte. 125 into New Hampshire. We tooled around UNH, drove up to Durham Point, stopped at a café in Exeter, and came home through Hampton Beach. Very random and fun. Yesterday morning we went food shopping early in the morning, came home, gave Olivia a bath, and all took naps. Last night we did exactly what you should not do on Sunday night: sat around, did laundry, and groused about having to go to work today.

What did you last cook?
I wouldn’t call it cooking, but the last thing I chucked into the oven was pierogies and chicken tenders.

What is your salad dressing of choice?
At home, Ken’s Italian with Aged Romano. Out, I love Chili’s avocado ranch.

What is your favorite restaurant?
Dali in Somerville – godDAMN that honey-fried cheese is good. Camp in Meredith, NH – bonus points for getting the ambiance just right. The Hardcover up the road in Danvers for amazing steak. Fresh City – good, and good for you.

What is your favorite ice cream place?
Richardson’s. Homemade ice cream, mini golf, batting cages, and a driving range, five minutes from my house? What’s not to love?

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
On a regular pie, pepperoni. On a fancy pie, spinach, prosciutto, and fresh tomato are good. On a white pie, there has to be ricotta in addition to mozzarella.

What is your favorite type of gum?
Orbit Mint Mojito is good.

Number of contacts in your cell phone?
Some.

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No!

Is love for real?
OK, we were talking about this the other day. I am a skeptic when it comes to romantic love and people’s expectations of it. It’s lovely at first but it isn’t sustainable. Passion fades—it’s meant to—and what’s left is how you treat one another every day. I look to my grandparents to see what love is. They’ve been married for 60 years. Love is making sure your 87-year-old husband eats a whole banana per day, not just half.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I wouldn't. I give all the names I like to my imaginary future children.

Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
OK. No press though.

Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
Der, yes.

Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
Er, no. Especially not if I’ve already walked naked down the street.

Would you never blog again for $50,000?
Gladly.

Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
Exactly: what magazine? And yes, there will be retouching?

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
I’m leaning towards yes. It would suck but $1000 is $1000.

Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
Whose life? I feel like I could be talked into this one.

Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
Yes. That would be a very interesting experiment. I’d be far healthier for it, mentally and physically. Of course, nobody is offering me $25,000, so I guess it’s back to rotting my brain with The Two Coreys and Scott Baio is 45 and Single.

Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
Totally – clever and offbeat is the best kind of humor. You try making something so absurd appeal to a mass audience. Plus, it’s eminently quotable.

Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
Both.

Could you live with roommates?
God, roommates. I wouldn’t want to but I guess I could. It’d be fine if we each had our own kitchen, bathroom, and TV. But I guess that would make us neighbors.

Season?
My favorite one is fall, if that’s the question.

Where were you at 6 AM today?
Cuddling Olivia and watching BBC World News.

Where were you at 9 AM?
That’s right now. I’m doing this.

Where were you at noon?
That’s in the future. I guess we’ll never know.

Are there any friendships you regret losing?
There are a few I wish I had given more time to, so we wouldn’t have to be like, “Hey! It’s been forever! We suck,” whenever we got around to talking, but you know, people are busy.

Are there any relationships you regret losing?
No. I wish I still talked to a couple, in part because I’m nosy about their lives but also because I think we could be friends, but whatever.

Are there any games you regret losing?
There is still an aching, bitter place in my heart for this one game of Uno that went horribly, horribly wrong. I was up by like 300 points and I LOST the championship hand when my friend kept slapping me with reverse, reverse, reverse, skip, skip, skip, skip, draw two, draw two, draw two, draw two, wild draw FOUR, uno!, dead. And yes, we do enjoy Uno tournaments. Shut up.

Are there any people you regret sleeping with?
No. The fact that I met Joe so young makes me glad I got in as much experience as I did. If anything, I wish I’d slept with more people.

What can you not wait to do?
Go home.

What's the last movie you saw?
Mean Girls. It was on TBS last night.

Are you a friendly person?
Yes, dammit.

OK, that was weird, well, not really weird enough to blog about, but whatever

2007-08-10T07:57:00.001-04:00

This morning I was listening to my iPod on random on my way to work. Out of my 2800+ songs, iPod picked 3 in a row that all start off with the click-click-click-click of drumsticks:

Hotel California - Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Pizza Cutter - Letters to Cleo
Sanity - Bad Religion

It was kind of awesome, in a 7:15 a.m. kind of way.

Surveylicious

2007-08-10T07:37:00.000-04:00

How do you like your grilled cheese?
I’m a grilled cheese equal opportunist. I love a gorgeous grilled challah with a four-cheese blend, but Friendly’s white bread and fake orange cheddar version is A-OK too.

Where was your last vacation?
My last real, week-long vacation was Aruba in 2005.

Who are your godparents?
Aunt Julie and Uncle Johnny

How long has it been since bought a new tooth brush?
I use an electric toothbrush. I put a new head on it maybe 3 months ago.

Where are you at noon everyday?
Monday through Friday I’m at work

How many speeding tickets have you gotten?
A few, in four different states: Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York and New Jersey. But they were all a long time ago.

Do tarot cards tell the truth?
Blah, who knows?

What was your favorite movie in Junior High?
Let’s see, I was how old in junior high? Like 12, 13… and that was New Kids mania time, so my favorite movie was probably….. Pretty Woman?

What is the last thing you said out loud?
Good morning, John.

What do you think of the iPhone?
I WANT IT

What is the weirdest thing in your bedroom?
Ahh, probably the pygmies who play Dungeons & Dragons under my bed. Those guys are weird.

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
At Macy’s. This used to be my favorite shirt; in fact, I wore it on my first day here. Don’t ask me why I remember that.

Do you use a plan book?
I’m not a teacher.

At what age do you plan on having kids?
Oh, how about 28.

When was the last time you swam?
Last Saturday

What do you order at Subway?
I hate Subway. You hearing this, Jared?

Do you keep your closets organized?
Somewhat, but they always get messed up and I keep adding more stuff.

How do you make headaches go away?
Sleep.

Have you owned a betta before?
A what? I owned a Jetta for a while.

If you moved out of state, what state would you move to?
Washington state or Oregon.

How old is your best friend?
32

Did you attend preschool?
No

What do your shower curtains look like?
The upstairs one is off-white, crinkly, and sheer, with two horizontal panels of embroidered flowers. The downstairs one is striped: aqua, green, yellow, and coral.

Did you have an imaginary friend as a child?
No

How do you make eggs?
Scrambled with cheese. I love omelets when I’m out, and of course eggs Benny.

Where do you wash your clothes?
Downstairs.

Which parent do you look most like?
Both, but I seem to have gotten more from my dad’s side.

Who are the neighbors who live to the right of you?
There’s a young married couple, I forget their names, but they are nice and the woman has red hair. There’s also the awesome guy who plows our driveway in the winter.

What are your thoughts on Tom Cruise?
He’s a freak. His teeth are off-center. I haven’t cared about anything he was in since A Few Good Men.

What is the next vehicle you wish to buy?
Maybe an SUV. Not a huge one, a normal sized one.

Do you pay bills online or by mail?
Joe’s the finance manager in our marriage. But I would pay as many as possible online.

What would be the best gift someone could get you right now?
An all-expenses paid trip to somewhere awesome.

What is something stressful you will deal with next week?
Getting a handle on my new job.

What is something in your home that you collect?
Only my random assemblage of matchbooks.

How far north have you been?
From the map, it looks like Edinburgh, Scotland is the most north I’ve ever been. The most north I’ve been in North America is Prince Edward Island.

Where did you last get gas?
At an Exxon near work, this morning. $39.90.

How do you take your coffee?
Lots of cream and one Splenda. Two Splenda in my iced coffee.

What is the oldest thing in your fridge?
Some unfortunate thing way in back, I’m sure.

On your keyboard what key is wearing out from pressing it so much?
Probably Backspace.

Where do you put your keys when you come home?
On the counter.

Where do you go for Thanksgiving?
My parents' house.

How old will you be in 2010?
I’ll be 32 for most of the year, but I’ll turn 33 on December 27.

What actor/actress would play you in a movie?
This is a tough one. Crash is right, Aida Turturro is too old. I was looking for someone loud and busty. Or I could pick someone hot and badass, like Jessica Alba. But in reality, I don't know, Sandra Bullock? She's old too. This is hard.

How much cash is in your wallet?
Like $16

Would you have a one night stand with your favorite movie star?
Of course, it’s an inalienable right. My pursuit of happiness includes a night with Christian Bale.

What color is your house?
Taupe, specifically Benjamin Moore Briarwood.

If you were starving to death would you eat a pet?
I don’t have any pets, but if I were starving to death, I’m sure I’d wish I had a pet chicken, or a pet pepperoni pizza.

Ever been to Alabama?
Nope, not yet.

What kind of accent do you have?
Not much of one… general northeastern U.S., not too Boston-y.

What kind of alcoholic drink could you come up with in your fridge right now?
There’s some white wine, a few Corona, a few Coors, one Wachusett blueberry, and some blue pineapple colada wine coolers that somebody brought to Olivia’s birthday.

200th post! And of course it's a survey

2007-08-01T11:39:00.000-04:00

1] What is your middle name?
As if I needed further proof that I do too many surveys. Anne.

[2] What color is your mailbox?
Black

[3] Last time you had sex?
That would be last night

[4] Have you ever hit a deer?
No, fortunately. I love catching a glimpse of them, but then I think, “You’re too close to the road. Run away!”

[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Nope. There is a bridge over the highway at my work exit that has been under construction for fifty million years with no progress, but I don’t cross it.

[6] Do you get the paper delivered to your house in the morning?
No. The newspaper is a dead medium.

[7] Who checks the mail in your house?
Joe does, mostly. I come home with Olivia and all her stuff, so I never think about it.

[8] Do you have a small driveway?
No, it’s pretty big. You could fit maybe 6 cars.

[9] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you?
Nope. My ringtone is an 80s sounding chime, like a cross between the one in Pat Benatar’s “We Belong” and the one in Journey’s “Separate Ways.”

[10] What do you do first in the morning?
I sneak out of the bedroom quietly, so as not to wake Olivia, but she always hears anyway and starts crying, and I have to leave her in there until I get out of the shower.

[11] What brand is your printer?
It’s an HP.

[12] Do you enjoy fighting with people?
Enjoy? Of course not. I’ve learned that it’s necessary sometimes, and that you learn in the process whether the relationship is worth preserving.

[13] Is your hair naturally straight or curly?
Straight with some wave if I let it air dry.

[14] Who was your kindergarten teacher?
Mrs. Goldberg. Then I had her husband for eighth grade homeroom. He used to tell us, “I am not a human repeating machine” pretty much every day, so he was a liar.

[16] Are you taller than your mother?
We’re the same height, but I usually appear taller because of my shoes.

[17] Do you have a favorite word?
I like a lot of words. Fledgling, copasetic, brioche, solipsistic, cordial, algorithm, cardamom.

[19] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
Talk, talk, talk, drink, drink, drink, cry, cry, cry, write a you-suck poem.

[20] Do you have a deep dark secret?
No. My biggest secret used to be lying about how I lost my virginity, which was lame.

[22] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
Yes, but I mostly use black ink… I like a particular type of rollerball pen that my old old boss turned me on to.

[23] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My pinky finger, where I bit it too much.

[24] Do you often cry during movies?
Not often.

[25] Do you hate your life?
No, I love my life.

[26] Do you get mad easily?
Stupid little things tend to make me mad faster than big issues. Joe can tell you what happens when I’m driving and he starts dozing in the car.

[27] Do you drink to get drunk?
Yes, a buzz is my objective when I drink. It isn’t for the taste… lots of stuff tastes good.

[28] What is your biggest pet peeve?
Listening to other people cough. I don’t know why, but it kills me.

[29] What is your away message?
It’s whatever is standard: “I am away from my computer now.”

[30] Do any of your friends have kids?
Yes. I can think of three little girls in our extended circle.

[32] Who should pay on the first date?
Whomever asked for the date.

[33] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
I’d probably go 5-7 years older.

[34] Do you have any friends?
Ouch, survey, that hurt.

[35] Do you have any mean friends?
No – I don’t have the time or energy to waste on mean people.

[36] What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
Mustard yellow. Especially on a T shirt.

[37] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
I don’t think so. There was once a guy in my life that my friends didn’t like, but hey, neither did I.

[38] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
Ha, no. I was telling my friend the other day, when I was a teenager and wrote a check out of my parents’ account to cover a huge phone bill and the phone got shut off and they busted me, I remember wondering whether it would be easier to kill myself versus take the heat, but of course I was never serious, and anyway, I never considered driving off a cliff.

[39] Have you ever been fired from a job?
Yes – my very first job at Walgreen’s. I got fired for my drawer being off by $2.14. Everyone else I knew got fired for stealing.

[40] What year was your house built?
1991.

[41] When was the last time you slept in someone else’s bed?
Hmm. If hotels/B&Bs don’t count, and we’re talking about a bed in someone’s house, it might have been when Joe and I visited Red’s parents’ Cape house. It wasn’t recent.

[42] What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing right now?
INC, from Macy’s.

[43] How tall are you?
I’m 5’6”

[44] What is the closest green object?
A green post-it displaying a phone number.

[45] What is on your feet?
Trouser socks and brown pointy boots.

[46] Do you always wear underwear?
Yes – I prefer it.

[48] Do you want to have kids?
Well, I sure as shit hope so.

[49] What is the brightest color you're wearing?
I guess my underwear, which is pink. The rest of my outfit is shades of brown.

[50] Who is the last friend you have, that you would never expect to be gay?
What? This is phrased strangely, kind of a double negative. I know my friends’ leanings, so I don’t expect any of them to be gay, unless they are/were. I don’t expect Joe to be gay!

[52] What's your mother's middle name?
Claire, which I’d like to use as my daughter’s middle name if we have another girl someday.

[53] Stupidest movie you ever saw?
The Matrix. And that futuristic one with Gwyneth… Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. LAME.

[54] Do you collect comic books?
God, no. And if you have such a collection, sell it now. Start a stereo store and marry your hot grandma.

[55] Do you look like your dad?
Yes, somewhat. I have his facial structure, his chin and his coloring.

[56] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
We have 24, Family Guy and the Clerks cartoon series. If it were up to me, we wouldn’t have any DVDs.

[57] Are you wearing makeup?
Yes: eyeliner, mascara and strawberry Softlips lip balm. Usually I also wear Bare Escentuals mineral veil.

[58] Do you have a tattoo?
Nope. In college I got as close as going to the place and picking out a pattern (a tribal sun kind of like the one on the Alice in Chains Dirt album) but then I didn’t do it. I’m glad now.

[59] Are you happily in love?
Yup.

[60] If you won the lottery you would:
Sock most of it away for college and retirement. Buy a bigger house with a pool and home gym. Hire a housekeeper and a lawn service. Give a chunk to my sister.

[61] Is there something you want to tell someone, but you haven't?
No – I’ve said everything that I’ve needed to say, and now I’d like to not say anything for a while.

[62] Do you know how to draw?
Yes. I haven’t sat down to draw something in a long time, but that isn’t the kind of thing that goes away.

[63] Who is your hero?
I don’t know, but it isn’t anyone rich or famous. There is plenty of inspiration to be found in the people you know personally.

[64] Who'd you last IM?
Red.

[65] Do you work a lot of hours?
40, give or take. For a while there it was between 50-60.

[66] What do you do when you are stressed out?
I withdraw and stew about it, then I talk about it, then I do what I need to do and the stress usually goes away.

[67] Who was the last person that called you?
A work person.

[68] Is there anything you regret?
Not really, no. I regret not keeping it up when I had a good diet/exercise/weight loss thing happening, but what are you gonna do?

[69] Do you know where your family name originated from?
It’s Italian. I think the translation is Cut Mountain, so maybe my people were miners or jewelers or something.

[70] Are there any animals that creep you out?
I hate snakes. HATE!

Survey says!

2007-07-31T10:06:00.000-04:00

1. What is your best friend's mom's name?
Mom McMommington

2. What body part do you hate the most?
It’s a tie between my upper arms and my stomach, a.k.a. “where the cheese sits” as one witty What Not to Wear contestant once put it.

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?
I never had a hot teacher. There was a hot English/poetry teacher at my high school, but I was never his student.

4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater?
No, never anything more than hand holding or leg rubbing. It has never occurred to me to go to a crappy movie and sit in the last row with the intention of making out. I’m one of those people who likes to get there early, get the best seats, and not get up or talk.

5. What body part do you wash first?
I paid attention to this today. First, I shampoo my hair. Then I wash my face. Then I put conditioner in my hair and leave it while I take care of the rest.

6. Do you have any piercings?
Three holes in my left ear, two in my right. I haven’t put anything in the extra holes in years.

7. Is your driveway steep?
No, it’s flat.

8. What's your favorite flavored Pringles?
I like the ranch ones even though they give you horrible breath for about 8 days. Are they still out there?

9. Have you ever been tied up?
Yes! And handcuffed.

13. Have you ever had two dates in one night?
No, unfortunately. That sounds fun.

14. How many times have you been cursed at?
Plenty. On the road, hundreds of times, if not thousands. It makes me smile.

15. Which shoe do you put on first?
Right.

16. How old are you?
29 years, 7 months, 4 days.

17. Have you ever been to a gay bar?
Yes, the best gay bar ever. It was in New Hampshire, on the rotary where Route 1 and I-95 meet, almost in Maine. Amanda and I went with this kid from my apartment building. He was a member and had to write our names in a book. There was a lot of paneling and flannel and a guy who looked like Mr. Slave dancing in a cage. People thought Amanda and I made a cute couple. The kid we were with saw his ex and got all dramatic. When a guy tried to give him his number, he took it, then ripped it up as soon as the guy walked away and said, “Whatever, you’re old.”

18. Have you ever had any friends with benefits?
I’m starting to overanalyze this question. Is a friend with benefits anybody you’re casually sleeping with but aren’t dating, or do you have to have an established platonic friendship with them before you start sleeping together? I can’t say I’ve really done the latter. I was asked to once, all proper like, but I turned him down.

19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common?
They were all guys. I believe they’ve all had brown hair.

20. Did you French kiss before you were 16?
I think I was 16. So, technically, no.

21. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting?
No. What is snipe hunting?

22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?
Lately it’s been Harry Potter—I just finished the new book.

3. Have you ever had a song written about you?
Since I don’t know the Allman Brothers personally, probably not.

25. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable?
No. But I’ve found lots of stuff in other people’s bedrooms around town.

26. What was your childhood nickname?
Missy.

27. When is the last time you played the air guitar?
Probably the last time I did a Bill and Ted “Wyld Stallions” impression, so like 1989?

28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sex's locker room?
No. I would, though. Why not?

29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving?
I gave somebody something. Oh, well, I guess I wasn’t driving, but the car was moving.

30. Have you ever bitten your toenails?
Ahhhh – no.

31. How do you normally eat your Oreo cookies?
I don’t take them apart. I dunk them in milk until they collapse.

33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others?
I feel like I’m on Family Feud. Masturbation is the number one answer!

36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?
Around 4-5, usually, mixed drinks or pints. I don’t like getting drunk on wine – gives me massive headaches.

37. Why are you doing this survey?
Because I love being solicited for my opinion. I like filling stuff out… hotel comment cards, the census, personality quizzes, even those demographic surveys that come in the box when you buy electronics. And I love reading others’ answers.

41. Do you have any strange phobias?
There’s the no-looking-in-mirrors-at-night thing, which is part of a general phobia that something supernatural will reveal itself to me in the dark.

42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
A button, when I was little.

46. Have you ever gotten caught sleeping while on a date?
No. Does this happen? It seems like there are some words missing, like “gotten caught [by the cops] sleeping [with someone in a public place] while on a date?” In which case, no again, but close.

47. Have you ever played naked twister?
Jesus, no.

48. Have you ever been drunk at school or work?
No, but I’ve been hung over in class plenty of times.

49. Have you ever found your date's brother or sister to be hotter then your date?
Nope.

50. How many Bryces do you know?
One.

A question about cheese is just a delectable bonus

2007-07-27T22:47:00.000-04:00

1. Do you like cheese?
Yes. Cheese is awesome: cheddar, provolone, gorgonzola, jack, mozzarella, fontina, asiago, ricotta, cream, string, extra… it’s all delicious.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
No. Even if I wanted to, it seems like a pain in the ass drug. Cooking it up in a nasty spoon, finding a vein to stick, smoking it off a sheet of aluminum foil in your parents’ garage… no thanks.

3. Do you own a gun?
No. I shot a BB gun once.

4. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
I used to, but I was at the doctor so often during pregnancy that it became no big deal.

5. What do you think of hot dogs?
Ehh, I like them but I don’t love them. I never think about making or buying them for myself. I enjoy them at Fenway. Part of the fun is tracking the guy, waiting for him to come around to your aisle, and getting indignant when he turns and goes another way, or runs out of stock right before your row.

6. What's your favorite Christmas song?
I like O Holy Night. And the entire Kenny Rogers/Dolly Parton Christmas CD.

7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee. I love orange juice but I never drink it. I also try to limit my coffee consumption because it makes me drink less water.

8. Can you do push ups?
Ha! I can do the cheating kind, on your knees.

9. Is your bathroom clean?
It’s okay. We cleaned it for the party last weekend, but we didn’t get down and scrub. I love when the bathroom is totally clean and fresh.

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My engagement ring… and the ruby and diamond ring my parents bought me when I graduated from college, which is now a half size too small.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
The line, “Hey baby, you ever seen an episiotomy scar?” Haha, fuck, did I just write that? It’s staying.

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
Nope.

16. Middle Name?
Anne.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
The songs in Toyota commercials are always so lame. Is it going to rain tomorrow? What shirts do I have to go with my new gray Bermuda shorts?

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought?
Gray Bermuda shorts, black dress trousers, Osh Kosh B’gosh overalls.

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
Water. Caffeine-free Diet Pepsi. Coconut iced coffee with cream and two Splenda.

20. Current worry?
Seriously, do I have anything that will go with those gray shorts? Because they are kickass. I thought I’d hate them, so I didn’t really think it through, but they were cute on. But then it was getting close to Olivia’s dinnertime, so I had to rush out of the mall.

21. Current hate?
Paris Hilton. Lindsay Lohan. Kimberly Stewart.

22. Favorite place to be?
In my car, exploring... loud music, sun shining, iced coffee beside me.

23. How did you bring in the New Year?
I was at Red’s party. Quite drunk. Got denied at the naked hippie party.

24. Where would you like to go?
Anywhere. I really want to go up to a lake.

27. Do you own slippers?
Yes. I bought them for my hospital bag last year. I’m ready for some new ones.

28. What are you wearing?
Pink pajama bottoms, a black tank top and glasses.

29. Do you burn or tan?
I used to get amazing tans… these days I seem to burn though.

30. Favorite color?
I’m way too indecisive to have one favorite. Green is nice.

31. Would you be a pirate?
No. When it comes to livelihood, I’d be way too strait-laced for that crazy lifestyle. I’d probably be a weaver or a blacksmith or something.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Eh. In the shower I make shit up.

35. What's in your pocket right now?
No pockets.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Olivia wobbling around the living room like a drunk.

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
Word - Strawberry Shortcake.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
The tennis heel injury.

41. Who is your loudest friend?
We’re all loud, which I love.

42. Who is your most silent friend?
Kevin.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Sometimes I notice George Clooney parked outside my house. When I open my door to get the mail, he takes off.

45. What is your favorite book?
This one I am decisive about: She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb.

46. What is your favorite candy?
Peanut butter M&Ms. Or a bag of mixed Jelly Belly jelly beans, selected by me so I don’t have to worry that the orange one is cantaloupe (eww) instead of tangerine (yum).

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
"The Luckiest" by Ben Folds. "I Was Made for Dancing" by Leif Garrett.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Rilo Kiley’s "Hail to Whatever You Found in the Sunlight that Surrounds You."

49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
Sleeping.

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Uh. She’s crying. It’s early.

Thank you, survey gods

2007-07-19T11:57:00.000-04:00

100. WHAT'S YOUR MYSPACE SONG & WHY?
Right now it’s “Makes Me Wonder” by Maroon 5. Because it really makes me wonder if I ever gave a fuck about you. I mean, you’re awesome.

99. DO YOU HAVE A JOB? IF SO, WHAT IS IT?
I do. I work in human resources, specifically, executive talent management and development. Within a couple of weeks, however, I will have a new and better job.

98. MIDDLE NAME?
Anne, which practically every Melissa has as her middle name. Anne is my godmother’s middle name. My sister’s middle name, Marie, comes from her godmother as well.

97. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE?
I wish I did! Instead I just have plain old aesthetic appreciation, which is boring.

96. LIED IN THE LAST 24 HOURS?
No.

95. BEST BREAK UP SONG?
Hey, “Makes Me Wonder” is a pretty good one. “It really makes me wonder if I ever gave a fuck about you” is some cold shit to say to someone you supposedly loved.

LAST PLACE YOU TOOK A PLANE TO?
Dallas, for work.

93. WHAT IS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
The Devil Wears Prada. I liked it!

92. WHAT MAKES YOU MAD?
Fucknuts on the road make my blood boil.

91. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
I’d like to be awesome, please. Oh, and a good parent and spouse.

90. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
Well, you’ve got my first and middle, so I’d say that’s enough.

89.WHAT DID YOU WHAT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?
A famous writer.

88. DO YOU HAVE A FRIEND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX YOU CAN TALK TO?
Yes. Was this made for middle schoolers, when boys were still novelties?

87. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS?
Yes, my aforementioned sister.

86. WHERE ARE YOU NOW?
Not at work, no sirree. Huh, guess I’ll need to change my answer on 96 now.

85. FAVE COLOR?
I enjoy green quite a lot.

84. WHAT DOES THE 7TH MESSAGE IN YOUR INBOX SAY ON YOUR PHONE?
I’m sure there aren’t 7 in there.

83.WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE AT A PARTY?
The 4th of July. We toddler-wrangled and sang the quietest “Happy Birthday” ever sung, because it was my aunt’s birthday and Olivia was reclined in her high chair, fast asleep.

82. WHAT IS SITTING TO THE LEFT OF YOU?
Files, tape dispenser, stapler, post-its, banana, pens, water, coffee, postcard from Paris, photos, pen, ID lanyard. What? So I have workplace-y taste in home furnishings.

80. DO YOU HAVE ANY KIDS?
Why, yes. Perhaps you’ve heard her mentioned here once or 54968982 times.

79. WHO IS THE 5TH PERSON YOU GOT A MISSED CALL FROM?
I don’t know, someone.

78. CLOSEST BLACK OBJECT?
My keyboard. My shirt, too.

77. CLOSEST SILVER OBJECT?
My earrings.

76. CLOSEST ELECTRONIC DEVICE?
My computer/docking station/monitor apparatus.

75. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
Occasionally, but far more often in the car.

74. DO YOU OWN ANY PETS?
No.

73. WHAT ARE YOUR PETS' NAMES IF YOU HAVE ANY?
Do you listen?

72. LAST TIME YOU LISTENED TO COUNTRY MUSIC?
Last time Doug Mirabelli came up to bat. Skyyyyyydivin! Although there is this song I’ve heard on Mike 93.7 more than once about a girl who busts up her cheating boyfriend’s truck with a Louisville Slugger, so that also counts.

71. HOW MANY SONGS ARE ON YOUR IPOD/MP3 PLAYER?
2,723. Recent plays include the new Smashing Pumpkins, some Morrissey, my 80s mix, and “Ride Like the Wind” by Christopher Cross (feat. Michael McDonald).

70. INDOORS OR OUT?
Right now, indoors. Later, maybe out.

69. WHAT ARE YOUR FEARS?
Bad things happening to people I love.

68. WHAT CAN YOU HEAR NOW?
People talking. The ones in my house, yes.

67. HOW MANY DRUGS ARE IN YOUR SYSTEM NOW?
Caffeine. Sucralose.

66. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF STATE?
Many. Massachusetts is a small state.

65. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
Gray dress pants and a black top.

64. LAST PERSON TO COMMENT YOU?
HA – myself.

63. DO YOU SING?
I think I’ve already confirmed that.

62. SCREAMO OR COUNTRY?
This is like the bluegrass or rap question. I like German speed metal only, okay?

61. ROCK OR RAP?
German speed metal!

60. POP OR PUNK?
GERMAN SPEED METAL!

59. WHO DID YOU LAST CALL?
Someone from work.

58. WHO LAST CALLED YOU?
Someone from work.

57. WHAT JEWELRY DO YOU WEAR DAILY?
Earrings, a necklace, and my wedding rings.

56. WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
Just hanging out not at work, listening to some German speed-metal.

55. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HUGGED?
Olivia. She woke up at 4:55 a.m. (god knows why) and Joe brought her into bed with us. She fell back to sleep on her side like a tiny little person! It was so cute.

54. WOULD YOU DIE FOR SOMEONE?
Olivia.

53. LATEST THING YOU'VE RECENTLY LEARNED?
The titles of 20 Bond films that I don’t care about and will never see. Learning that may have pushed something important out of my brain, like how to calculate a percentage. Thanks, World Series of Pop Culture.

52. ARE YOU COLD NOW?
It’s a little chilly in here, yeah.

51. WHAT DO YOU SMELL?
Nothing.

50. IS ANYTHING BOTHERING YOU RIGHT NOW?
How we’re going to get everything done for Olivia’s party. And it had better not rain!

49. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PIGGED OUT ON ICE CREAM?
Last week. It is impossible to resist Richardson’s coffee Oreo.

48. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW?
I’m taking the day off to do party prep.

47. IF YOUR EX WANTED YOU BACK, WOULD YOU TAKE THEM BACK?
No, unless he wanted to become our live-in man-wife.

46. IF YOU WANTED YOUR EX BACK, WOULD SHE/HE WANT YOU BACK?
Surely not.

45. HOW MANY EXES DO YOU HAVE?
Well, not as many as are on my List, so yay for promiscuity!

44. BED SHEET COLOR?
Off-white.

43. DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE NOW?
Yes indeedy.

42. CAN YOU SWIM?
Yup. Not butterfly, which is a freaky stroke anyway.

41. CAN YOU DANCE?
Not a bit.

40. DO YOU LIKE TO TALK?
I do… and sometimes I don’t.

39. FAVORITE HAIR COLOR?
Shiny honey caramel-y blondey-brown. Like my good friend Jennifer Aniston’s.

38. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BROKEN A BONE?
None.

37. FAVORITE SMELL?
Fresh-cut grass and coconut.

36. EVER GONE A WHOLE DAY WITHOUT EATING?
I’ve gone most of a day lots of times, but I don’t think ever a whole day.

35. UNITED STATES OR CANADA?
Both.

34. SOUTH STATES OR NORTH STATES?
North, obviously.

33. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU FOUND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
I’d be delighted. And warily considering what life would be like behind the wheel of a double stroller.

32. JEANS OR SWEATPANTS?
Jeans, but I love my Old Navy sweats for hanging around the house.

31. PJ'S OR COMMANDO?
PJ’s.

30. DO YOU OWN ANY BRITTANY SPEARS ALBUMS?
Nope.

29. DO YOU HAVE SOCKS ON?
Dammit, no! What is this obsession with the wearing of the socks?

27. HAVE YOU CRIED SO HARD YOU MADE YOURSELF SICK?
Ick. No.

26. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED IN PUBLIC?
Yes, god, I remember once in New York, we were going to see Rent and I must have been overly emotional but there was this frail-looking older man on the train drinking a bottle of orange juice and he seemed so lonely and sweet that it set me off and I cried silently all night. There was also the day I was exhausted and heavily pregnant and cried at Cracker Barrel, causing the other diners to look up from their troughs of chicken-fried steak and dumplins’ and think, “What’s with that chick? Oh, well. Pass the biscuits.”

25. HAVE YOU EVER MADE SOMEONE LAUGH SO HARD IT HURT?
I’m gonna go ahead and say yes. I’ve shared some good laughs with people.

24. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU GAVE YOUR MOTHER A COMPLIMENT?
Last week I told her she was great at party planning.

23. HAVE YOU RECENTLY TALKED TO YOUR EX?
I talk to one of them often, on IM anyway.

22. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED SO PASSIONATELY THAT IT LEFT YOU SPEECHLESS
Yeah! Good stuff.

21. IF YES TO Q NO. 22 THEN WHO?
Well, Joe of course. No others, honey! Hehe.

20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO EUROPE?
Yes, a few times. Love it, need to go back soon.

19. FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Right now I’m liking both Top Chef and the Next Food Network Star, but I get the contestants confused.

18. DO YOU LIKE 80'S MOVIES?
Fo shizzle.

17. DO YOU LIKE JOHN WAYNE MOVIES?
Old. Western. No.

16. DO YOU LIKE BLACK AND WHITE MOVIES?
I was going to say probably not, but then I remembered about Clerks.

15. WHAT KINDA MUSIC DO YOU LIKE?
Ahem. GERMAN SPEED METAL!

14. WORST CITY YOU'VE VISITED?
Newark is nasty. Baltimore is pretty much a hole. St. John in New Brunswick was crappy, by Canadian standards.

13. BEST CITY YOU'VE VISITED?
Too many… Barcelona, Rome, Edinburgh.

12. BEEN TO LONDON?
Yes – did my study abroad there.

11. HOW LONG WAS YOUR LONGEST CAR RIDE?
Eighteen hours… from Somerville, MA to Summerville, SC.

10. FAVORITE SUBJECT AT SCHOOL?
English. Creative Writing. Art. Journalism.

9. BEEN TO COLLEGE?
Yes.

8. FAVORITE CAR COLOR?
Black or silver.

7. FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?
The older I get, the more I love early morning. I experience fleeting disappointment when it gets to about 11:00 a.m. on weekends.

6. EVER LICKED SOMEONES CHEEK?
Hmm, perhaps.

5. SEEN ALL THE SPIDERMAN MOVIES?
No, god, no no no and I never will.

4. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO?
Liv’s party! And taking some vacation.

3. EVER GOTTEN LOST IN THE DARK?
Not that I know of.

2. DO YOU SNORE/TALK/WALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
I’ve been known to talk. Joe says I sometimes snore oh so softly. And when I was a kid once, I sleepwalked down to where my parents were sitting and started screaming, “THEY’RE ALL OVER YOU! THEY’RE ALL OVER YOU!”

1. ARE YOU AFRAID WHEN YOU'RE HOME ALONE?
No. But I do have a weird thing about looking out the windows or in mirrors when it’s dark. Not like a THING, just a little thing.

GOD I LOVE SURVEYS! (keep em coming)

2007-07-18T14:27:00.000-04:00

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Not me personally, but I’ve had two close calls related to cars I was riding in. In college some friends and I were driving around in New Hampshire and we were stopped for having a broken headlight. The kid driving was high as a kite and the rest of us were drunk and underage. We had open containers in the car as well. The cop took a good long look-see with his flashlight, but ultimately didn’t push the issue and let us go. Another time, Amanda and I were driving up to Montreal the day after hosting a party at my parents’ house. We cleaned up after the party, threw a garbage bag full of empties into Amanda’s trunk, and took off. Then we were stopped by the border patrol. They asked us to pull over, show our passports, answer a bunch of ridiculous questions, and step out of the car for search. The border officer opened the trunk and rattled the garbage bag. Fortunately for us, it was a Canadian border officer and the legal drinking age in Canada is 18.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
No – I love roller coasters, except for the excruciatingly slow, click-click-click-click climb to the first summit.

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
Forever ago. My neighbors up the street had a huge hill in the woods behind their house. You could pick up great speed and we would build jumps to catch air. Sometimes we crashed into trees. It was awesome.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
With someone. I’m a pretty good sleeper, and I sleep on the edge of the mattress no matter the size of the bed, so I never feel encroached on.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Mostly yes. I’m definitely fascinated by them. Never had a paranormal experience, though.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Yes, but it’s not like I go home after work and build furniture and paint it wild colors or make crazy collages or sew my kid’s clothes or anything.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Sure. And even if he didn’t, he’s still a jackass.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
I don’t know. They both seem okay. Maybe I’d rather hang out with Jennifer Aniston, because she’s good friends with Catherine Keener, and the three of us could make a nice little trio, hanging out at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and writing on our Macs side-by-side by Jen’s pool.

9. Do you stay friends with your ex's?
One in particular, yes. The others I mostly don’t care about.

9. Do you know how to play poker?
Nope. I kind of hate card games that involve a regular deck. I like Uno, Skip-Bo, Quiddler and Five Crowns, though.

10. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
No. Maybe 36 hours, barely.

11. What's your favorite commercial?
The Aflac one with the goat that goes, “Nah! Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.”

12. What are you allergic to?
Nothing, really.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?
Eh, sometimes. If the light is taking forever. And there’s truly nobody around.

15. Have you ever had a Choco Taco?
No… I’ve had a Cool Dog though, which is the ice cream hot dog they serve at Fenway.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
Sox, baby. Sorry, Joe and Kate, but the Jankees can suck it.

17. Have you ever been ice skating?
Only once, and I sucked very badly. I suck at rollerblading too, so maybe it’s a balance thing. I used to kick ass at roller skating. Give me four huge wheels and a rubber stopper and I’ll make “Everything She Wants” by Wham! come to life.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Almost never. I do remember a dream from last night. I had two phones on my desk, and one of them was a direct line to my father’s office, and I kept picking up that one by mistake, and he was getting annoyed.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
It might have been this week. Joe and I have been watching the World Series of Pop Culture on Vh1 and hearing straight-man Pat Kiernan (my favorite NY1 anchor) say “ass” and “skank” and “self-dalliance” is funny as hell.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
Yes… way more than 5.

21. What's the one thing on your mind now?
Pat Kiernan saying, “Tanya got a big ol' butt / Theresa got a big ol' butt / Irene got a big ol' butt / Shirley got a big ol' butt.”

22. Do you believe in love at first sight?
If it does happen, I think it’s a happy coincidence.

23. Do you put salt on a turkey dinner?
No.

24. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yes, partly because my car trills angrily at me when I don’t. Point for you, Ford Motor Company.

25. What cell service do you use?
T-Mobile.

26. Do you like sushi?
I do! I’m not too adventurous in my selections, but I tried eel and didn’t die, so yeah.

27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
No, I don’t think so. I have narrowly avoided, “Crap, that would have been an insurance nightmare” accidents.

28. What do you wear to bed?
A tank top and pj bottoms.

29. Been caught stealing?
Yes!

30. Do you pee in the pool?
No. It turns green, you know. Or purple if you buy that stuff.

31. Do you truly hate anyone?
No, what’s the point?

32. Bluegrass or Rap?
Hmm. Well, definitely not bluegrass, so I guess rap.

33. Is there anything you're interested in that other people would find weird?
Abandoned mental institutions, anyone?

34. Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole?
1%. Skim is like blue water, and 2%+ might as well be cream.

35. What food do you find disgusting?
Green peppers, particularly in air form!

36. Windows or Macintosh?
Mac.

37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"?
Sure! Just yester… I mean, way back in the day.

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
Back in school, yes (sorry, friend from high school who shaved her forearms). I agree that poking fun to someone’s face is far more enjoyable. It’s all out of love!

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Have I? I don’t know if that situation has ever presented itself. I’m sure I would, though, if I agreed strongly with that person’s side of a situation.

40. Have you ever sung in front of the mirror?
Sure. I used to dress up in my 80’s best and pretend to be on tour with Debbie Gibson.

A Plethora of Perlustration Propagated by a Paucity of Posts

2007-07-12T09:08:00.000-04:00

1. Are any of your toes on your foot connected?
No. I am not an amphibian.

2. Which do you use more a pen or pencil?
Pen… I don’t think I’ve picked up a pencil in 5 years. I wonder if there’s like one No. 2 factory still chugging along, having lots of strategy meetings leading up to the seasonal SAT rush, before slumping back into redundancy mode.

3. Look at your planner for June 30th. What, if anything, do you have planned?
My planner is my work calendar, so it doesn’t say anything for that date, but I went to Lola’s boyfriend’s house and we took Olivia swimming in his pool with the scary ladder.

3. Do you use toothpaste?
Yes, Crest. After the dollar-store-Colgate-made-in-China scare, I casually checked to see where mine was made. Mexico, if you’re interested.

4. What was the last thing you dreamed about?
I don’t seem to dream much anymore. Nothing I can remember, anyway. My pseudo-dreams are always some slightly altered version of something that did or could have happened, and then I forget about it two seconds later.

6. What color is your bedroom carpet?
My bedroom has hardwood floors. Why do we always say “hardwood” instead of just “wood” when it comes to flooring? You wouldn’t say, “Throw some more hardwood in the fire.”

7. How many passengers does your car hold?
Three adults and one child. Olivia’s in a new car seat now, and it’s not in the middle anymore, but maybe you could get 2 adults back there if you squished.

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
Yes! For about two days.

9. What is your favorite canned soup?
Tomato… made with milk and served with a grilled cheese sandwich. YUM.

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Russia?
Not really. My aunt had Russian exchange students whom I met, and they probably went back there afterwards, but whatever. They were always pale and quiet, with blue eyes and a voracious desire for Levi’s 501 jeans.

11. Did you ever go into a room and forget what you went in there for?
Of course

12. Who is the last baby that you held?
That would be Miss Livvy.

13. Do you know all the words to The Star Spangled Banner?
Indeed.

15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
A gray Honda Accord.

16. Pick one, having an STD or sharing a bed with Michael Jackson?
Is it a curable STD? I mean, I wouldn’t pick herpes over MJ, but if it was like… uh, something short-lived that presented few or no symptoms, then bring it on!

17. Last time you went to the zoo?
A long time ago… I think the last zoo I went to was in Chicago back in 1996.

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
Augh, don’t get me started. There are wallpaper borders lurking throughout my house. We have stripped two of the biggest offenders, but there are still borders in the kitchen, office, and downstairs bath.

19. Closest thing to you that is plaid?
Hm. Really not seeing any. Plaid would take away from my office’s theme of beige, lighter beige and darker beige.

20. I'm Ron Burgundy?
Are you? Stay classy, Ron.

21. Who is the last person who wrote you a check?
My grandparents, probably, for my birthday.

22. How many unframed pictures do you have in your house?
Tons. They’re in photo boxes, and most of our Olivia ones are still in the envelopes.

23. Last time you had a date that began with dinner and ended with lunch?
Well, it had to be Joe, so I’d say September 1998.

24. Have you ever applied for a job where the waitresses wear shorty shorts and halters?
No, not have I ever been a patron of such an establishment. I don’t care how good the wings are.

25. How many pairs of underwear do you have?
A bunch, but a lot of them I don’t wear. I have about 12 in regular rotation. I love buying new underwear.

26. Last time you received flowers?
Joe got me some in the past year… I forget the occasion now. When I went back to work?

27. Do you play with your hair?
I guess, when my bangs fall into my left eye, but it’s not a habit or a tic. I just enjoy having the sense of sight.

28. Do you take anything in your coffee?
Cream, one Splenda.

29. Do you have any marshmallows?
No. I’m ambivalent about marshmallows. I don’t really enjoy them on their own, but in Fluff form with peanut butter or burnty form in a s’more or melty form in hot chocolate… that’s good stuff.

30. Who was your high school's most popular female?
This girl Jamie. She was nice, smart and reasonably athletic. Everybody liked her.

31. Last person you told to f-off?
I’ve never said that to anyone in a serious way.

33. Would you like to learn to play the harp?
Can I learn during work hours? Then OK.

34. How many entryways are there into your living room?
Ah, I guess four: the slider to the deck, the stairs down to the front door, the kitchen doorway, and the hallway.

35. Last thing you read?
Nothing new in a long time… I’ve been re-reading a bunch of crap. The last new thing I read, god help me, was this. My boss gave it to all of us at our team offsite back in May.

36. What was the last pageant you attended?
Life’s rich one.

37. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Papa Ginos. There’s no good pizza in my town anymore.

38. Ever ride in a limo?
Sure, for my proms, Joe’s grandpa’s funeral, and our wedding.

39. What is the last thing you stapled?
Papers for a file.

40. Did you ever drink milk & Pepsi?
Never together, if that’s what you’re suggesting. I’m still struggling to get comfortable with the concept of an egg cream.

41. Are your feet ticklish?
Yes. Do not try it.

42. Last time you saw fireworks?
I didn’t see any this year! Last year marked our third time seeing Chris’ highly illegal street display, complete with requisite police appearance. I was about ready to pop, and I kept wondering if the noise would bother the baby’s ears. Never mind she was in water. And well insulated.

43. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
In New York a few years ago… it was the day the front driver’s side window broke and fell down into the door, and we had a 4-hour drive in the cold and rain to look forward to. We had the guys at the hotel parking garage cover up the window with some plastic and duct tape, then went to an uptown Krispy Kreme to drown our sorrows in sugar.

44. Who is the last person that drove you somewhere?
Maybe my sister?

45. Last time you parked under a carport?
Never.

46. Do you have a black dog?
No. I did visit The Black Dog in Chatham last month.

47. Do you have any A1 in your fridge?
Yes – god, what fridge is complete without it?

48. Are you a dominating person?
I have a lot of opinions and confidence, so sometimes, yeah.

49. Who has the prettiest toes that you know of?
Olivia. I don’t really inspect people’s feet.

50. When is the last time you saw a transvestite?
That would be 1994. I was in Paris, on the Metro, and there was a vagrant transvestite curled up on the seat trying to sleep. She was skinny in an obviously male way, and she had on a fake-looking wig, too-bright lipstick, torn stockings, pointy high heels, a black miniskirt, and a green barn jacket. She was eating a crusty baguette from her jacket pocket and getting crumbs all over. She was also mumbling and seemed pissed about all the people on the train.

2007-07-09T09:59:00.000-04:00

This list of 50 random questions is pilfered.

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
At home, getting ready for work.

2. Who are you in love with?
Joe and Olivia.

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
No, not recently… hopefully not ever.

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Yes: my New Balance water bottle, some post-it notes, and a picture frame.

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
Joe and I went to the Burlington mall a couple of weeks ago to buy a new mattress.

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
No.

7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?
Yes

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
I drove literally out of town today, to come to work. Before that, it was our weekend down the Cape in June.

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
No. It’s not possible with a one year old.

10. Are you hot?
Hell yeah.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water.

12. What are you wearing right now?
A short-sleeve polka-dot blouse. Cropped dress pants. Cute sandals.

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
Car wash, baby.

14. Last food that you ate?
Blueberries.

15. Where were you last week at this time?
At work, with a looming sense of dread. Much better this week.

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Why, yes. I placed an order with oldnavy.com just yesterday.

17. When is the last time you ran?
Probably 18 months ago, at the gym. At the peak of my working outness, I would try to throw in little jags of running into my treadmill routine.

18. What's the last sporting event you watched?
Sox game… they lost in extra innings.

19. What is your favorite animal?
Dogs.

20. Your dream vacation?
Roadtrip… cars, trains, foreign countries, busy time and relaxing time.

21. Last person's house you were in?
My parents’ when I went to pick up Olivia on Thursday.

22. Worst injury you've ever had?
I sprained my wrist when I was a kid, riding one-handed down a hill. As an adult, I injured my heel playing tennis. That was probably worse because it was more debilitating. I missed a couple days of work and crawled around my house before I went to the doctor.

23. Have you been in love?
Yes.

24. Do you miss anyone right now?
I miss Amanda… it was so great to see her last week and I hate that she lives so far away.

25. Last play you saw?
Good question… I haven’t seen a play in years. The last proper play I went to was in like 1998.

26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
My joie de vivre. I mean, boobs?

27. What are your plans for tonight?
Go home, chillax. It’s Monday.

28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?
I think my friend Amy from St. Louis.

29. Next trip you are going to take?
Maybe Montreal this fall.

30. Ever go to camp?
Not summer camp, no. But we called our cottage “camp” and so, by my definition, yes.

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?
Yes. Even in junior/senior year of high school when I stopped putting effort into anything but my electives.

32. What do you want to know about the future?
Are my children going to ack rite?

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
No.

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?
Yeah… I got a reminder card from my GYN. I also have a dentist appt sometime this summer. I could probably use a physical, but I was all doctored out for a while there.

35. Where is your best friend?
At work, I assume.

36. How is your best friend?
She’s awesome.

37. Do you have a tan?
Not much of one… whatever color I did have is fading fast.

38. What are you listening to right now?
Office noises… papers rustling, myself typing, file drawer closing, phone dialing, neighbor talking to herself.

39. Do you collect anything?
I have a half-ass collection of matchbooks, which I keep in a little box in the kitchen. A lot of places don’t have matchbooks anymore.

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
Everyone… it’s the human condition.

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
I ran a red light in Waltham a couple years ago. I got a ticket and paid it bitterly.

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
Sure, fool.

43. What does your last text message say?
“Does Olivia have Make Way for Ducklings?”

44. Do you like hot sauce?
Definitely.

45. Last time you took a shower?
5:30 this morning.

46. Do you need to do laundry?
Nope, we did it over the weekend.

47. What is your heritage?
Italian, French, English and Polish.

48. Are you someone's best friend?
Yup.

49. Are you rich?
Rich and creamy.

50. What were you doing at 12AM last night?
Sleeping like a log.

I need a vacation

2007-05-24T11:03:00.000-04:00

Wow, when I finally have the time to update I can’t think of a damn thing to say. My life is not anecdotal, which makes me truly terrible at this craft. My life is more like this:

I get up and take a shower. By the time I get out, Olivia is crying in her crib, which is taxing to the brain at 5:50 a.m. I rescue her, cuddle her, put her into her exersaucer, and try to keep her entertained while I get ready. By 6:45 I’m on the road, trying to ignore the fact that I’m going 10 mph and listening to my iPod or the Mike Barnicle morning show on 96.9. At work, I work. I’ve been doing the same job for 3 years and know what I’m doing. Sometimes being around my coworkers can be exhausting. The drive home is longer than the drive there, since I never get to leave on time and every five extra minutes I spend in the office translates to an extra ten minutes on the road. Jay Severin complains about Hillary Clinton and “crimaliens” as I drive. I go to my parents’ house to get Olivia and think how I can’t believe I’m back in this town every day, back at this house. Sometimes I pick up a coconut iced coffee on my way so I won’t be tempted to snack when I get home, since going to the gym is more or less out of the question. I carry Olivia plus the baby bag, my purse, and sometimes my laptop bag up the stairs and dump everything on the dining room table. Then I am torn between playing with Olivia and taking care of things: making formula, taking something out for dinner, getting undressed, repacking Olivia’s bag for tomorrow. I never decompress, just move on to a different mental checklist. Joe gets home at 6:45 feeling the same way and complains about his day. Olivia is ready to have her last bottle by 7:15 and goes to bed by 7:45. It’s late to make dinner. We never know what to have. TV usually sucks. I go to bed and read, and I’m asleep by 10:30.

But that’s life, right? I suppose I need a hobby.

Update!

2007-04-17T15:58:00.000-04:00

Just kidding. Soon, I promise.

Waiting patiently for a bloody Mary

2007-03-29T08:55:00.000-04:00

Baby girl, growing up

2007-03-27T09:27:00.000-04:00

The comfort of a knowledge of a rise above the sky above could never parallel the challenge of an acquisition

2007-03-25T14:26:00.000-04:00

That's what I've been over doing the past week, acquiring things. Specifically:

1 dress, black, for the wedding in May
1 necklace, silver, to wear with the dress
1 pair earrings, silver, to complement the necklace
2 tops, one for work, one for play
3 flavored lip glosses, blackberry, peach, and lime (clear, not green)
1 small tube Jergens Natural Glow moisturizing cream for face, Medium
1 large tube Jergens Natural Glow Firming moisturizing lotion for body, Medium
1 accent lamp
1 antique-look globe
1 Dunkin Donuts coconut iced coffee, medium
1 wall hanging to go over our couch
1 30 gig iPod, white
1 2007 Mercury Milan V6 Premier, black

Oops, we bought a car. Our lease isn't up for four months, but we've been thinking for a while about what we wanted to get. We kept coming back to the Milan, the Camry, or another Accord. We voted down the Accord because we have one now and as much as we've loved it, the 2007 model looks pretty much the same as the 2004 and we wanted a change. We voted down the Camry because we weren't crazy about the 2007 styling. Milan, being the prettiest and the cheapest of the three, became an attractive alternative. An American car, I know! But Consumer Reports recommends it (thanks Dad), and there was a 2.9% financing deal, and they had what we wanted on the lot, and we got it for less than even we were anticipating (thanks Edmunds.com). Plus, in a few years, we'll have to replace Joe's car, so at that point we'll have the Milan paid off and it can become our secondary vehicle and we can use his current one as a trade on a new primary vehicle (I'm thinking Lexus...heh).

I'm still kicking ass on low-carb: so far, so good. Energy, it's nice to see you again! Have fun hanging out with your pal Determination. Why don't you go cozy up to Motivation and Willpower? Those fickle bitches need to be tamed.

My baby was upset, and I was AT THE BAR

2007-03-20T12:26:00.000-04:00

When I went in to get Olivia out of her crib Sunday morning, instead of seeing little feet waving in the air, I saw two little eyes peering over the rail. “Look at you!” I exclaimed. “Holy crap!” So we lowered the crib mattress, or in about two days she’d figure out how to pull herself up, get curious about what was beyond the bumper, and fall out.

Sunday afternoon I caught up with the girls at Crowley’s. We sat at the corner of the bar, had a couple beers, and met the man himself, Bob Crowley. I was starving when I arrived and ordered a grilled chicken salad…. little ranch, little buffalo sauce, so good. I also drank fake beer—Michelob Ultra. I missed my Stella, but Mick Ultra will have to do while I am hardcore low-carbing. While I was boozing it up, Joe was at home folding laundry, going grocery shopping, and baby wrangling. I love nontraditional gender roles. Go fix me a turkey pot pie!

When I got home, Joe told me that Olivia had been crying and crying, in the grocery store, at the Mac store, and during dinner. She never does that, and when I scooped her up she looked so fragile and drained, and my heart went out to her. I cuddled her, fed her her last bottle, and tried to put her to bed. She screamed in her crib. I felt wracked with guiltguiltguiltguiltguiltGUILT. Last night she cried too, but not as long. I peeked in on her and she was sleeping soundly on her tummy, head to the side. She sleeps on her stomach all the time now. We put her down on her back and she flips over almost immediately. She must like it better. I know I do.

Speaking of low-carbing, today is Day 7 of Being Good. I hate to call it that, but that’s what I always end up saying: “None for me, I’m being good.” There is a row of greens on my food intake chart and it gives me perverse pleasure. Oh yes, didn’t you know I have an anal tracking spreadsheet? I totally do. It’s numbered, dated, and has columns for food, water, and comments. It used to have an exercise column too, but the getting to the gym is pretty much a pipe dream these days. Every day, I color the number cell green, yellow or red. The geeky part of me that loves lists and surveys finds much gratification in the process of logging and evaluating.

The fact that I’ve gone a full week bodes well. When I start out, I can never tell if I’m serious. Sometimes I get all riled up and determined and then screw it up the same day. It seems like the more halfhearted I am, the better it sticks, maybe because I accept what I have to do rather than bursting out in frustration. Joe and I have a wedding to attend in May, so that’s the milestone I’m focusing on. It’s not so far off that I feel like I’m never going to make it, but it’s long enough to see some results. After that, I’ll set another milestone. Summer is always easier, not just because of the showing skin factor, but because meat tastes so much better grilled. The long term milestone is the end of the year, when we might think about having another baby (ahh!). That, however, does feel a long way off.

The Soundtrack of My Life

2007-03-15T13:31:00.001-04:00

Awesome idea! Stolen from guinnessgirl, by way of Red:

Opening Credits: Australia – the Shins
Waking Up Scene: (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? – Oasis
Car Driving Scene: If I’d Been the One – .38 Special
High School Flashback Scene: Sick of Myself – Matthew Sweet
Nostalgia Scene: Time After Time – Cyndi Lauper
Bitter, Angry Scene: All the Pretty Faces – the Killers
Break-up Scene: Don't Change Your Plans – Ben Folds
Regret Scene: Pray Your Gods – Toad the Wet Sprocket
Fuck it Out Scene: Mulder and Scully - Catatonia
Nightclub/Bar Scene: Bohemian Like You – Dandy Warhols
Fight/Action Scene: The Gauntlet – Dropkick Murphys
You Got Served Scene: Renegade Master - Wildchild
Sad, downtrodden scene: Pensacola – Joan Osborne
Death Scene: Breathe Me - Sia
Funeral Scene: Hail to Whatever You Found in the Sunlight that Surrounds You – Rilo Kiley
Mellow/Pot-smoking Scene: Cinnamon Girl – Neil Young
Dreaming About Someone Scene: You Are Everything – the Stylistics
Sex Scene: Electrical Storm – U2
Contemplation Scene: Mona Lisa – Guster
Chase Scene: Going to Pasalacqua – Green Day
Happy Love Scene: Two Step – Dave Matthews Band
Happy Friend Scene: Mr. Jones – Counting Crows
Closing Credits: Lucky – Til Tuesday

The world is spinning but I'm not afraid

2007-03-12T15:36:00.000-04:00

I’m having myself a little mourning session for Brad Delp today. This morning I blasted Boston’s greatest hits on my way to work. When Lola and I went out for coffee, I still had it on and we talked about what a loss it is and that he was too young. My heart goes out to his fiancée, his kids, and his fans. When I heard him referred to as “the nicest guy in rock and roll,” it reminded me that musicians exist outside of their records, that they become middle aged and live locally and continue to share their music with appreciative, albeit smaller, audiences.

Boston is one of my top 5 bands. In college, I used to play “Don’t Look Back” so often it felt like my theme song. “A Man I’ll Never Be” is the one I like to belt out at top volume when I’m alone in the car. “Let Me Take You Home Tonight” is like a phenomenal third date of miniature golf and ice cream. The ethereal intro to “Something About You” causes me to collapse against the nearest wall and sigh.

I make no apologies about loving cheesy arena rock. Boston’s songs make me wish I were twenty years older. They represent what was good and free about the late seventies: in the post-Vietnam world of gasoline shortages and macramé, with Reaganomics just a few short years away, the music was idyllic. It embodied endless summer: romance, muscle tees, heartbreak, Miller High Life, and the freedom for white boys to rock giant afros. I once read something about “More Than a Feeling” being the musical equivalent of one’s older brother washing his car in the driveway. It’s so true, and I never even had a brother.

Anyway. Godspeed, Brad.

Cabin fever

2007-03-07T11:40:00.000-05:00

I’m with Red; it’s too cold. I’m dying for summer: open windows, classic rock, lobster rolls, Bumble & Bumble Surf Spray, pedicures, coconut shampoo, Adirondack chairs, road trips. The yearning is unbearable, the way it always gets at the end of winter. But we turn the clocks ahead this weekend, and that’s the first step towards spring, thank fucking god.

Joe and I are trying to figure out what to do this summer, what kind of vacation we’d like to take and how to do it with a one-year-old. I don’t think we want to fly, or leave the country, but we definitely want and need to go somewhere. We’ve been tossing around the options: the Cape, the Berkshires, Lake George, Lake Winnipesaukee, Lake Champlain, Newport, Block Island, etc.

This is when I mourn for camp. Camp was the perfect summer escape: unpretentious, old-school, totally disconnected from real life, and always there. It was just two little cottages in the Maine woods, situated at the end of a winding dirt road. Being up at camp was all about swimming with my cousins, picking wild blueberries, getting sunburned, visiting flea markets, gathering pinecones, slapping mosquitoes, eating ice cream at wooden picnic tables—everything a kid could want out of summer. I so wish we could bring Olivia there. How adorable is a pudgy baby sitting at water’s edge, wearing a bathing suit and ruffled sunbonnet, playing with a plastic bucket and toy shovel, tiny feet covered in sand? So cute it kills me, and it kills me even more that she won't have the same idyllic experiences I had there.

I was so overwhelmed with nostalgia for camp, I made a photo collage. See?

The rest of these are pictures of actual camp:

The list

2007-02-22T14:58:00.002-05:00

1: You were a junior who knew exactly what you were doing. I was a freshman who was ready to give it up. We met in an innocuous way; I don’t recall exactly how. One day we went into the woods behind the dorms to smoke pot. On our way back, you asked me whether I believed in friends having sex. I said I did. We watched Killing Zoe in your common room and then you walked me home. My roommate was away. You lay on my bed and wanted me to undress in front of you. We did it. I wasn’t sure what to do other than lie there and think, “Holy shit, I’m having sex.” After you left, I felt awesome. I was part of the club.

2: I never liked you, but you gave good head. I’d sometimes invite you over if you agreed to perform the act and then leave. And you would. You wanted me to lie to your mother about my age. I used to ask you to buy for me and my friends, but never invited you to drink with us. You ended up being kind of a stalker, and you were definitely too old for me. You cried like a little bitch when I dumped you. You had a tacky waterbed and a crappy car.

3: You were a sweet, dumb ballplayer. I met you online. You colluded with one of my good friends and drove sixteen hours to meet me. You showed up at my door late at night and greeted me by saying, “Hey goofball.” You brought a friend who ended up contracting gastroenteritis. He was in a lot of discomfort, so we generously let him stay in my room while we boffed in the study lounge with the couch blocking the door. The following month, I visited you over spring break. We shared a week of debauchery and experimentation. After that, it had clearly run its course, but I was still hurt when we stopped talking.

4: You were a long-distance love. We had drama and sweetness and something that definitely mattered. But the friendship we have now is better, so that’s all I’ll say.

5: You were the rebound from the long-distance love. We had been hooking up on and off since freshman year, so it was sort of a foregone conclusion. Afterwards, you said it didn’t seem like I was into it. I wasn’t. You used to always give me wicked makeout burn from your goatee.

6: You were the friend of a friend, someone fun and nice with rugged good looks and a nipple ring. We met freshman year and then re-met sophomore year. I had fun hanging out and getting drunk with you and our shared friends. We existed in a bubble of good times.

7: You were a waiter at Denny’s. And you were French. I was a girl with a summer to kill. You gave me your number while I was having late night coffee and smokes with my friends. I invited you to a party my sister was having at my parents’ house while they were in California. For the rest of the summer, I’d invite you over after work, and then hustle you out 30 or 45 minutes later. That was pretty brazen in retrospect; my parents were downstairs. In August, you started to annoy me and I ditched you at a party. I’m sorry I was mean to you; you were a nice kid.

7.5: We never had sex but you are worth mentioning. You were a friend of my roommate's fiance. You had already graduated and had a job. And you were gorgeous: tall, dark and handsome, wearing a preppy L.L. Bean sweater under a puffy vest and a baseball cap pulled low over your eyes. You drove a Jeep wth removable doors, which you brought inside. We hung out at my apartment, drinking, watching scrambled porn, and waiting for the others to drift off to bed. When we were finally alone, we stretched out on the couch under a blanket and finally started making out. But it was extremely late and we were too tired to take it very far. I went to bed. The next morning, you and your doors were gone.

8: You… who the hell were you? Some guy I met out, whose last name I don’t know, a week or so before I left for my semester abroad. Your friend bought my friend a drink. We took you and your buddies back to my other friend’s house to drink vodka and hang out, but your friends weren’t cool at all. I guess you probably weren’t either, but you were good enough for a romp in my backseat in the parking lot of my high school before I dropped you off at home.

9: You were Scottish and totally cute. We met in a club in Edinburgh and acted like we had been together forever. We had an amazing connection. You were a smart dresser and had funky glasses and wild, sticky-uppy hair. You carried around business cards with your roommates’ and your name and contact details on them. When I returned to Edinburgh, we resumed as if no time had passed. The first night we were all over each other. The second night we were supposed to meet at this club/gothic church, but you got drunk watching soccer, passed out, and never made it. I was highly disappointed.

10: You and I, we had unfinished business. You were a frat boy who lived locally but went to school out of state. We met freshman year and did plenty of groping but never sealed the deal. The summer after junior year, you called randomly. You must have looked me up, because I never gave you my number. You were home and wanted to meet up. We went to your mom’s house. We played drinking games with your brother and you played Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Boxer” on max volume because it was one of your favorite songs. When we headed off to bed, I saw my name and number on a scrap of paper on your bedside table. I fell asleep with my contacts still on. In the wee hours of the morning, I left you passed out and drove home.

11: Two weeks after #10, I met you. We had a week-long first date and have never stopped talking or seeing each other since. You became my husband and father to our gorgeous child. You’re the end of my list. I’ll never need a #12.

Honey-dipped disenchantment

2007-02-22T08:43:00.000-05:00

My parents bought a new bedroom set. As my mom was emptying her old bureau drawers, she found a little pottery dish I made in kindergarten: lumpy, misshapen, pocked, glazed an uneven royal blue. On the bottom it says, “M [Maiden name], K, 1983.”

24 years old, this hideous thing is. I remember making it in the cafetorium of my elementary school. I wanted it to be aqua, not blue, but it was hard to tell the glazes apart. I was disappointed when it came out of the kiln. It makes me a little sad for my five-year-old self.

She gave it to me. Now it’s on my desk, where I can tell people my creativity clearly blossomed at an early age. Behold:

Stolen from Red, and by the way, the U.S. Census is pretty nifty

2007-02-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

What kind of doctor would you want to be?
Probably a family practitioner… I don’t have any interest in medicine. I don’t even watch Grey’s Anatomy. As a family physician I imagine I’d mostly ask people how their kids/grandkids were doing, run some routine blood tests, and remind them to eat better and exercise more, but not in a condescending way. If something actually seemed wrong, I’d give them a referral for a specialist.

On average, how many hours of sleep do you get each night? How many hours do you actually require and/or like to have? Do you have a regular bedtime routine that helps you get to sleep?
I get 6-7 hours a night. I’d like at least eight, and I’d like to not have to get up at 5:15 a.m. My “regular bedtime routine that helps [me] get to sleep” is having a baby. I’m exhausted by the time I fall into bed.

Have you ever sent or received a piece of fan mail?
Back in the day I sent several fan letters to the New Kids on the Block. I also sent one to Alyssa Milano and like three years later I got back a fake-autographed photo of the Who’s the Boss? cast. By the time I got the photo, I had forgotten writing the letter. Received, though? I’m not Winnie Cooper, you know.

Do you wear a watch every day? If so, describe it.
Why would I need one? I'm married to Father Time. When I do wear a watch it’s usually more of a fashion thing. I like big watches, so I prefer men’s styles to women’s.

Do you wear cologne or perfume?
I love perfume, but stopped wearing it while I was pregnant because the scents were overpowering. Now I’ve sort of fallen out of the habit. But I do love the Kate Spade fragrance and I need a new bottle (hint, hint).

Is it easier for men or women to find good partners?
It seems easier for men, both in general and by the numbers. According to the 2002 U.S. Census, “the civilian non-institutionalized population of the United States totaled 282.1 million — 144 million were female and 138 million were male.” That’s 6 million more women out there. I don’t know how many of the 138 million males would make good partners, but “non-institutionalized” is a good place to start.

If you found your true love, how long would you wait for him/her to return your love?
What? This kind of distorted thinking is what feeds the Dr. Phil weepy lady pipeline.

What profession gets too much respect?
I agree with Red: professional sports. Hey, you bastards? You ARE role models to kids, so start acting like it. Also, your new annual salary is $65,093, the median U.S. income for 2003.

What profession doesn't get enough respect?
Teaching.

How long have you held your current job and how does it rate against your former jobs as far as overall happiness?
Three years next month. I’m happier in this job than any I’ve had before.

What does a typical workday look like for you?
I get up at 5:15 and leave the house at 6:45. The car is full of CDs, because I grab new ones without ever putting any back (today: The Shins). I get to work by 7:30, log into my computer, listen to my voice mail (damn you red light) and go through my email. My early-bird coworker and I walk down for breakfast (cheddar omelet, two turkey sausages, coffee and water) around 8:00. The day goes along: meetings, phone calls, IMs. Around noon we start gathering the troops for lunch. Yes, I’m in a lunch clique. We stay down in the cafeteria gabbing about current events for a while, then drag ourselves back up to our desks for the afternoon. My day ends at 4:00, though usually more like 4:15-4:20, and I drive to my parents’ house to pick up Olivia.

If you had to describe the thing done by someone at work that drives you the craziest, what would you say?
Every bloody day, my ex-coworker would ask me, “So, what’d you do last night?” and I’d feel like a loser answering, “Um, nothing,” day after day. It got to the point where I’d be rehearsing my answer during my commute.

Where are you in birth order in your family... first, last, middle, only? Do you think that has any effect on your personality? Do you buy into the stereotypes of birth order?
I have a younger sister. I think birth order has some impact on personality, and some conditions become stereotypical partly because they appear over and over, but it’s relative. If I’m bossy, maybe it’s because I’m a firstborn and maybe it isn’t.

If, for one month, you had to live day and night at any one retail store, which one would it be?
Harrods.

Have you ever gone on a blind date?
Yes.

What's the weather like right now in your neck of the woods?
Cold and sunny.

If you were to audition for American Idol, what would your song be?
Maybe “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dayne. It would be hard not to sound better than her.

What was the last thing you spent money on?
Lunch – a salad and a baked potato. Boring!

Can you name them all the Presidents in the order they were in office? Can you name their respective Vice Presidents? Do you know what state they hailed from? What do you know?
Blah, what? I know this: whenever there’s a president question on Jeopardy! and I don’t know the answer, I default to Martin Van Buren. Joe’s go-to guy is Warren G. Harding.

Does sure mean the same as yes? Does no problem mean the same as thank you? Are there other words that you can think of that are different, but are interchangeable in daily conversation?
Yes, no, and I’ve found that “hi” can mean “fuck you” depending on how you say it.

What's the tackiest place you’ve been on holiday and loved?
I have to agree with Red again and go with Epcot Center. I was in second grade when I was there and now I totally want to go back. I love that it was based on Walt Disney’s vision of a utopian city of the future and originally intended to be an actual 20,000-resident “controlled community.” How far in the future was Walt talking, do you think? Because one day it’s going to be that year and we’re going to laugh our asses off. Like how Back to the Future II takes place in 2015 and I don’t see them building flying cars or even Hoverboards yet.

Do you watch Lost? Do you have a theory for what's happening on the island?
NO. It’s impossible to formulate a theory about what’s going on because they’re making it up as they go along and that just kills me. It KILLS me, Kira, you don’t even KNOW!

If you were stranded on an uninhabited tropical island that does have shelter and plenty of food and water, what one item would you want with you on the island?
A laptop with high-speed connection.

What are your five favorite songs?
“Mona Lisa” by Guster
“A Day in the Life” by the Beatles
“California Dreaming” by the Mamas and the Papas
“State of Love and Trust” by Pearl Jam
“Bohemian Like You” by the Dandy Warhols

What song makes you think of high school?
“Jennifer’s Body” by Hole

What song makes you think of college?
“Hook” by Blues Traveler

What song makes you think of your 20s?
That’s not really fair. High school and college were only four years apiece versus a decade of my 20s. But for the record, “Smooth” by Santana & Rob Thomas reminds me of my early 20s and “It’s My Life” by Gwen Stefani reminds me of my late 20s.

251 more words of fiction that will perish from neglect in my C: drive

2007-02-15T10:27:00.000-05:00

Calvin gives it up in a way that no man ever should. He balks at self-preservation, chooses to flagellate himself with no hope or expectation of credit. He must get off on punishment. Buxom and bewitching, with Bettie Page bangs and red lipstick, Victoria looks capable of being a punisher. She pulls the corset strings, squeezing the breath out of him every day.

They’re sitting across from us at the Ukrainian diner around the corner from our apartment, engaging in the delicately nuanced power struggle that passes these days for social interaction.

“I told you I had an appointment uptown,” Calvin says, five minutes into a row about a missed dinner engagement.

“No, you didn’t,” Victoria says. “I obviously wouldn’t have made plans if I knew.”

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter. But the card was on the fridge. And I did tell you.”

“Cal—seriously—like I’m supposed to pay attention to a tiny card on the fridge. Like I could even find it with all our crap.”

“I didn’t put it there for you to notice it. I don’t go around deliberately turning our daily ministrations into a scavenger hunt. That’s why I said to you on Monday morning, ‘Oh, by the way, I’m seeing Dr. Malcolm on Thursday.’ Can we drop it and enjoy brunch with our friends, who don’t need to be hearing this?”

“Right, so I’m the one taking it too far, as usual. My apologies, dear friends,” Victoria says to us, sweeping a hand to her bosom.

The Pepper Air Phenomenon

2007-02-14T16:41:00.000-05:00

Poor Ignorant Fool: What the fuck is "pepper air"?
Me: It's the noxious smell given off by cooked green peppers.
PIF: What? Peppers are good!
Me: Not to me.
PIF: How can you not like green peppers?
Me: I think they taste gross.
PIF: What about non-green ones?
Me: Some of them are okay, depending on what kind, what they're in, and how big the pieces are.
PIF: All peppers are awesome.
Me: Okay, I get it, you've established your position.
PIF: I especially like peppers on pizza.
Me: Gag.
PIF: You can't even handle peppers on pizza? You just pick em off.
Me: Are you kidding me?
PIF: What?
Me: You can't just pick them off. The slice still tastes like pepper.
PIF: Well, what if it was half and half, with peppers only on one side?
Me: Sorry, not good enough.
PIF: Why not?
Me: PEPPER AIR.
PIF: But the peppers aren't touching anything that will touch your tongue!
Me: Doesn't matter. The pepper air ruins the entire pie.
PIF: Wha... how?
Me: Because the box acts like an incubator, keeping the peppers warm and allowing their nasty essence to permeate every molecule of crust, sauce and cheese.
PIF: You're crazy. I can't taste the difference.
Me: That's because you like peppers. Even if you could tell, you wouldn't be repelled by the taste.
PIF: [thinks] Let's assume you're right. Does the theory apply only to pizza, does it extend to calzones, what?
Me: Calzones, interestingly, are exempt. The dough acts as a protective shield. Although I can't tell you what might happen if two calzones were left together in a warming box for an extended period of time.
PIF: God forbid we should ever find out.
Me: Exactly. The theory does, however, apply to omelets. Can't enjoy a cheese omelet if an omelet with peppers was recently prepared on the same cooking surface.
PIF: All this talk about peppers is making me want a pepper and onion pizza with a side Casear. Aren't Caesars the best? Don't you love the extra-crunchy Romaine spines? They're sooooooo gooooood.
Me: Get out.

Snow day!

2007-02-14T16:31:00.000-05:00

hnm / hb ytgfv/-;.-[p'[nu-0'm=[09p;o
.k,,

Olivia typed that. She clearly wants a blog. I think she finds her inability to communicate via the written word very frustrating. She must, anyway, because she's acting out... yanking the iBook power cord out, pressing the delete key to erase my work, tugging on my sleeve as if delivering an ultimatum: "If not me, then not you either."

It's a completely unexpected day off. Maybe not for most New Englanders, but I often go days at a time without seeing a local news or weather report. So when everybody in the office yesterday was like, "DID YOU HEAR? STORM COMING! SNOW! SLEET! ICE! I HOPE WE DON'T DIE," and my boss suggested we work from home if it looked bad out, I went to bed all excited. At 5:30 this morning, though, I woke up disappointed. There was barely a coating of snow on the ground and nothing but a little freezing rain falling. I took a shower fairly convinced I'd be going to work. Then I turned on the TV and was heartened when the newscasts were all school closings, highway accidents, and flashy VALENTINE'S DAY 2007 NOR'EASTER graphics. And the precipitation outside was picking up, so that was encouraging too. I got as far as putting on black pants when we made the executive decision to stay home.

A good decision, indeed. Hot chocolate, Swingers, Project Runway, Olivia in her soft little snowman sleeper. Of course, now Joe is outside trying to dig out. We never made proper arrangements for plowing; months ago our neighbor mentioned something about plowing us out for free, but neighbors and favors aren't exactly a reliable combination, and then it was 50 degrees every day until like 3 weeks ago, and so here we are. Or there he is; I'm inside watching Olivia, i.e. writing this as she naps beside me.

Project Runway note: Those Grammy outfits were FUGLY.

Snapshot: now

2007-02-06T15:21:00.000-05:00

Olivia cut her first two teeth.
She’s moving into 6-9 month clothes and likes every food she’s tried, including prunes.
She sits up on her own now.
I listen to the second Rilo Kiley album, The Execution of All Things, every day to and from work.
I’m completely obsessed with Paint’s Peeling, So Long and Hail to Whatever You Found in the Sunlight that Surrounds You.
My grandfather passed away after a decade-long battle with Alzheimer’s.
It was sad but he’s finally liberated.
I’ve been trying to find curtains for my living room.
I returned a set of ivory panels, am about to return a set of gold striped panels, and am now seeking some nice gold sheers.
Joe spends every weekend scraping down wallpaper borders left by the former owner.
I drank a lot of beer with the girls on Saturday.
And got to swoon over a cute bartender, who sang along with Carry On My Wayward Son and The Joker.
And I saw pictures of some random guy’s penis.
It looked like every other penis I’ve seen.
On Thursday I have a service appointment for the car, a dentist appointment for myself, and a pediatrician appointment for Olivia.
I’m ready for spring.
This below zero wind chill shit has got to go.
I mourn my gray Old Navy cowl-neck sweater that got snagged beyond saving in the wash.
Tomorrow my boss is taking us out for an appreciation lunch.
I'm ready to get out of here.

The jerk store called...

2007-01-10T09:03:00.000-05:00

You know what kills me? The feeling of hating an anonymous jerk in a car and not being able to do anything about it. On Saturday, Joe, Olivia and I were going out for a late lunch and then some errands. In Middleton center we caught all green lights and cruised through a busy two-lane intersection. We were in the right lane. Then this fucking guy at the cross street made a right on red and cut us off. Right on red is legal but he had nowhere near enough time to do it. I had to slam on my brakes to avoid us hitting him. Instinctively, I honked and flipped the double bird. I’ve become a much more patient driver since Olivia was born—nothing is worth jeopardizing her safety—and I probably should have let this go too, but you know how it is, the jolt of adrenaline when you only have a split second to avoid a very bad situation, and after you do, your heart is pounding and you feel helpless and pissed.

In response he chose to slam on his brakes, trying to make me rear-end him. That is just the brattiest, most childish move on the road, a jerkoff’s way of flaunting disregard for accountability, manners, and public safety. He knows he was a dick, but he doesn’t care. You’re the asshole for calling him out. And he didn’t stop there. He came to a complete stop in the middle of the lane, holding up everyone behind him, and started yelling out his window. I couldn’t hear him and didn’t care what he was saying, but I could see his angry jerk face in his rearview mirror, red and contorted.

I should have known, really. He was driving an old-ass Dodge pickup of indiscriminate gray color, with peeling paint and a Sunoco bumper sticker. And wearing a neon green t-shirt.

So, I didn’t do what I would have done in high school, which is to blow kisses and try to get in front of him. Fortunately, I’ve matured a little bit. I rolled my eyes and waved my hand for him to give it up, don’t make it worse, start moving. Which he eventually did, and we followed him for a couple miles until he turned off on a street with some piles of dirt, construction vehicles, and white trash-looking houses.

Those incidents always stick around for a while, as you fume and try to calm down. The whole way to the restaurant, we’d be talking about something else and then one of us would burst out, “God, that guy! What an asshole. Who does that?”

Ugh, people.

Musings about 2006

2006-12-28T19:12:00.000-05:00

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Sold a property. For a couple of harrowing weeks, owned two houses. And, of course, gave birth. Hallelujah, holy shit!

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions?
No, unless "stop going to the gym in mid-April" and "not lose baby weight" can be counted.

3. What countries did you visit?
None. But we were intending to go to Ireland.

4. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Energy!

5. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 7, when we found out we were having a little girl and first went shopping for tiny pink things. July 12, my due date and also the day we got central air. July 21, Olivia's eventual birthdate. December 21, when Olivia said her first word (without intent, but still): mama!

6. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Again, I have to go with giving birth. But really, the whole of 2006 was extraordinary. Buying this house and worrying every day that the deal would fall through, selling the condo and worrying every day that the deal would fall through, moving at eight months along, living without AC (dear god how do people do it?), picking Joe up from the train station for a month before he got a car, Joe finishing school, having and caring for Olivia, and dealing with not one, not, two, but three contractors? That's enough stuff for five years.

7. What was your biggest failure?
I fell out of touch with Amanda and haven't spoken to her at all since Olivia's birth.

8. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had three major colds during my pregnancy, which are only worth mentioning because I couldn't. take. anything. It sucked. And a level 2 perineal tear certainly counts as injury, especially when the doctor asks, "Hmm. Do you normally bleed a lot?" and has you rolled down to the ER for repair. God help all you Level 3 and 4 ladies.

9. What was the best thing you bought?
A Trane XR13... in other words, central fucking air. Also, the First Years bottle warmer has been extremely useful since Day 1.

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Joe's. Raising a baby is hard. Joe does it with patience and love for Olivia and me.

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
George W. Bush

12. Where did most of your money go?
Contractors, mortgage, diapers, formula, Macy's.

13. What song will always remind you of 2006?
"When You Were Young" by the Killers.

14. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Happier
b) Thinner or fatter? Fatter
c) Richer or poorer? Richer

15. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise.

16. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stressing out.

17. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve we went to my grandparents' house. It was about a million degrees in their house and I had cramps. Olivia was a perfect doll. We watched A Christmas Carol but didn't finish it. On Christmas morning we wore pajamas over to my parents' house and had the perfect day in. We had eggs benedict, potato latkes, and panetone for breakfast. We opened gifts. We watched Christmas Vacation. We had roast beef with horseradish dressing, au gratin potatoes, and Cobb salad for dinner, and homemade lemon raspberry tarts for dessert. It took two cars to get all of Olivia's new toys back to our house.

18. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yes, absolutely. But parental love is weird, it's like, if you could take even a tiny glimpse into the whole of it, you wouldn't be able to function, go to work, or ever let your little one leave your sight, so you don't feel it all at once, you just feel it in swells and snap crackle pops with every smile, butt dance, and silly inhaled laugh.

19. How many one-night stands?
None, but having a baby means whoring yourself out to at least ten doctors and nurses.

20. What was your favorite TV program?
Intervention, 30 Days, and the Office.

21. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I hate Barbara Walters, but I felt that way last year too.

22. What was the best book you read?
Kitchen Confidential. Just finished it. An enjoyable, educational read. Anthony Bourdain is a stud.

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jenny Lewis. And that the Killers are for fucking real.

24. What did you want and get?
Olivia.

25. What did you want and not get?
A ginormous inheritance from a long-lost relative.

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
Borat.

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went to Polcari's for dinner with my family and Red, Carly, and Professor K. I turned 29 (dun-dun-DUN!)

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
This year was already immeasurably satisfying. But as a bonus, I'd've liked to have these fugly wallpaper borders removed and my living room, bedroom and family room painted.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
January-March: Stretchy work clothes, jeans with hair elastic wrapped around button for extra room, pointy-toe boots.
March-July: Maternity wear, including elastic panel jeans, empire waist tops, black stretch trousers, tank tops, one pair of comfy gauchos (ruined by a bottle of spray-bleach, just in time, frankly), flip-flops (two pairs of Rocket Dogs, the only brand that fit), and a pair of black Franco Sarto mules now stretched into oblivion.
July-October: Jeans, tank tops, casual long-sleeved jerseys, flip-flops (Reef - ahh), brown Steve Madden cable-knit sweater slides.
October-December: Trousers, sweaters, button-downs, jeans, all new, all one size bigger than pre-pregnancy, same pointy-toe boots (thank god, shoe size did not permanently increase as feared. Hopefully that will also apply to ass size).

30. What kept you sane?
My family and friends. Thank you.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
This year I had a thing for Dermot Mulroney.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?
The war. Illegal immigration. Gay marriage.

33. Who did you miss?
Amanda.

34. Who is the best new person you met?
Another no-brainer. My little one, Olivia Rachel.

35. Tell us some valuable life lessons you learned in 2006.
Be nice to your spouse even if you're both exhausted. Take a weekend away from the baby even though you'll miss her. Get massages.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
-Guster, Satellite

How you know you're a parent

2006-12-28T18:49:00.000-05:00

This happens:

You run out of your Paul Mitchell Super Strong shampoo and use Gerber Grins & Giggles as a substitute.

The Portion of Gabe Kapler's Press Conference that Didn't Make the Networks

2006-12-14T10:34:00.000-05:00

Member of the Press Corps: Gabe, you’ve just announced that you’re retiring from baseball to become skipper of the Red Sox Class-A Greenville Drive. You’re only 31 years old. Why now?

Gabe Kapler: After a lot of deliberation, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll be able to have more of an impact on the game as a manager and leader. I’m very grateful to the organization for affording me this extraordinary opportunity.

PC: Is that the only reason?

GK: Well, managing will allow me to spend more time with my family. I also want to devote time to my foundation and educating the public about domestic violence. Ladies: if you’re ever in an abusive relationship, call me and I will come over to your house and personally beat the crap out of the bastard. I’ll stalk him at work, at the strip club, at his mistress’s, whatever you need.

PC: What kind of contribution do you hope to make in Greenville?

GK: I think I’ll be able to make a big contribution to the club. I feel I really understand the mentality of Single-A players. At that level, natural athletic talent can really carry you and I want to help the players maintain realistic expectations. Take me; I was a star in Single-A. By the time I got to the majors, it was apparent that I didn’t have the speed, coordination or instincts to really excel. I mean, look at my stats: .270 lifetime average and only 64 home runs over nine seasons. With this physique? Something just wasn’t clicking. I just don’t want these guys to get up there and be disappointed.

PC: Well, we weren’t going to be the ones to say it.

GK: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do. Besides, being a backup outfielder wasn’t very exciting. I think managing will be more of a challenge. Plus I’ll be in South Carolina: beach, barbecue, year round golf… pretty sweet.

PC: Are there any other reasons?

GK: You guys are so damn pushy. If you have to know, playing in the majors was really starting to take its toll on me physically.

PC: Are you referring to the Achilles rupture you suffered a couple years back?

GK: No. I mean in general. Like, all the air travel was totally fucking up my skin. It used to be perfect but now I get these dry patches, but my forehead’s oily. What’s up with that?

PC: …

GK: Especially when we’d go to the West Coast, the time change would mess with my sleep. I started to get dark circles. I asked the trainers about it, but there wasn’t really anything they could do. Plus I was riding the bench a lot, so I was afraid my ass was starting to spread.

PC: Okay…

GK: So, you know, I’ll be glad to be down South. The humidity will probably help… with the skin thing, I mean.

PC: You could try a really good moisturizer, like Kiehl’s or La Mer. Uhh, I mean, are you planning to model your management style after any of the great skippers?

GK: I tried some goop my wife uses, but it didn’t help. I’m just concentrating on staying hydrated. I can’t wait to get set up down there. I’m planning to build this outdoor gym, right? Right on the beach… put my Bowflex out there, treadmill, elliptical, press, full set of barbells, plasma TV so I can analyze tape while I run, and a full-length mirror so I can do muscle poses and kiss my biceps. Plus this state-of-the-art machine I have that tracks your vitals. I get a technician from the manufacturer to come by every three months to recalibrate it. I'll also have an outdoor shower and a wet bar so I can make protein shakes and smoothies. I really can’t wait.

PC: Nice. Can I come over?

GK: Sure, come for Shabbos. But leave your tape recorder at the door. And don’t go near my wife. I heard about you and Anna Benson. Look at these guns. I could make your face eat itself with one blow.

PC: Is that a threat?

GK: All I’m saying is, you’d best mind your manners.

PC: Uh, thanks for your time. [overheard] Chuck, bring the van around, now.

Going to Canada is like riding a unicorn through a field of candy canes! Or so claims the Ministry of Tourism's drug-induced radio spot.

2006-12-07T16:17:00.000-05:00

Back in college, my friends and I used to make yearly pilgrimages to Montreal. That’s a great road trip if you hate scenery—three hours of scraggly Vermont wilderness and two more of flat Quebec farmland punctuated by metal-roofed farmhouses… that is, until you reach Iberville and this imposing bastion of advertising, this Paul Bunyan of carbonation, looms into view:

Such a great specimen of roadside kitsch! Coke man is the best.

I’ve been up to Montreal a few times, but the best time was with my friend Amy. It was wintertime, very cold and icy. The hotels in Montreal proper are expensive for po’ college kids, so we stayed in Longueuil, just across the river. It was a high-rise and we were on something like the tenth floor, so we had an amazing view of the bridge, the river, the city, and the heavy, swirling snow.

Our first mission upon arrival was to find a liquor store. We were always giddy bringing our purchases to the counter, feeling like undercover agents from the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms were going to leap out and arrest us. Somehow, we always managed to evade them and make off with our contraband: Bailey’s and butterscotch schnapps. Heh.

To kill time during the day, because it was zero degrees out, we went to the mall in Longueuil. It was fun to browse Canadian stores (hello acid wash!), marvel at how the Tragically Hip can be a household name in Canada and virtually unknown in the States, and people-watch in the food court while enjoying French fries with vinegar and a Labatt Bleu. The highlight was witnessing a guy being chased by the Royal Canadian Mounted Shopping Centre Force, tackled to the ground, and handcuffed.

Back at the hotel, we began the elaborate ritual of getting ready to go out. Besides showering, applying makeup, styling hair, and trying on and rejecting every article of clothing (our own and each other’s) before returning to our pre-planned outfits (invariably black pants, black boots and a sassy top), we bopped around to the Backstreet Boys and tipped back about ten buttershots apiece. Then we assembled M.I.L.K., buttoned up our coats, and descended into the Metro. Destination: Peel Pub.

I still get warm and fuzzy when I think of Peel Pub. Honestly, we thought we had discovered the best bar in the city, and had going online in 1996 not involved eighty billion hours of waiting for Netscape to load a single page we would have known this, but Peel Pub is home away from home for McGill students: big, divey, loud, jammed with tables, hockey on 24/7 and pitchers of Molson Triple-X flowing plentifully. And it was full of Canadians, who are friendly and love to drink, but who aren’t underage and therefore aren’t all fratty-bo-batty and binging it up like American college students.

We met tons of guys there, all of whom, once it was revealed that we were Americans, wanted to treat us to an enthusiastic, if slightly defensive, litany of reasons why Canada rules. I’ve heard this more than twice, and the list is always like, “Hockey! Better beer! Um, let me think. Because it’s not the States!” which… huh? Beyond whatever that is supposed to imply about the U.S., why would you hinge your national identity on a fervent anti-comparison to a neighboring country (unless you live in South Korea, in which case I understand)? It sounds ridiculous. “Denmark is great! You know why? It isn’t Norway.”

Although how great would it be if there was a random Dane reading this like, “Word.”

Anyway, putting Canada’s insecurity aside, we got drunk. We talked to people, although I have no recollection of anything that was discussed (I’ll take a stab: hockey? Beer?). I do remember sitting there enjoying myself when a guy walking by stopped abruptly, leaned down, and kissed me. Afterwards, he said, “I felt like doing that, so I did.”

Later on we decided to leave. I’m not sure why, or if we were with anyone, or where we were planning to go next, but I yelled at two guys on the sidewalk whom we had seen inside. They stopped to talk, and ended up escorting us to a nearby pub, where there was an Irish band and a bunch of middle-aged people dancing. It was fun, especially when a guy in a cable-knit sweater who was old enough to know better fell off his barstool. After that they took us to a boring club; the only thing I remember about that place is there was a gigantic fancy staircase and two-for-one Budweisers. Finally, we all went to a nearly empty pool hall where we did shots of tequila.

Afterwards, on the street, they tried to invite us back to their apartment to watch Apocalypse Now. It was getting weird and there weren’t many people on the street and we were in a random area near the Molson Centre. Amy and I kept communicating with our eyes about how we were going to get out of the situation. A cab magically slowed at the corner, Amy flagged the driver, and we jumped into the back. The driver was funny. “Thank you for saving us,” we told him. “Ahh… they want to make babies,” he said in a gutteral French accent. Then he wanted us to play a trick on another cab driver. I agreed to call the driver pretending to be a stripper who had just gotten off her shift at Solid Gold and needed to be picked up. I’d say it was the strangest cab ride of my life, but there was also the time on Storrow Drive when we got into an accident with a Jeep and, of course, the Travis Bickle doppelganger who drove us to see Dane this summer.

How does this meandering and not very entertaining story end? We slept until five minutes before checkout. Driving home, we got on 87 instead of 89 because there are no signs and had to go through upstate New York.

Well hey, what kind of big finish did you want, dancing girls in feather headdresses? This is a blog, not English class. And apparently not Vegas, now that I've taken it there. Not even Atlantic City.

BFF

2006-12-07T07:49:00.000-05:00

Another communique, this time from a lovely young woman of apparent Italian descent who is seeking the comfort of friendship in an unfamiliar land:

Hello my dear friend. I was lookinga through the web few weeks ago anda founda your profile. Now I decided to webmail you to geta to know ayou better. I am coming to yaour couantry in few weeks and thoughta may bbe we caan meet each other. I am pretty looking girl. I am 25. Do not reply to this address directly. Email me back at qgfyy @ newhomefast . info

Isn't that nice? I can already picture it: the two of us becoming fast friends, walking the Freedom Trail, shopping on Newbury Street, stopping for gelato in the North End, giggling over boys and shoes, and thinking up ways to scam people out of their life's savings.

++@@@@++Get PENILE ENHANCEMENT!++@@@@++

2006-12-05T15:14:00.000-05:00

I get a bunch of spam emails in my work email. A lot of them are like fake press releases about stocks, and some of them are gibberish. But today, I received an urgent missive from deeply invested party on behalf of the furry ones among us.

The subject line read: Well, I would like to humbly proclaim that both of these time-lasting problems could be solved with one easy solution.

Tell me more, O Humble One. I am shamefully ignorant of the time-lasting problems of which you speak. Educate me.

I was wondering if many of you have noticed the same dirty trend going on?

In it, she tackles that great bugaboo in the world of animal ethology: whether the furry ones among us have emotions. As a bonus, such a convention would help scientists from different disciplines, such as ethology and psychology, share theories and speak a common language. Karl Grammer, director of the Ludwig-Boltzmann-Institute for Urban Ethology at the University of Vienna, Austria, said the researchers were

And that’s it. Cut off mid-sentence. The suspense is killing me! What have the researchers found out about? DO the furry ones have emotions? What, pray tell, is the one easy solution?

Most importantly: have you, my friends, noticed the same dirty trend? Only we can help solve the great bugaboo. We must answer the call to action and remain vigilant; the future of animal ethology may depend on it.

Thank you for your time.

Four-letter word

2006-12-04T15:27:00.000-05:00

It snowed this morning. For the love of Spam, I am not fucking ready for this shit. When I left my house at 6:45 a.m. there were fat, wet flakes mixed in with the rain. By the time I was halfway to work, it was all snow. I got to work twenty minutes late. That’s because I am incapable of leaving any earlier. What? Watching FOX Morning News from 6:05 until 6:20 with my bangs dried but the rest of my wet hair up in clips is part of my routine, okay?

(In case you’re wondering, and I hope you are, yes, I’ve asked myself plenty of times why I choose FOX as my morning news source. It is likely because I’m not interested in hearing any actual news at 6:00 a.m. “News” stories featuring mob bosses or flashers on the T are more my speed at that time of day, plus I think the traffic reporter, Doug Meehan, is cute. Alternate programming includes the Weather Channel, which makes me feel like I’m in a hotel, and BBC News, where the reporting of global atrocities is tempered by the soothing timbre of the anchor’s voice.)

Olivia update: she saw the pediatrician for her 4-month well-baby checkup on Friday and she continues to be a healthy, growing girl. She’s 16 pounds 6 oz, which is the 92nd percentile. We knew she was thriving but it’s amazing how she’s grown considering she’s been taking the same amount of formula since she was two months. I guess babies know what they need. We got the green light to try her on rice cereal, but the first attempt didn’t go well. She didn’t like the spoon or the new taste, most of it ended up on her bib, and she made faces and cried, so we didn’t force her. We’ll try again tonight and keep introducing it until it becomes more familiar and her curiosity gets the better of her. She’s exhibiting all the signs of being ready, like watching us when we eat, mouthing her hands and toys, etc. Yesterday I gave her a spoon to hold so she could get used to it, and she did put it in her mouth, so we’ll see. Fruits and yellow vegetables come next, so if she ever wants to know the joy that is pureed banana, she’ll get on board with the cereal.

Love Letter circa 1992

2006-11-30T20:26:00.000-05:00

9:39 P.M. 5-13

PARENTALLY CENSORED: In English it means only you + me should see this note!

Dear Melissa,

I hate writing through mail but since we aren't talking tonight (Wed 5-13) I felt like writing. I guess it's probably because I'm lonely and I miss you. By the time you get this it will seem outdated news, but the Red Sox are winning 2-0 in the fourth inning and I'm watching the Celts game now and they certainly aren't doing as well. (78-68 Cleveland is winning in the 3rd quarter as of 9:40 p.m.).

O.K. - I'm turning off Pearl Jam (something I'd never do) to put in some music to inspire me, Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge. God Melissa, lonely as I am, together we cry... how true. Take me to the place (or person) I love, take me all the way... take me all the way... take me all the way...

I can't stop writing those true words. I also can't stop thinking about you in your "Mysterious Ways" (U2). What can I say... "I Adore Mi Amore" (CMB) in other words - I adore, my love... in my words. I'd do anything for you and I'd listen to you about anything and take me all the way...

What I'm trying to say is that I love you so much and I want to share it with you in a time that would bring the gods to there (sp?) knees. That's how I feel.

Love,
[Horny fifteen year old boy]

P.S. Dee had 12 points tonight. Well, the Celts lost 114-98.
P.P.S. Ren + Stimpy kick!
P.P.P.S. Here are some supplies of Topps Stadium Club cards and a Mike Pagliarulo rookie, Dee Brown, and a Scott Cooper rookie.
P.P.P.P.S. Through all this mess, I just want to say, I love you... simply.

I've been trying to decide which part is funniest: is it his obsessive recording of the date, time, and sports scores? Is it that we were so familiar with Color Me Badd that he could safely refer to them as CMB? Is it that he was trying to woo me with baseball cards? Is it his thoughtful and informed opinion of Ren and Stimpy?

After careful consideration, I have to go with his diaphanous reference to sex, which involves both crippling deities and spellcheck. How about you; what do you think?

Shamelessly Pilfered (and for some reason I put an unreasonable amount of time and thought into my selections)

2006-11-30T09:07:00.000-05:00

5 Songs From High School
Lounge Act – Nirvana
Kiss Off – Violent Femmes
Jennifer’s Body – Hole
Driver 8 – REM
Monkey Gone to Heaven – Pixies

5 More Songs From High School
I See - Letters to Cleo
Prove Yourself – Radiohead
Underdogs of Nipomo – Archers of Loaf
Rearviewmirror – Pearl Jam
Only in Dreams – Weezer

5 Songs From College
Dancing Nancies – Dave Matthews Band
Pillars of Davidson – Live
Ready or Not – The Fugees
Circle – Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians
Get it Together – Beastie Boys

5 More Songs From College
Mona Lisa – Guster
Doin It – LL Cool J
Tired of Sex – Weezer
Goldfinger – Ash (holy shit I loved this song)
Hurricane – Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

5 Songs From My Childhood
Leader of the Band – Dan Fogelberg
I Love a Rainy Night – Eddie Rabbit
Mandy – Barry Manilow
Valeri – the Monkees
Sara – Starship

5 More Songs From My Childhood
Please Don’t Go Girl – New Kids on the Block
Summer of ‘69 – Bryan Adams
Regret – New Order
Never Surrender – Corey Hart
La Isla Bonita – Madonna

5 Songs That Old Boyfriends Have Put on Mix Tapes For Me
Under the Bridge – Red Hot Chili Peppers
American Jesus – Bad Religion
Temptation Waits – Garbage
The Brews – NOFX
I Only Wanna Be With You – Hootie & the Blowfish (ugh, I know! This guy didn’t get me at all. One side of the tape was all pussy rock like Collective Soul and the Spin Doctors, and the other side was oldies. Who sends a tape of fucking Happy Days oldies to an eighteen year old girl? I cringed with embarrassment for him when I attempted to listen to it. Moreover, the tape was accompanied by a multi-page manifesto on the significance and meaning behind each song. But he was hot, and the only person I’ve had handcuff sex with, which is another survey entirely.)

5 Songs That Every Annoying Girl I've Ever Known Has Loved
American Pie – Don McLean
These Are the Days – Natalie Merchant
If I Had a Million Dollars – Barenaked Ladies
Yellow – Coldplay
As Long as You Love Me – Backstreet Boys

Songs That If I Found Out You Knew By Heart I'd Immediately Be Best Friends With You
Magic – America
Downeaster Alexa – Billy Joel
The Dirty Glass – Dropkick Murphys (And if you’re a guy who’d want to do a karaoke duet with me I’d buy your beers all night)
The World Will Know – Newsies soundtrack
Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice

5 Songs That I'd Slow Dance To With a Stranger, With My Head On His Shoulder and Eyes Closed, Rather Than Not Slow Dance To It At All
Lady in Red – Chris Deburgh
Alison – Elvis Costello
I Wanna Know What Love Is – Foreigner
Don’t Dream It’s Over – Crowded House
Heaven – Bryan Adams

5 Songs That Amuse Me
Elvis & Me – Denis Leary
Believe in Love – Scorpions (I love the clumsy ESL lyrics: “Baby our love’s got what it takes / To give us one more chance to start once again.” Hello, Department of Redundancy Department.)
The Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
Tribute – Tenacious D
Into the Night – Benny Mardones (This song is just gross. Even Kip Winger had enough restraint to leave sixteen year olds alone.)

5 Songs That I Fucking Love, I Don't Care What Anyone Says
Good Vibrations – Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch
A Man I’ll Never Be – Boston
Waiting for Tonight – Jennifer Lopez
With a Girl Like You – Joey McIntyre
Can’t Fight this Feeling – REO Speedwagon

Five Things About This Morning

2006-11-21T08:25:00.000-05:00

1. Something was weird about my shampoo. Normally it’s pearlescent white, but this morning it seemed to have separated into layers of white and clear. Can cold do that? Oh well, my hair didn’t fall out or anything.

2. I had considerable trouble deciding what to wear, because everything I looked at, I kept thinking, “No, I might want to wear that on Thanksgiving.” What? Why? My family doesn’t care what I wear. I watch too much Stacy and Clinton.

3. On the highway, I passed a van with “Triple AAA Heating” stenciled on it. Nine A? Okay, why not.

4. I played personal DJ and listened to the following:
“True Faith” by New Order
“You Are What You Love” by the Watson Twins with Jenny Lewis
“All the Pretty Faces” by the Killers – this is from the Sam’s Town bonus disc and so deliciously heavy and pounding, I love it.
“Bastards on Parade” by the Dropkick Murphys – I don’t have a drop of Irish blood in me, but this song’s solo makes me want to get drunk on Beamish and dry gulch someone.

5. I was the first one in my department to arrive, so I played with my gold slinky. I set it up to walk down my monitor stand to my laptop to my keyboard to my chair. It got stuck on the keyboard.

We don't need your whiny ass

2006-11-15T10:40:00.000-05:00

Ever heard the song "Boston" by Augustana? Lyrics go:

She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
I think I'll go to Boston.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of Sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah

Thanks, but no. We get enough non-natives who come here for college, spend four years clogging Allston-Brighton with their out-of-state bestickered Volkswagens/boxy old Volvos/ancient rusting Saabs/Daddy's cast-off late-model Acuras and almost getting killed by a T trolley while crossing Comm. Ave, and then decide they want to stay after graduation.

Thank Christ September 1 is ten months away.

House Survey (it's truly amazing how much my threshold for tedium increases between 7:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.)

2006-11-15T10:08:00.000-05:00

The Living Room

How many pieces of furniture are in your living room?
Fifteen: couch, loveseat, coffee table, end tables (2), entertainment center, dining room table, dining chairs (6), china cabinet, and buffet.

Do you have a fireplace/woodstove?
Neither. There’s a woodstove in the downstairs family room.

How many lamps do you have?
Three.

Do you have a TV? What kind?
It’s a JVC.

Do you have an entertainment center or just a stand?
Entertainment center.

What kind of flooring do you have?
Berber carpeting.

Are there any area rugs?
No.

Do you have artwork on the walls?
Mostly prints, plus a wrought iron candle holder that looks like a tree.

Do you have a lot photos displayed?
Like five? Not too many.

What is/are your favorite thing(s) in your living room?
The tchotchkes I’ve gathered from my family’s and my travels… a Russian matrushka doll, a Venetian glass vase, a Spanish mosaic platter, a piece of Australian aboriginal pottery, and a South American wood bowl painted with pigmented resin.

The Kitchen

How many countertop appliances do you have?
Actually on the counter: microwave, toaster oven, KitchenAid mixer
Buried deep in the cabinets: blender, mini Cuisinart, Gizmo can opener

Do you have a dishwasher?
Yes, but we want a new one; ours is old and too small.

Do you have a lot of cupboards?
Twelve above, seven below, plus eight drawers.

Do you have a lot of counter space?
Enough to work with.

Is there a countertop bar?
Yes.

Do you have a phone in your kitchen?
Yes.

What kind of cookware do you have?
It’s called Cook’s Essentials. My mom bought it for us from QVC. Despite that, it’s held up well. We don’t do enough cooking to warrant All-Clad or Calphalon.

Do you have an "eat in" kitchen?
Yes. We have a table and chairs, but we never eat there.

What kind of flooring do you have?
Beige tile.

Do you keep pictures on your refrigerator?
Only a couple, both of Olivia… ironically, we have too many magnets to be able to hang very many things (Red, is that proper use of irony? Incongruity between what you’d expect and what actually is?)

What is your favorite thing in the kitchen?
The lazy-Susan cabinet.

The Bedroom

How many bedrooms are in your house?
Four.

How many beds are in your bedrooms?
One in the master, one in the guest room, and Olivia’s crib.

What size is the bed you sleep on?
Queen.

What kind of comforter/bedspread do you have?
Right now it’s this but we have this in waiting, once we get around to stripping the wallpaper border and painting the walls.

What kind of flooring is in there?
Hardwood, carpet in the guest room.

What kind of closet do you have?
Joe, Olivia and I each have a double closet with folding louvered doors.

What other furniture is there besides a bed?
Two bureaus, one nightstand and one TV stand.

Do you have a head board / foot board?
Yes… it’s a sleigh bed.

Is there a phone in your bedroom?
Yes.

What is your favorite thing in your bedroom?
The bed!

The Bathroom

How many bathrooms are in your house?
Two.

What kind of toilet paper is there?
Scott, one-ply because we have septic.

What color is your bathroom?
The walls are beige, the floor is beige and green tile, the fixtures and crown molding are white, and the vanity is white beadboard with a beige Corian top.

Do you have a bathtub?
Yes, and it’s a Jacuzzi!

Do you use a bath poof or a washcloth?
Poof all the way.

What kind of hand soap is at the sink?
It’s Bath & Body Works Exotic Coconut.

Do you have any "hair tools" in your bathroom?
A dryer and a flatiron.

Are there any magazines for entertainment while you do "your business"?
No.

Do you have doors or a shower curtain? What kind of shower curtain?
Shower curtain. It’s cream and made of crinkly sheer fabric, with two big horizontal panels of lace.

Is there a phone in your bathroom?
No, but there is a jack. Maybe we’ll put one in as a conversation piece, and then call our guests while they’re in there.

What is your favorite thing in your bathroom?
It would probably be the Jacuzzi tub, but I’ve never used it. So I’ll say the double vanity… his and hers sinks and tons of storage.

Misc.

Do you have a garage? If so, what's in there?
Yes. The lawnmower, old paint cans, my bike, some boxes, my grandmother’s tea cart (which I must rescue), the ceiling fan we keep intending to have installed, the recycling, the garbage bins, snow shovels, rakes, a bag of fertilizer and some random house parts like gutters, screens, etc.

Do you have a yard? If so, do you have any flowers/landscaping?
Yes, both front and back. There are landscaped flower beds all over, which I fear we will not maintain as well as the previous owner [’s lawn service] did.

Do you have a fence?
Yes… the backyard is completely fenced.

Do you have a patio or deck?
A deck.

How many people live in your house?
Three.

How many pets live in your house?
None.

How many cars live at your house?
Two.

Do you have a dining room? If so, what kind of table do you have?
Not separately. We have a rectangular cherry table.

Where is your computer located in your house?
In the living room, under the end table between the couches, so we can grab it easily.

What is your favorite thing about your house?
Probably the pine ceiling and skylights in the living room/kitchen.

Weekend escape

2006-11-13T12:16:00.000-05:00

Joe and I went up to Meredith, NH this weekend for our belated anniversary celebration. It was our first night away since Olivia was born and it was so hard to leave her. We stood in my parents’ kitchen Saturday morning stalling and hesitating and kissing her over and over until they finally kicked us out.

We visit the Lake Winnipesaukee area just about every year. It’s an easy day trip, best taken on a whim. I’ve been going since I was a kid, as it’s also a leisurely drive from the cottage in Maine where we used to spend our summers.

The towns of Laconia and Meredith are like Goofus and Gallant. Laconia is honky-tonk, teeming with motels that boast COLOR TV and a boardwalk lined with sagging Victorians, arcades, and tattoo parlors. Laconia plays host to the annual Motorcycle Week. Meredith is more refined, with tasteful inns and artsy shops. We stayed at Church Landing, the newest of the Inns at Mill Falls. There used to be a Roman Catholic church there, to which I was dragged for Mass many times as a kid, but developers paid the archdiocese a boatload of money for the prime lakefront property. The Church probably had some molestation suits it needed to settle anyway, so it was a win-win situation!

Church Landing was beautiful. I highly recommend it for a romantic weekend getaway. First of all, it was 60 degrees on Saturday, unheard of in November. Yay, El Nino winter! Our package included a couples’ massage and an herbal soak at the spa. The massage was great – perfect pressure, relaxing to the point of otherworldliness, turned my muscles to liquid. And our room was cozy, rustic and gorgeous:

Dinner was at the most charming restaurant I’ve ever been to, a tiny, thirteen-table place made to look like an Adirondack-style summer camp. It was called—surprise!—Camp. We had a choice of eight restaurants and ended up being so grateful that our first choice was booked up. We loved, loved, loved Camp. Check it out – so cute!

Our table had dozens of names carved into it, which we spent the meal reading (personal favorites: Capt. Larry Tanner and The Murphinator). And the food was amazing. Not what you’d expect at all. I had a pomegranate martini, a homemade crab cake with spicy chipotle sauce, a haddock fillet topped with crab, artichoke and fontina cheese and served with summer veggies and salsa cheddar mashed potatoes. And a s’more for dessert, but not a typical s’more… a s’more on steroids. This dessert was no joke: graham crackers, chunks of Hershey bar, vanilla ice cream and hot fudge, with four toasted marshmallows on skewers. Unbelievable.

In the morning we woke up to the cool, gray, still lake.

Sunday brunch was at the Lakehouse and totally decadent. Any brunch that includes a raw bar and a chocolate dipping fountain is all right by me.

On our way home we saw Borat. It was quirky, off the wall, and worth seeing. We killed some time before the movie at Bon Ton, where we picked up a couple of gifts for Olivia, including a little Santa to hang from her activity bar and this thing called a Winkle, which she’s playing with here:

She likes it, that’s all that matters. And her little sleeper? That’s a Red Sox sleeper, which I snuck into her bag, to Joe’s chagrin. I feel justified, however, seeing as the Patriots lost to the Jets yesterday.

When we got home, we did laundry and I took a nap with Olivia. Look at her – so beautiful.

We had some family news this weekend, both good and bad. The good: my cousin gave birth to her second son, Benjamin. We went to visit her in the hospital Friday night and he was a tiny, fragile, beautiful creature. I hope he and his big brother go easy on Olivia as they grow up. The bad: my mom’s sister was diagnosed with Stage 3 bladder cancer. It hasn’t metastasized, and they’re going to battle it with a specific type of chemotherapy which is delivered right to the source via catheterization, and we’re all hopeful, but it’s still shocking and sad. Circle of life, I guess, you know?

74 things I love

2006-11-06T14:31:00.000-05:00

1. The flipping sound of the arrival/departure board in a train station
2. Black cashmere turtleneck sweaters
3. The act of transferring to a new bag or wallet
4. Faded old advertisements on the sides of brick buildings
5. Postcards, sending and receiving
6. Daffodils poking their heads out of the snow
7. Getting up early to embark on a road trip
8. The supercharged feeling in the air before a thunderstorm
9. Being flooded with memories when I smell a perfume I used to wear
10. The way a hazelnut coffee immediately makes work 43% more palatable
11. Olivia’s big smile when our faces appear over her crib
12. Wandering around the Village
13. BBC World News
14. Lists: groceries, errands, what to pack for vacation
15. When a good movie is randomly on TV, even if I own the DVD
16. Playing loud music while I clean the house
17. Blueberry muffins spread with butter
18. Rearranging my closet for the season
19. Pearl River Mart
20. Henry Rollins’ spoken word
21. Getting my passport stamped
22. Relaxing on the couch while Olivia sleeps on my chest
23. The sound of shoes clicking on a hardwood floor
24. Shapely three-quarter length wool coats
25. Browsing in HomeGoods
26. Feeling tired and satisfied after a day of hard work
27. Opening the moonroof and blasting “More Than a Feeling” on the first reasonable spring day
28. Finely mashed tuna fish with a bit of mayo, chopped dill pickle, coarse ground black pepper, and a splash of lemon juice
29. Fresh sheets
30. People-watching in a busy hotel lobby
31. Successfully hailing a cab
32. Long fancy dinners that include aperitif, appetizer, entree, dessert, and digestif
33. Swimming in lakes
34. Having my engagement ring cleaned and polished by a jeweler
35. The way the blueberries bob in a pint of Wachusett
36. Science programs about the universe
37. The jovial atmosphere at work the day before a holiday break
38. Al fresco dining
39. Lilacs
40. The same-but-different feeling of being in Canada
41. Reef flip-flops
42. Finding our seats at Fenway and realizing we have better tickets than we thought
43. Driving by a church and seeing a wedding party outside
44. Lighting up the Christmas tree when I come home
45. Mentally absorbing a place I may never visit again
46. Thick, chewy brownies just slightly underdone in the middle
47. Editing PowerPoint presentations until they’re absolutely perfect
48. Blowing up and framing my own photographs
49. Watching someone open a gift I know they’re going to like
50. The idea of a winter wedding
51. Kids’ feety pajamas
52. The vigorous scalp massage during a salon shampoo
53. Staying in and watching overdramatic news coverage during a snowstorm
54. Scarves
55. Dirty martinis with extra olives
56. Reading trashy celebrity rags in the waiting room
57. Bike riding
58. When I actually stop biting my nails long enough to get a manicure
59. The idea of having Samantha Brown’s job
60. Going grocery shopping at 10:00 p.m. on a Friday night
61. Helping a caterpillar off the concrete and into the grass
62. Tom Brady’s ass
63. Discussions about politics, civics and moral issues
64. Taking the train instead of flying
65. Outdoor summer concerts
66. Shower gels that smell like yummy foodstuffs
67. Playing Tetris
68. The seat warmers in my car
69. Creamy tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches
70. Greatest hits collections
71. Running a category in Jeopardy!
72. Giving Olivia a bath
73. Big purses that can hold everything
74. Condé Nast Traveller magazine

And a few things I could do without:
1. Hearing people cough
2. When the hotel shower curtain billows inward and sticks to my skin
3. Small talk
4. Soap operas
5. When my jeans come out of the dryer still damp
6. Burnt Dunkin’ Donuts coffee
7. The majority of classic literature
8. At the gas pump, overshooting a whole dollar amount by $.01
9. Ford Escorts

Survey-larity

2006-11-01T15:35:00.000-05:00

What brand of shirt are you wearing?
INC, a Macy’s brand.

Would you kiss any of your friends?
Yes, and have… with permission, of course.

How many kids do you want to have?
Two. As someone once pointed out, nobody ever wins a free trip for five.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Yes. And I see them practically every day now, which is a major change from our former maybe-once-a-month pattern.

What did you do for your last birthday?
I went to the OB/GYN and heard Olivia’s heartbeat for the first time.

What time did you wake up today?
5:15 a.m.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Being roused from a light sleep by Olivia fussing in her crib.

Name something you can’t wait to do?
I can’t wait to kick carbs again and hit that zone where all cravings disappear.

Last time you fell asleep next to someone?
Last night.

What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?
I’d like more time and money to travel.

What was the last thing you ate?
A salad: cucumber, cherry tomatoes, hard-boiled eggs, chicken, green olives and sunflower seeds over iceberg lettuce. Our cafeteria has a horrible dressing selection and I’m tempted to bring in my own Ken’s Italian with Aged Romano.

What's your favorite month?
It’s a toss-up between July and October.

Least favorite month?
March, hands down. I go insane in March because of this: we’ll have a sunny day in the 50s and then a blizzard that night. The snow will start to melt the next day and the roads will get that death glare and I’ll have to put on my windshield wipers 800 times and then I’ll run out of wiper fluid and the dirty streaks will dry and completely obscure my vision. I’ll swing by the carwash because my vehicle is crusted over like a salt cod and it’ll be beautiful the next morning but then, during work, a front will come through that dumps freezing rain with six inches of snow on top and it will take 45 minutes standing in the parking lot in the dark to chisel off the ice. And then the next day it’ll be 60. March is nothing but a cocktease.

What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone?
Hmm. I wore Joe’s Dropkick Murphys sweatshirt once when I was cold, but that was a while ago.

Who's getting on your nerves right now?
Nobody. Why hate?

Would you help your best friend in a fight if he/she was losing?
Definitely. That’s something I hope I never have to do, not for altruistic reasons but because I’d like to think my friends could kick anyone’s ass.

Coke or Pepsi?
Regular Coke, but Diet Pepsi

How often do you see your crush?
Please, you should see the people I’m surrounded by every day. Enough middle-aged paunches and wrinkle-free Dockers to sink a ship.

Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week?
Joe, Olivia, mom, dad.

Three reasons we didn’t get any trick-or-treaters, or else the neighborhood just hates us

2006-11-01T11:07:00.000-05:00

1. The paving contractor finished our driveway yesterday and put up a tape barrier; ergo, nobody dared walk on it.

2. Our front light blew out the other day and we haven’t replaced it because we don't have a ladder.

3. Our doorbell doesn’t work.

Not the most welcoming house on the block. Now we’re stuck with 3 bags’ worth of Kit-Kat, Mike & Ike and Tootsie Rolls, and we didn’t get to show off our little pumpkin to anyone except Joe’s friend Brian and his girl, who came over briefly to borrow the 24 Season 4 DVDs. Cute though, yes?

The world needs more goody bags

2006-10-30T16:14:00.000-05:00

Maybe it’s the time change (or perhaps unchecked consumption of carbohydrates, let’s be honest) but I’m lazy today. How lazy? Tried to eat yogurt with a fork lazy. That went about as well as you can imagine—another sweater for the dry cleaning pile. It should come as no surprise that, in my slackened state, I’m resorting to the weekend recap.

Friday
What I should have done: get up, feed Olivia, take her for a walk in the park, come home, shower, have lunch, and do errands (grocery store, CVS, find a black lace shirt for Red and Steve’s Halloween soiree, reward with Starbucks).

What I did: got up early and showered before Olivia even woke up. After her bottle it was too early to go anywhere, so I trolled through our DVR recordings and watched Intervention and Discovery Atlas: Australia. I gave Olivia a bath, got her dressed and fed her again. We left the house at noon. Instead of doing errands as planned, I just… drove around… aimlessly. I started out on Route 38 in Woburn and went north through Wilmington, Tewksbury, Dracut, and Lowell. That took about an hour. I kept thinking I’d stop at a grocery store along the way, but all I passed were Market Baskets. I hate Market Basket. By the time I hit Lowell I was incredibly annoyed at myself and wanting to find a highway, but instead I managed to loop through Methuen, back through Dracut and Lowell, and into Chelmsford, where I ended up on Route 3 and had to go all the way to Burlington to pick up 95. It was the biggest waste of time and gas and I have no idea why I did it. I ended up going home, feeding Olivia, feeding myself, and then getting back in the car. While I trolled the stores for a black lace shirt, my poor daughter urped Similac all over herself. Then, in both CVS and Shaw’s, middle-aged women called her an adorable little boy (apparently baby girls have to be wearing rosebud pink at all times, or else they are automatically assigned a penis). I never did make it to Starbucks. Wouldn’t have enjoyed it anyway.

Saturday
We woke up early again. It was a monsoon out all day. I did a little kitchen experimentation because I saw something on 30 Minute Meals that I wanted to bring to Red's: candy sushi rolls made with fruit roll-ups, Rice Krispies treats and Twizzlers. Good thing I didn't tell her, because it was a dismal failure. I did everything the directions said, right down to heating the knife blade in boiling water, but it didn’t work. Even with a Ginsu knife, I am convinced you could not slice through all that high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated oil and expect it to keep shape. All the knife did was pinch a fruit roll-up seal and squish the marshmallowy Rice Krispies out the ends. There are things I would definitely do differently next time, if there is a next time, and there probably will be, because I hate the idea that I could be foiled by a Rachael Ray recipe.

Later on we got ourselves ready for the party. I went as a dark angel: aforementioned black lace shirt, black pants, black boots, black devil horns, black pitchfork wand, burgundy feather boa and black and burgundy wings. Joe was Father Time: black robe, white beard, top hat, pimp cane, and clock around his neck. We both had a great time. There were some new faces mixed with the familiar, everyone was fun and friendly to talk to, and there was Wachusett blueberry in the fridge. The haunted house was hilarious, and probably scary, although I was tipsy when I went through so I can't trust my recollection.

Sunday
Olivia did well with the time change. So much for our extra hour of sleep, though. We got home from the party at 1:00 a.m. and she was up by 6:30 a.m. But we were able to stretch her feedings throughout the day so that the schedule we’ve all been enjoying was minimally disrupted. Joe and I needed naps yesterday to catch up ourselves. I napped during football and he napped in the evening. It was a relaxing non-day. Pajamas, football, Harrow’s chicken pie (Never had one? They’re delicious—the very essence of comfort food. Go out right now and get one. Route 28 in Reading. I’ll wait here.) Joe massacred opponents on PSP while I watched:

• True Life: I’m a Staten Island Girl
• Nova (scientists believe that the Earth’s magnetic field is preparing to reverse itself. The unstable field may weaken up to 90% and double our exposure to solar radiation. Compasses will go crazy for a while before eventually pointing south, and humans will be more vulnerable to cancer, but there will be amazing displays of aurora borealis.)
• Celebrity Paranormal Project, which I need to stop watching. What is wrong with me? It’s the last thing I need to see right before I go to bed. I had to watch an episode of Sex and the City afterwards as an antidote.

Today
This morning the sun was already bright as hell when I left for work. I’m not ready for a chorus of “Good Day Sunshine” at 6:45 a.m. Predawn darkness better matches my mood as I wade into the Red Sea of taillights crawling south on 128. Did you know that you can see the Boston skyline in Burlington if you look left at just the right time? I look every day. Usually it’s a lovely offering of soft pinkish dawn silhouetting the city. This morning it was like witnessing a supernova while surrounded by a thousand mirrors.

Right-wing talk radio... like Kegels for your gag reflex

2006-10-26T13:40:00.000-04:00

This will be brief, because there are already way too many people giving their long-winded opinions on this topic, but the debate about gay marriage annoys the crap out of me. I'm sick of people arguing this down to the letter of the law, hinging it on a technicality, and ignoring the compassionate human element.

Equal rights for all human beings. Is that so hard to understand?

“But the purpose of marriage is for a man and a woman to produce children!”
No, it isn’t. That’s just what happens in the majority of cases. Marriage is the act of one adult human being binding him/herself to another adult human being. Not all marriages result in children, either by choice or by circumstance, and certainly not all children are born into wedlock. What about hermaphodites? Transgendered individuals? Who's considered a man or a woman in those cases?

“But if we change the law to include same sex couples, what’s to stop people from marrying their dogs, or multiple people, or the Berlin Wall?”
People do that now. There are always going to be a small number of couplings that fall outside the bell curve. This isn’t about deviants. This is about the pairing of a human and another human. Gay men and women who just want to go down to City Hall and obtain a marriage license the way straight men and women do all the time. Not inanimate objects, not members of another species. This really needs to be clarified?

“But kids raised by gay couples are being robbed of their right to have both a mom and a dad!”
That isn't a right. That’s like saying kids have a right to grow up with a sibling. Or both a brother and a sister. What kids do have, however, is the right to grow up in a loving and supportive home, regardless of the family makeup.

“But God hates gay people! The Bible forbids homosexuality!”
The Bible was written and intrepreted by humans. As was the Constitution and all of our laws. This isn't about God. We don't know that God even exists, and if God does exist, we can't presume to know God's intentions.

Hmm, that did kind of look like your car

2006-10-25T10:10:00.000-04:00

We had a classic moment last night. Carly, Red and I had plans to meet up for dinner. Red and I get out of work before Carly, so we decided to meet at 4:45 for a drink and wait for Carly to arrive at 5:30. I got to the restaurant a few minutes early and sat in my car listening to Jay Severin until he went to commercial.

Side note: I love Severin. He is shrewd, well-informed, provocative, honest, sometimes misogynistic, often obnoxious, but always informative. I love listening and learn a ton on my homeward commute. My criticism for Jay: free speech is a wonderful thing, but your disparaging comments about women only serve to diminish your credibility. Insinuating that we are poor drivers, talking about Asian women as fetishistic objects, making rude comments about Hillary Clinton’s ass... why would you demean yourself and the Best and Brightest by resorting to such weary cliché? It’s not funny. It’s disrespectful. Please stop doing it.

Another side note: Poor Hillary. Why do people think it’s OK to publicly comment on the looks of female political figures? John Spencer, Hillary’s opponent in the New York Senate race, has referred to her as ugly, remarked that he didn’t know why Bill married her, and said that she must have had “millions of dollars” worth of plastic surgery. He also suggested that she’s a lesbian. How inventive; she's outspoken, a Wellesley graduate, and a liberal - she must be a dyke. If that's the kind of stuff he says in earshot of the press, I'd love to hear him at home. There was also all that crap about Condoleezza Rice's dating life and the flak about her helmet hair. And I think it was Severin himself who suggested that Kerry Healey “show some leg” to help her win the Massachusetts gubernatorial race. Ugh.

Anyway, that's all tangential. Severin went to break and I went inside. I sat down in the foyer to wait. I had a bag of books with me because we were all going to lend each other new material. Fifteen minutes passed, then twenty. The maitre’d kept checking on me.

Him: “Are you waiting for takeout?”
Me: “No, for a friend.”

Him: “Still waiting?”
Me: “Yup.”
Him: “How late?”
Me: “Going on twenty-five minutes.”
Him: “That’s late.”

Him: “At least you have something to read.”
Me: “I might get through them all.”

I called Red: voice mail. Called Carly: voice mail. Called Joe: not much he could do from his office. Wondered if I had the wrong night. Flipped through one of my books. Sat. At 5:30, Carly came through the door. “I can’t believe you’re here first!” I said. I got up to hug her. The maitre’d watched our reunion with a smile.

“Nope. This isn’t even the late friend,” I told him.

“I’m the on time friend,” Carly clarified.

We decided to go to the tavern, have a beer and wait for Red, wondering what the hell happened to her and hoping she was okay. We sat at one of the tall tables and ordered.

Then, from the direction of the bar: “HEY! LOOK WHO IT IS! SUP GUYS!”

Loud guy in a sweatshirt. Bellowing. Drinking a pint glass of vodka. Holding our friend hostage.

Our friend, who was nursing a glass of white wine for an hour, wondering what the hell happened to ME. Yes. Twenty feet apart the whole time, and neither of us thought to get up and take a look-see.

We. Are. Awesome!

Dinner, though, was fantastic as usual. You want scintillating conversation? Witty banter? Riotous laughter? Sit with us. I could spend countless hours with my BFCs. Everybody should be lucky enough to have friends like these.

Cute beyond all cuteness

2006-10-24T15:45:00.000-04:00

Aww, look at that little face. Olivia is getting so good at holding her head up, although she treats tummy time as if it were torture. She whines, kicks her legs, sticks her bum in the air, and always flings one arm behind her. Eventually she puts her cheek down in defeat and cries.

Her eyes are beginning to change color, little strands of gold filigree appearing in the gray. We can’t tell yet which direction they’re heading. I found an eye color predictor that gave 50% odds of brown or hazel. Helpful, thanks.

She’s got a well-established routine these days. She takes six 4.5 oz bottles a day, at 7:30, 10:30, 1:30, 4:30, 7:30, and 11:00ish. Her napping habits vary; some days she takes several, other days none. She’s usually in good spirits in the morning and early afternoon, gets fussier between 6:00-8:00 p.m., falls asleep, and usually needs to be roused for her last bottle. After the last feeding she goes into the swaddle and sleeps all night long. Most mornings she stays asleep until we are ready to leave for work.

At Olivia’s last well-baby checkup she was 12 lbs, 13 oz and 23 inches long: 95th percentile for both height and weight. She’s on a size cusp, starting to outgrow 0-3 but not really in 3-6 yet. Soon she will be in size 2 diapers. I remember when the N size was big on her tiny butt.

And she talks. Low-pitched coos from deep in her throat, high-pitched happy coos from the roof of her mouth, full-on laughs, experimental sounds that make her cough. It’s awesome. There’s nothing better than driving along and hearing “Oooo, ooooahhh, gooooo, ooooguh!” from the backseat. She’s growing beautifully. We are so lucky.

Our next child is sure to be a monster.

Baaa.

2006-10-23T15:48:00.001-04:00

Monday. My entire department is wearing pink. One of those inexplicable things that seems mildly funny in context but loses all humor when explained to an outsider, like right now when I explain it to you: a few weeks ago, our VP remarked that she loved cuddly pink sweaters. One of our senior team members thought it would be clever if we showed up to our all-hands meeting wearing pink. I wore my pink sweater, pink camisole, pink earrings and pink ring, because if you’re going to participate, you might as well do it right. We sat around the table, a bunch of grown men and women looking like we’d been spun through a cotton candy machine, and waited to see whether she would a) notice and b) get it. She didn’t.

Ha ha… ha?

Now I’m enjoying a mocha latte, gingerly. There’s something about the drink hole in a Starbucks lid that always causes one rogue drip. I have to protect my pink sweater. It’s brand new; I bought it specifically for the meeting because I want to be a team player. Haha, Jesus, that’s not true, but it is new.

I love me a midday coffee run… there’s nothing like busting out and clearing your head of work concerns for a while. Plus I like being out in the world in my work wardrobe. I’m borderline fetishistic about work clothes—tweed pants that break just so, crisp button-downs, knits in rich colors, clicky shoes—but they go to waste in the office, where you see the same people every day, none of whom care what you look like, and at the end of the day all you have to show for a nice outfit is lap creases from sitting at your desk all day. And outside of work I dress way down; with a three-month-old, a big night out is driving around for an hour and a half looking for a chain restaurant without a ridiculous wait and eventually opting for takeout from Kelly’s.

On Saturday Joe and I did a kickass job painting the front of our house where they did the garage door work. We had to get a new gallon of paint but it blended perfectly with the old, the trimwork was neat and complimented the door color, and we took care of business without procrastinating or complaining (much). Basically, you can make quick work of any annoying project when you blast the new Killers. We also had the paving guy out to do a second estimate on widening our driveway. The (semi-) bad news: because it’s so late in the season, the possiblity exists that they won’t be able to put down the top layer of asphalt this year. The good news: they’ll at least be able to do the widening and put down a layer of binder. Then they’d come back next spring and put the top layer. Works for us. All we want is to be able to put both cars in the garage this winter.

And big congratulations to Carly, auntie-to-be! There’s nothing more exciting than hearing about a new baby. And congratulations to her brother and sister-in-law, of course, who executed the miracle.

That’s about it… no great insight or lesson today. Or ever.

Late on the trend

2006-10-19T13:39:00.000-04:00

I forgot about these! I made one back in June when seemingly everyone was doing it but never got around to posting it. She was still saved, though, frozen in time – eight months’ pregnant, with longer, darker hair, wearing a tank top, gauchos and flip-flops and carrying a Burberry bag. I had to smile, because that was my weekend uniform in my last weeks of pregnancy. I did resemble that girl.

But I don’t anymore. Pregnancy already feels like a distant memory. I miss my belly. I liked the way it felt, round and solid and always close, and the way it looked. I liked when people commented on it, even if some of the comments were invasive or stupid. I liked watching it when the baby would start to kick. I always think “the baby” when I remember the belly. It’s hard to make an association between the Olivia I know now and the little being who used to perform acrobatics in my midsection then. Right after I gave birth I was secretly convinced I’d never do it again, but now I know I will. The excruciating hip pain I felt when rolling over in bed, the swelling in my feet and ankles, the wet spots that would spontaneously appear on my shirt, the intimate relationship I had with a squeeze bottle—also a distant memory. Well, maybe not so distant.

Anyway, this is the current me. There’s casual on-the-go me, trying to maneuver the infant carrier without spilling my mocha latte on my jacket. There’s work me, leveraging high-impact integrative solutions to achieve strategic business results. And there’s bumming around the house me, washing bottles and thinking about making some Dreamfields spaghetti with aioli and grated parmesan-romano-asiago cheese (YUM).

Foot!

2006-10-19T10:38:00.000-04:00

For the love of God, call a hotline!

2006-10-19T08:12:00.000-04:00

This is the play my friends and I wrote and performed in sixth grade. I’m pretty confident ABC After-School Special is going to want to option this the nanosecond I hit Publish Post.

THE SECRETS SAMANTHA KEPT

NARRATOR: The story begins on the first day back to school. Jennifer walks over to talk to her friend, Samantha.
JENNIFER: Sam, what happened to you?
SAMANTHA: Um, I had a, um, fight with, um, my… my… brother in the living room and, um, he punched me and, um, you know…
JENNIFER: Are you okay?
SAMANTHA: Why? Do I look guilty or something?
JENNIFER: No, why would you look guilty?
SAMANTHA: No reason at all.
NARRATOR: Even though she didn’t let on, Jennifer guessed what was going on. (Editor’s note: great, so this play should be over in about two seconds, right?) After school, Jennifer and Samantha waited for Corey and Kerianne, their friends.
COREY: Sam, what happened to you?
NARRATOR: Without thinking, Samantha replies…
SAMANTHA: I, um, sort of fell on the ground and, um, rolled down a hill and, um, hit my eye on a rock.
KERIANNE: Ooo, that must have hurt.
SAMANTHA: Yeah… I guess.
NARRATOR: At they walked Sam home, Jennifer said…
JENNIFER: Hey, you didn’t tell me you fell! You told me you got in a fight with your brother!
SAMANTHA: Well, that’s how I tripped. After he hit me I ran.
JENNIFER: I thought you were in the living room?
SAMANTHA: Well, um, I, um, ran out of the house and into the neighbors’ yard. Ya, that’s it. That’s what happened.
JENNIFER: (under her breath) Yeah, right.
NARRATOR: Samantha opened her front door, letting Jennifer in.
SAMANTHA: (to Corey and Kerianne) Bye, you guys! I’ll get some snacks, okay?
JENNIFER: Sure, okay… I’ll be in your room.
NARRATOR: Jennifer bounced up to Samantha’s room. While Sam got snacks, Jennifer heard a door slam, some angry voices and a few scuffles. Then she heard a scream. Samantha came into her room crying. She had a hand over her nose and it was streaked with blood.
JENNIFER: Well, maybe, I… I mean… well… Sam, are you okay?
SAMANTHA: Oh yeah. Never been better!
JENNIFER: You know, Sam, I think that there is something wrong… you can tell me, you know, I’ll understand… really!
SAMANTHA: Nothing is wrong! Maybe you shouldn’t butt into other people’s lives. And maybe you should just go home!
JENNIFER: Okay, if that’s the way you want it, fine! Consider me gone!
NARRATOR: She slammed Sam’s door. Sam burst into a fresh set of tears. --- It is now the next day at school. (Editor’s note: Ha! What a transition.)
MRS. JENKINS: Oh, my, my, Samantha. Are you okay?
SAMANTHA: Oh, I’m getting sick of this question!
MRS. JENKINS: Samantha, I’ve seen a lot of moods out of you these days. Why don’t you visit the counselor, okay?”
SAMANTHA: Now?
MRS. JENKINS: Yes, dear.
NARRATOR: Samantha wouldn’t talk to the counselor but she would answer questions.
MRS. RUSSELL: Samantha, I have a hunch that you have a problem with child abuse. Is that right?
SAMANTHA: (softly) Yes.
(Editor’s note: That was easy!)
NARRATOR: As you probably figured out, Samantha’s problem with child abuse has come to an end. Samantha, Jennifer, Corey, and Kerianne are joking around.
COREY: It must have taken a lot of courage to get through what you did.
SAMANTHA: Yeah, it was… it was… horrible!
EVERYBODY: Bye!
NARRATOR: Everyone goes their separate ways. The only scars Samantha has left are the ones in her heart.
THE END.
For more information on child abuse, call 617-523-6400, 9-5 weekdays.

In other words, make sure your abuser doesn’t come after you on weekends or after dinner. Because then you’re shit outta luck, my friend.

Old school

2006-10-18T10:04:00.000-04:00

When I liberated my writhingly awful pre-teen novel from the depths of the closet, a bonus goldmine of old crap was in the same crate. I’m talking geometry homework, saucy short stories hidden in the back of school notebooks, unsent fan letters, college papers, even my sixth grade yearbook. I spent all last evening going through the crate, putting aside things to read later and tearing up anything that could identify me as the author of such embarrassing, self-absorbed drivel (which was practically everything, and I deeply fear that when the garbage men come next week, the bag is going to split and the pages are going to scatter throughout the neighborhood and one of my neighbors will gather them up and he or she will just happen to be a world-famous blogger and… Christ, you can imagine).

Anyway, as I began reading through those hundreds of pages, it reminded me of just how lonely adolescence could be. On the surface I look back and my school years were a blur of crushes, inside jokes, and trips to the mall. But there were also countless nights up in my room, struggling to deal with urgent thoughts and feelings. Do you remember that: longing for a boyfriend, feeling angry and scared after a fight with a friend, being squeezed in the vice of a crush, feeling like you had no control over anything? Ugh. That’s why I wrote so prolifically: I could be whomever I wanted, surround myself with whomever I wanted, be adored by whomever I wanted. Everything I wanted to have happen, happened.

Fortunately, sixth grade was a relatively simple time, so my yearbook provided some comic relief. I howled at this Year in Review:

Sargent Camp: In September, we went up to Sargent Camp. We stayed there for the week of the 26th-30th. It was in New Hampshire. We went on a night walk, hike to Mount Skatutakee, the high ropes course, the low ropes course, an adventure hike, made bracelets, painted, wetland ecology, played soccer, and played volleyball. On Friday, we left and got back at 3:30 and our parents gave us a ride home.

The Christmas Party: We had a Christmas party right before Christmas vacation. Mrs. Oliver’s class had a singing contest, five girls danced to the “Locomotion,” two girls danced to “Rhythm is Gonna Get Ya,” and five girls did a play (Editor’s note: I was in this play! It was called The Secrets Samantha Kept and it was about a girl who was being physically abused. It really deserves an entry of its own.) Mr. Russell’s class exchanged presents.

Middle Eastern Fair: This year we had a Middle Eastern Fair. There were countries such as Egypt, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Turkey, Lebanon, United Arab Emirates, Jordan, Israel, and Kuwait. It was from 9:00-12:00 in the morning. Some people prepared foods, such as dates. Most of the foods were very strange and gross looking. Most people hated it or were very bored. Only a few people liked it.

Science Fair: On May 25th, we had a Science Fair. It started at 9:00-12:30. We had projects like The Solar System, Colors, UFOs and Aliens (Editor’s note: MINE!), Clouds, The Eye, Brain, Rabbits, The Earth, Volcanoes, Stars, Water Pollution, Prism, Heart, Fat Content in Foods, Trees, Tornadoes, The Sun, Chameleons and Anoles, Electricity, The Spectrum, Crystals, Circuits, Telephones, Mountains and Biomes. We sat there for 3.5 hours. Everybody was bored but other people liked it a lot.

Long Recess: Every Wednesday we have a long recess for an hour. It’s really good but not if you get into trouble. When you get into trouble you have a long detention, which is staying in for the whole hour and write 4 pages of words. Sometimes there are shows and programs so then we don’t get our long recess. We usually get it the day after.

I also found some old Anatomy and Physiology homework from junior year. I don’t know how they let that guy teach. He was sweet, old and easygoing, so easygoing, in fact, that there were many days when he didn’t even teach. He’d just hand out a worksheet and then snooze at his desk, counting down the days until he could collect his pension. And he didn’t even read our homework. I actually got an A on a worksheet entitled “Locate and List Action of the Following Muscles” with answers like:

Obisularis oculi: The bones and/or muscles which are located near the eyes and do something cool.
Massater: Sounds like the word for mouth – which I just forgot. Let you know when I remember, okay?
Pterygoideus: I know you’re starting to make these up! What the heck is that? I don’t have one.
Medalis: I remember this one – does it have to do with the head? Sounds right – okay.
Lateralis: Sounds like a leg thing. It’s that long bone on the top of your leg. The big one.
Platysma: That’s the stuff in blood, right? Or is it that animal that has feet like a duck but is furry?
Pectorals major: Pectorals are the chest muscles. Guys with pecs look FINE.
Deltoid: The deltoid is like Delta, the airline. That’s the airline I took when I went to Florida in 1985. That was a long time ago. I was seven when I went.
Biceps bracchi: Biceps are another set of muscles that are very nice-looking on a male.
Flexoi carpi: Flexoi? What’s a flexoi?

And there were 7 more on the back that I didn’t even do! I fear for future generations.

The blog equivalent of splitting one's pants

2006-10-17T15:20:00.000-04:00

I missed my calling, or perhaps it hasn’t come yet, but there is no way I was put on this earth to do what I currently do for a living. My “career,” if you can call it that, is a result of the snowball effect—BA, Useless + Skills, Marketable + Experience, Relevant gaining momentum and barreling down a 40-year-long slope towards Retirement, Preferably Early and Accomplishments, Hopefully Meaningful. I started out with idealistic intentions. My first job out of college was with the trade association of the book publishing industry in New York. I was going to break into publishing. Instead I broke into spewing creative bullshit, which was a natural lead-in to professional services marketing. My knowledge of the particular services I marketed led me to where I am today, on the side of the practitioner rather than the provider. Is that vague enough? Basically, I am on a strange diagonal path.

Some kids know from a young age that they want to be a veterinarian or a teacher or a human capital consultant (ha) when they grow up. Not me. When I was young, the only things I wanted to do were draw and write.* I was born with major artistic talent and I haven’t done a damn thing in my adult years to cultivate it. In childhood that’s all I did. I won drawing contests, became the cartoonist for my high school paper, illustrated a good portion of my yearbook, and wrote and illustrated a children’s book in college. I loved being in art class and experimenting with a new medium like sculpture, watercolors or airbrushing. But mostly I loved to sketch. I have a portfolio of my old sketches, a time capsule of 1991-1995. When I went to college I stopped keeping a sketchbook, which is a shame because I had abundant free time and incredible beauty just outside my door. I guess I had better things to do, like drinking Mad Dog 20/20 and fingering people on Unix.**

I also wrote a novel when I was twelve. I found it in the closet of my old room the other day. It takes up 6 single-subject notebooks and it’s about a teenage female pop quintet and their zany and romantic adventures on tour with the New Kids on the Block. The title is Starstruck. The main character’s name is Tiffany Mancuso, which I thought was the most glamorous name in the universe, next to Samantha Micelli. The group’s name is—wait for it—the Inner City Kids.*** The story itself is horrible; you don’t even need to wonder. It’s so, so bad. SO bad, in fact, that I need to immortalize it here. That way we can all cringe together.

* So why did I not become an editor, illustrator or graphic designer? Fuck if I know.
** Heh.
*** Even though the girls came from a white-bread suburb and practiced in a state-of-the-art recording studio in Tiffany’s house. She didn’t even have to ask her parents whether it was okay to quit school and go on tour.

Disjointed thoughts on music

2006-10-16T14:01:00.000-04:00

I used to think of myself as a music fan. I liked finding it, buying it, listening to it. But being with Joe has shown me that I’m not a fan at all, and that I actually find most music abhorrent. Joe buys albums all the time. Every Tuesday he knows what’s going to be released and he gets it and loads it onto his iPod the same night. He likes owning the actual CD, adding it to his physical collection. He gives every album a chance, listening to it several times all the way through, learning the lyrics, and waiting for songs to grow on him.

Me, I hate albums. I’ve always hated buying a CD only to discover it has eight bad songs and only two good ones. I don’t have patience for mediocre shit! But I love songs. Individual songs, liberated from their track order, are as perfect as origami swans. There are songs I want to wrap around myself like a blanket. The right song at the right time can knock you on your ass. What I want is a homing device that will scan every new album, find only the individual songs I’ll love, and put them onto my iPod shuffle so I can listen to a stream of totally unrelated, yet equally kickass, songs.

So I don’t listen to a lot of new music. It filters into my life via the radio, and Joe is very good at identifying songs that I’ll like—almost like the homing device, but his expertise pretty much only covers the alt-rock genre—but generally I dig backwards to find stuff to listen to. I’m listening to the Yardbirds or Letters to Cleo or Simon & Garfunkel when everyone else is listening to My Chemical Romance. Actually, is anyone listening to them? They suck.

I love covers. More bands should do them. The fact that covers exist give people a chance to actually enjoy Bob Dylan songs. Poor Bob: brilliantly talented songwriter, sings like he’s having an asthma attack. But when other artists care and nurture his creations, they come to life. Hendrix was meant to own “All Along the Watchtower.” I think there are a lot of songs that are meant to be adopted by other performers. I’ll often hear a song and go, “This is pretty good, but it would really kick ass if __________ did it.” Of course I can’t think of any right now. But a good cover definitely does it for me.

And I love greatest hits collections. Of course I do. Cut through all the bullshit and give me your ten or twenty best songs. I especially like them when it comes to an older band that already has a giant body of work and I have no idea where to begin. Like when I wanted to discover Led Zeppelin. I bought two albums (Led Zeppelin IV and Houses of the Holy), was completely disappointed, and could never appreciate them until Early Days and Latter Days came out. Yes, it does bug me that there are songs out there that I’d absolutely love that I’ll probably never hear because I won’t bother to go any deeper than an artist’s radio singles, but since that’s a case of not knowing what I’m missing, I can live with it.

A couple of things keep me from giving up on music altogether. The first is that individuals are still writing good songs. I wish they could find me instead of me finding them, but they’re out there. The second is that the past will continue to influence the future, and derivation doesn’t necessarily mean rip-off. Consider that in 1966, sixteen-year-old Michael Brown of the band The Left Banke wrote “Walk Away Renee.” The song inspired Tom Scholz of the band Boston to spend five years in the 1970s writing “More Than a Feeling.” Years later, Kurt Cobain used the guitar riff from "More Than a Feeling" as a basis for “Smells like Teen Spirit.” Isn’t that fucking awesome? It helps that I love all three of those songs, but it’s just so cool that such a sad, lovely ballad could provide the inspiration for a classic rock song, and that the classic rock song could inspire a punk-pop satire.

Because cars aren't Slinkys

2006-10-12T16:10:00.000-04:00

I’m happy today because contractors are at our house helping to solve an architectural mystery. Take a look at this picture. Look at our driveway. Could you get into that garage?

It’s insane. You’d have to make practically a right angle to get into the bay on the right. If you managed to get into the left bay, which is possible if you have side mirrors that fold, you would either back into the basketball hoop or fall into the drainage culvert trying to get out.

We have all asked the question of why the driveway was built this way when it would have been just as easy for the builders to put the doors on the side of the house. It’s not worth trying to come up with any kind of rationale. It’s also not worth dwelling on the thousands of dollars we are spending to remedy the situation; we could have passed on the house, after all. We’re just going to fix it and then we won’t have to deal with it again. We’re both glad that the work is going to get done before the winter. Just like central air, once you have a garage, you can’t go back. Plus, our neighbor has offered to plow us out for free, which is sweet. The placement of the new driveway will lend itself to easy plowing: all the snow will be pushed off the end and down the slope.

So, the solution is fairly easy: step one is to remove the center post between the two doors and install one large door. Step two is to widen the driveway all the way down and curve it into the yard so we can make a straighter approach.

We almost had an aesthetic catastrophe on our hands before work even began. I spoke to the contractor the first time he came out. He gave me a product sheet with the garage door color options on it. When he came the second time, Joe talked to him while I was in the shower. The day before he was due to rip out our doors, my dad happened to ask, “So what color did you decide to go with?” and neither of us had any idea. We each assumed the other had taken care of it. Then we checked the contract and it said standard white. With our house and trim colors, that would have looked like hot buttered ass. We had to call the contractor, confess our doltishness, wait while he checked with the distributor and push back the work by a week.

Tomorrow, however, the door will be installed. It will be 16 feet wide and a lovely shade called Almond. It will have a monster electric opener. I’ve never been so excited about a home improvement project before. I almost hope it snows the day after the driveway is finished. Almost. Jesus. Give us a few weeks before that fresh hell descends.

I believe the appropriate response here would be, "Quit yer bitchin'!"

2006-10-11T15:03:00.000-04:00

If you spend too much time thinking about it, the monotony of everyday things will kill you. How are we not all insane? Goddamn housework, think about it: you mow the lawn but the grass keeps growing. You empty the dishwasher but then you use a plate. You do the laundry but then you change clothes. You make the bed but then you sleep in it. You scrub the toilet but then you have to shit. You pay the bills but then the mail comes. You straighten the couch cushions but then you sit down. You take out the trash but then you use a Kleenex. You fill up your car but then you drive it. You dust the table but invisible flakes are still in the air. You wash the floor but then you walk on it. You put on new sheets but the very next night they’ve lost that crisp feeling.

And getting ready for work in the morning: performing the same ablutions over and over, day after day, in the same order. This morning I got ready with the overwhelming sense of, “Jesus, I just did this” and marveled at just how many tiny, ridiculous, exacting steps make up my routine, which goes like this:

The alarm sounds at 5:30 a.m. I kick Joe to turn it off because he is such a deep sleeper he doesn’t hear it. I get up and find my slippers in the dark while brushing my tangled hair. I shuffle to the bathroom, squinting in the sudden bright light, to take care of business, brush my teeth and floss. I run the shower, take off my pajamas and hang them on the door hook. In the shower, I let the water run soften yesterday’s mascara, which I have to pick out of my eyelashes to avoid smearing all over my face. I shampoo, wash face, condition, wash body, shave underarms and legs, rinse, and comb through my hair. I dry off, wrap the towel around my head and rub body butter on my arms and legs. I put my pj’s back on, moisturize my face and put my makeup on in the living room while watching the morning news. Then I go back into the bathroom to towel-rub and comb out my wet hair, then apply frizz serum, shine serum and curl gel. I scrunch the bottom of my hair and clip back both sides to keep it out of my face while it air dries. Then I straighten my bangs with a round brush and the blow dryer. I go back to the bedroom, stare at my closet and get half-dressed: trousers, stockings, slippers, bra and camisole. Then I check on Olivia, go to the kitchen to pack my snacks for the day, go back to the bathroom to finish drying my hair, finish dressing, put on jewelry, slather on hand cream, gather my bags and keys, kiss Olivia, kiss Joe, and finally walk out the door at 6:45 a.m.

Exhausting!

I’ve looked for ways to simplify certain steps. Sometimes I choose my clothes and pack my snacks the night before, but being late is not the problem. I don’t shave my legs every day, which I used to do. I don’t always bother with the body butter or hand cream. But the rest of it is just basic maintenance. My hair routine sounds a lot more involved than it actually is. After Olivia was born, I asked my stylist to make my life easier by giving me a cut that took advantage of the natural wave. I didn’t intend to use three products but they all do a different job and it only takes two seconds to mix one squirt of each in my hands and work it through. As for makeup, I only wear shadow liner, mascara and lip gloss. I don’t really want to pare down any more because I’ve been down that slippery slope before.

A while back I got really lazy. I was bored or not getting enough sleep or something, and my daily effort eroded to almost nothing. I hit snooze three or four times before I finally got up. I bypassed my nicer clothes in favor of more slouchy, comfortable ones. I skipped makeup altogether. At my nadir, I didn’t even bother showering every day. On the second day I’d just wash my face, put my hair up and avoid people. I looked and felt awful. The extra sleep wasn’t worth it.

I’m losing my own point. What is it again? That taking care of oneself is a pain in the ass, a necessary evil. It’s even harder with a baby. It takes forever for me to get us both ready, in fits and starts between cuddles and bottles, unless I neglect her and do it all in one shot. And the gym! I used to go! Regularly! I quit my membership back in June. I don’t know how or when to fit it back into my day.

Hmm… even the gym was a pain in the ass: produced more laundry, stole an hour from my evening, was one more bag to pack each night, etc.

OK, PLEASE SHUT UP NOW.

Always a sucker for a survey

2006-10-10T10:42:00.000-04:00

What is your current favorite song/album?
Today it's three songs: "Steady As She Goes" by the Raconteurs, “Jenny Was a Friend of Mine” by the Killers and “This Is Such a Pity” by Weezer. Tomorrow it will probably change. My go-to album since June has been Guster’s Ganging Up on the Sun.

What song do you currently hate?
No current songs even come close to the two songs I hate most in the universe: “Bandages” by Hot Hot Heat and “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” by the Darkness. In case you’re wondering, yes, “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt is third.

What's the next album you're going to buy?
Maybe a Paul Simon collection.

What's the best advice ever given to you?
Be a free agent. Don’t expect loyalty from your employer.

What are your nicknames?
Melis. Pimp Mommy Ho Dogg.

If you were born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name be?
I would have been Brian Michael.

In the situation above, what would you want your name to be?
Kevin Stoyanovich Rasputin Kubusheskie

If you had a choice, would you drop your last name?
No. I am clearly a fan of having multiple names.

What heritage does your last name imply?
Several depending on how you choose to mispronounce it. Though not the one it is.

What's your facial structure like?
Oh you know, oval-like, with eyes and a nose and shit. WHAT. THE. MOTHERFUCK. DO YOU THINK?

What do you think of redheads?
They’re all BFCs.

Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
No. I am not Gene Simmons.

Toy you always wanted but never got as a child?
Pow-Pow-Power Wheels. The Jeep.

Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?
Is this Death is Not an Option? Easy - Han Solo. What about:
Gary Shandling or Jeffrey Tambor?
Donald Rumsfeld or Tim McCarver?
Subway Jared or Dwight Schrute?

Top three celebrities you wanna do?
George Clooney. Dermot Mulroney. Then George again.

Who is popular that you hate?
Donna Martin. In real life Kelly Taylor never would have hung out with her.

What's the last movie you saw that scared you?
The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I could have handled learning that 3:00 a.m. is the demonic witching hour had Olivia not woken up at 3:00 a.m. every night for the next week.

You're sentenced to death and it's the morning of your lethal injection. What will your last meal be?
A pepperoni pie from Pizzeria Regina, Godiva chocolate cheesecake and a Diet Pepsi. It's funny, because in the last survey I listed my favorite foods as a really good burger, fries and flourless chocolate cake. You'd think I'd want that as my last meal. Maybe there's something about ground beef and potassium chloride that just doesn't mix.

What's something that most people do that you've never done?
Balance my checkbook.

Before you die, where do you want to go?
Everywhere, but definitely back to Italy.

What's something you'd really like to do but probably won't ever do?
Go skydiving.

If you had to marry someone at the age of 12, who would it be?
Joey McIntyre. He would’ve had to be a polygamist because there were a lot of us vying for his affection. Or, even better, I could have been a polygamist and married Fred Savage too.

What's something most people don't know about you?
I suck at small talk. I’d rather discuss the meaning of life than stumble through a light exchange.

What's a weapon to suit your personality, habits, and abilities?
That medieval spiked iron ball on a chain that you swing over your head.

What makes an awesome party?
All you need is dip.

What's your favorite TV show?
I never have one favorite. Six Feet Under. The Sopranos. The Office. What Not to Wear.

What's your favorite quote?
You might as well do something while you’re doing nothing.

What's your material obsession?
Clothes and handbags.

What's the next holiday that you'll celebrate?
Halloween.

What's something most people would consider an insult but you don't mind having said about/to you?
That I’m opinionated.

What's your favorite thing about where you live?
Having four distinct seasons and being able to spend each of them in an ideal setting: on the beach, in the woods, in the mountains, in the city.

What's your least favorite thing about where you live?
Winter. I try to like it but it always ends up being less hot cocoa in front of a fire and more chiseling ice off my windshield with a credit card.

You suddenly have to flee the country and adopt an alias. What is it?
Helena Vanderhoff.

Pick one state in the U.S. to get rid of permanently.
Ohio. Too many of its cities start with C. You’re not cute, Ohio.

Where are you right now?
Here.

What did you do last night?
I dropped a piece of fish on the floor. Gave Olivia a bath.

If you had to pick one of these three jobs, would you be a policeman, fireman, or serial killer?
A policewoman. But only if I could patrol the town I live in and fight REAL crimes, like shooing a gaggle of turkeys off someone’s deck. Shooing. No T.

Would you be a doctor, surgeon, or solider?
A doctor.

Would you be a banker, lawyer, or writer?
A writer.

Would you be a pilot, forensic scientist, or ninja?
A pilot.

Stupid email survey. It's raining, I'm bored, and the Jets are on.

2006-10-01T15:44:00.000-04:00

1. FIRST NAME
Melissa

2. SECOND NAME
Anne

3. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No one real. My parents got the name from a soap opera character.

4. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
The other day. I was reading an incredibly emotional blog written by a woman who lost her baby daughter the same day she was born and is now pregnant with a little boy.

5. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Usually not... I'm so used to typing that my hand misbehaves when I write and one thank-you note looks like three personalities wrote it.

6. WHAT IS YOU FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Turkey.

7. KIDS?
Yes, one.

8. WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Sure. But I'd be really annoyed that I never call myself back.

9. DO YOU HAVE AN ONLINE JOURNAL?
What the hell? The Jets are playing "Sweet Caroline"! With the "Bah-bah-bah!" and the "So good! So good! So good!" What is this crap? Who gave the Jets permission to steal this, and why would they want it? God, the Jets suck. Hahaha they're going to lose to Indy. Wait, I hate Peyton. This game is lose-lose for me.

10. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Ha - never.

11. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes.

12. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No, not anymore. Same for skydiving. Pre-Olivia I probably would have, but the opportunity never arose.

13. FAVORITE CEREAL?
Golden Grahams. But usually I eat Kashi.

14. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Most of my shoes don't tie. Probably just my sneakers, and no, I don't untie them. Still, when I go to put them on again, I always glance to see if they've been magically untied. They never are.

15. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Yes. Um, not that my life has been very difficult.

16. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Depends on the day. Right now Godiva chocolate with raspberry swirl sounds delish.

17. SHOE SIZE?
I was an 8.5 but now I'm a 9.

18. RED OR PINK?
Generally, pink.

19. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My laziness.

20. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Amanda. i really need to get in touch with her.

21. WHAT'S YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE
People snorting their post-nasal drip 469387 times when they have a cold.

22. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES YOU ARE WEARING?
Ripped jeans and brown knitted Steve Madden slides.

23. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Grape tomatoes and baby carrots from the crudites tray I forgot to serve last night.

24. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
TV commercials and Olivia whining to have her pacifier put back in.

25. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
I'd be the whole 64-color set with the sharpener on the back.

26. FAVORITE SMELL?
Freshly cut grass.

27. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My mother.

28. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO?
Eyes, then smile. They have to have a kind face.

29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK?
Saturday.

30. FAVORITE DRINK?
Mocha lattes, Diet Pepsi.

31. FAVORITE SPORT?
Baseball.

32. HAIR COLOR?
Dark brown with highlights.

33. EYE COLOR?
On the green side of hazel.

34. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yes.

35. FAVORITE FOOD?
A really good burger and fries.

36. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING?
I like neutral, ambiguous endings. I don't like being told how to feel.

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Pink and white striped.

38. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Flourless chocolate cake.

40. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?
That something awful will happen to someone I love.

41. IF YOU WERE AN ANIMAL, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?
I hate these stupid questions. Why do I actually spend time thinking about them and coming up with an answer?
I'd be an eagle.

42. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
I'm not. I'd like to, but it's not happening.

43. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I don't have one. I use an iBook.

43. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV?
Goodfellas and SNL with Dane Cook hosting.

44. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
Olivia's coos.

45. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles.

46. THE FURTHEST YOU BEEN FROM HOME?
Distance-wise, probably Sicily?

49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I'm good at burping whole sentences.

50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Two days after Christmas in Salem, Mass., across the street from the hill where they used to hang witches.

Bringing the funk

2006-10-01T09:16:00.000-04:00

Last night we got together with Red, Carly and Professor K to celebrate Red's birthday. She wanted a low-key evening with friends and it doesn't get much more low-key than the living room of boringly married friends and their 2-month-old. We drank wine, ordered a ton of Chinese appetizers and sang Happy Birthday over a chocolate cookies 'n' cream cake. As usual, Olivia stole the show by doing nothing more than lying in her Boppy and looking adorable. We clustered around her, staring and making remarks like, "Did she just fart? Aww."

Today Joe and I have to eat all the leftover cake because we're committing to Healthy Eating and Good Habits as of tomorrow. Are you laughing yet? We're serious, dammit. And we're going to pack our own lunches for work too, instead of buying all the time. Okay, now I'm laughing.

No, really, we're prepared to give it a serious go. Fruits and vegetables, nuts and lean meats, tons of water, cooking extra portions at dinner to have for lunch the next day, all of it. I was doing well until mid-pregnancy; now I have about 20 lbs to lose just to get back to where I started. Plus we watched You the Owners Manual which kept reiterating that a few basic adjustments yield fabulous results. Fortunately, I find it's much easier to maintain control at work, so now is a good time to recommit. I'm beyond trying to understand why eating well isn't self-reinforcing when the the benefits are so obvious and enjoyable. I'm just going to do it.

Now, the little one:

She's funny when we put her in this bouncy seat. She regards the blue and orange giraffes as if they were bookies coming after her to collect. She narrows her eyes as if to say, "Huh. These two goons again," takes a few swipes at them, turns her attention elsewhere, and then seems annoyed that they're still there.

I love the alarmed expression on her face and the way she's clinging to her daddy.

The blissful and gracious face of a baby with a full tummy. Also, check out those eyelashes.

The leaves are falling back east

2006-09-26T21:18:00.000-04:00

This year, autumn arrived like a good friend. Gently, methodically, the jewel tones and amulets of fall usurped the hazy hues and trinkets of summer; where there were watermelons, hydrangeas and coconut iced coffees there are now apples, hardy mums and gingerbread lattes. We've had a stretch of such exquisite weather—chilly mornings, sunny afternoons, crisp evenings—that the days have melted into one another. I've been spending time with my mom, my sister, and my daughter, running leisurely errands, relaxing at home, digging out my sweaters, pushing the stroller through the park.

But I've also, in small increments, like perusing herringbone trousers and suede heels or contemplating which photos to display on my desk, been preparing for my return to work. When Olivia was first born, twelve weeks felt light years away. Now it's next week. I'm sad that our freewheeling days together are nearly over, but September feels like back-to-school time no matter how old you are, so I'm resigned to accepting what must be done. A part of me is even looking forward to it. A very small part. Some of me thinks I would enjoy being a full-time mom. Most of me knows that is not possible and probably also not true, and is steeled for the transition.

Motivate this

2006-09-26T21:13:00.000-04:00

So what's up with naming your blog after a seventh grade math term?

2006-09-25T09:09:00.000-04:00

Back in April 1994, my junior year of high school, I was sixteen years old and a complete asshole, 'asshole' in this particular context meaning I was a smart-mouthed know-it-all with both an upper-middle-class entitlement complex and a finely tuned sense of grunge-era disenfranchisement and ennui.

My parents, who said they were doing it to give me cultural exposure but I'm sure were also eager to be rid of me for a week, sent me on a school-sponsored trip to Paris. Three of my friends also went (including Straight Girl Slumming It) and the whole trip is documented in my journal, which features a little bit about what we saw and did each day and a LOT of sarcasm and cutting down of everyone and everything we encountered, including people on the plane, the hotel, our chaperones, Parisians, Paris, and France in general. In our defense, however, how do you NOT make fun of your chaperone when he goes around in a T-shirt that says, "I KISS MY CAT ON THE MOUTH"?

The hotel we stayed in was located on the outskirts of the city, in Neuilly, which we purposely mispronounced 'Nully.' It was a decent place, but having never been to Europe and knowing nothing about the lodging standard differential, we thought it sucked. As I wrote:

The Null Hotel is whacked. The walls are all ceiling plaster, except for the fabric-covered curtain wall, and the ceiling is wall material. I'm surprised the floor isn't glass like a window. The beds move halfway across the room if you touch them and the window is a big huge trapdoor. The shower is like a shower o' knives. At night it's 22 o'clock. Breakfast is baby food, bread, hot chocolate with slugs in it, and rind in distilled, unhomogenized H2O.

And the hotel didn't seem to have a name or anyone staying there but us. There were no signs, no insignia on the stationery, and even the ashtray I stole from the room just says HOTEL - PARIS, NEUILLY. My journal continues,

There's nobody here. The stairs don't go anywhere, nobody eats in the restaurant, nothing. Is this unreasonable facsimile of a hotel really here?

So we started saying that Hotel Nully existed in the null set, and describing everything as null, and blaming anything strange that happened on Null Set Syndrome. And you know that jerky thing teenagers do, where they won't let anyone else in on their private jokes so that others feel confused and left out? We did that the whole time, snickering to ourselves and talking in null set code-speak.

Every night I would write about our day's adventures and then the others would gather round for the Dramatic Reading of the Latest Entry. Some of what I wrote still makes me laugh, and reminds me yet again what a damn ungrateful teenager I was:

"The lady at the Eiffel Tower gift shop told us to keep our paws off the stash. That was uncalled for. Then we had lunch. Mine and [Effie's] carbon cubes came with an abundance of herbal annoyance on top."

"Then we hit the Hard Rock Cafe, which was cool (editor's note: HA!), but the freaks shot it all down by being there."

"Lucky, lucky me lost my gate to eyesight. I'm an aveugle (editor's note: French for blind person). We went to Pere Lachaise cemetery and saw Jim Morrison's headstone. His head wasn't even on it. It was this blocklike granite geometrical figure and there was a guard. I, in all my shithead aveugle glory, took a picture of the wrong stone."

"We got our pictures drawn by some street artists. After sitting for like half of eternity, the finished products were brought out. Ta da... Tori Spelling x2 and Gidget! Sha, like I'm really going to pay a crazy old commie 250F for a picture of some crazy mismatched collection of features. Ditching the temperamental artists was not an easy task. I mean, dude, they turned into mutant flippoids from the planet ROWR!"

"Today we went to the Hotel des Invalides. [Spewey] was a walking invalide. She spewed. Then we came to find out that Spewey's mom, Spewball, is up to some no-good spewance. Hence the stench of room 3110."

"We went to Versailles today. In a nutshell, it sucked. The benches were the coolest part. Plus we got dust-crap on us."

"The weirdness never stops. {Effie] was cornered by a hair-braiding, Israeli, curly-haired, accent-having, tourist-soliciting, palm reading freak who told her she was the champion of the game of night. EWWW!"

"The Giverny gardens were cool. The flowers kicked ass and so did the river, except for the slop man in his slop boat slopping slop."

"So we go to the Metro, and I'm getting on the train, and there's this little rat-girl there - some gypsy urchin like that little demon-faced, Ancient Prophecies, freaky-staring girl. I could feel my pocketbook being fucked around with, and I looked down, and the little shit had unzippered my bag! Jesus! So I yelled, 'HEY!' and pushed her away and she gave me the Stone Cold Death Stare. Then she tried to escape through the doors, and the damn things skeeshed her in it! She stood there like a shithead, crushed in the doors, till someone yanked her out."

"Then we saw the Paris Opera house. It was all chairs and chandeliers and marble stairs that Phineas fell down."

"Then [Effie] and [Nat] go drinking. One beer each, but hey, they did. And they got busted. Egghead was tres pissed off; it was sadly amusing how silly she looked in her green and white striped pajamas looking for the two hooligans."

"I'm on the plane now and we're flying home. This is so sad, I can't believe we're leaving the null set. I feel null. I love the null set."

Then, in my aftermath to the Trip o' Nullance, I write:

Upon returning to school we all became Public Enemies 1 through 5. [Egghead] hates us, [Giggle Geek], I think, is still nursing the wounds sustained by his cat-kissing inner stepchild, and [Spewball, a.k.a. L'Homme de Moustache] thinks she can, like, talk to us. [Egghead] called [Effie] an alcoholic and beat her with a bag full o' Centrum Silver. [Giggle Geek] probably wishes I didn't sit directly in front of him in Latin (as do I, the way he steals my books and spits on my desk and all).

God, you THINK?

By way of reintroduction

2006-09-24T00:06:00.000-04:00

I like to tease Red about being a famous blogger. She has people who read the Tent religiously and join the comment party on every post and I love that. Since my sad and neglected blog (which I am certain is read only by those who know me in real life, and probably not even them anymore, since my updates are so sporadic and lame) occupies space on her sidebar and since she often gets questions about who the bit players in her posts are, I am giving it a facelift and a new identity, pledging to update more frequently, and offering this mini photo essay about Flux and me.

Us. We met nine years ago in a Telnet chat room called MuMu Land. It's amazing to me that that's how we originally learned of one another's existence, that the doofy kid from Brooklyn that I spoke to on the phone occasionally would be my future spouse, but there it is. We met in person when he and his friend came to Boston on vacation. I brought a friend and no expectations. We ended up hanging out the whole week. My friend and his friend dated for two years, and of course Joe and I went on to get married (in a church, under a huppah, by a rabbi and a deacon), evolve in our living quarters from a crappy Bensonhurst apartment to a suburban split-level house with a fenced backyard, and create the most beautiful child in the universe. Unbelievable, seriously.

Our girl. She brings us ridiculous joy every day. At two months old she likes to coo, smile, laugh (a single-syllable cackle but she's working on it), lick things, and take in the world with her bright, inquisitive eyes. She holds her head steady, sleeps through the night, gazes out the car window, loves being on her changing table, likes to be with people, does well in restaurants and while shopping, and has such long eyelashes they look fake. She's awesome. I think she should marry Sundry's Riley in about 25 years.

Home, where Olivia and I spend most of our time these days. My maternity leave is ending; I go back to work October 2. Part of me is looking forward to putting on dress pants and clicky-heeled shoes and going to the office to converse with adults and type purposeful emails, but the rest of me knows how much I'm going to miss being home. The only reason I am not bawling my eyes out every day is because my mom is going to be taking care of her full time.

But seriously. How could you be okay with spending nine hours in a stupid cubicle when you could be contemplating the infinite cuteness of these?

And while we're making connections, I met both Red and Carly at the shitty, schmoozy company where we all worked a few years ago. They never worked there at the same time and only actually met recently. Red and I worked there for months without knowing each other; she was in a different group and upstairs people (her) and downstairs people (me) hardly even acknowledged one another, much less socialized. So Red's and my first conversation, I want to say, was when I interviewed her to join our group. She did, and then our boss resigned and I was promoted, which was almost weird because Red would've worked for me, but she got laid off before that happened. My only real memory of working with her is that she had a lamp in her cube. Around the same time, Carly got hired (I know - hiring and laying off at the same time? SOP there) and we became friends almost immediately. I met her exactly too soon to invite her to my wedding, which is too bad because (a) I definitely wasted a few invitations on randoms and (b) she could have seen how Red's then-boyfriend heroically stepped in for an asshole groomsman who flaked at the last minute. Anyway, the following year, Carly and I got laid off within two weeks of each other and spent the next six months suffering anxiety at being unemployed.

Straight Girl Slumming It and I are also connected... we go all the way back to junior high school. And she was there the day in 12th grade that we both learned about MuMu Land. If you can believe it, she met her husband there too. Fucking weird, the way that all worked out.

9/11/06

2006-09-11T18:46:00.000-04:00

I watched 9/11 programming all day long today, flipping between MSNBC, the History Channel, TLC, and National Geographic. MSNBC rebroadcast the Today Show as it aired that morning and it got to me all over again: the patchwork of live feeds, contradictory information, raw reporting, and speculation. That bright, sunny day (just like today) shattered like a windshield. I need to re-experience it so I won't ever minimize its impact or forget how it changed us. Knowing everything we didn't know then, it kills me. Because we're no better off. Bin Laden, still at large. Bush, still in office. Airport security, still a joke. The Middle East, still in conflict. The only thing that's changed for me is now I'm raising a child in this world. I don't worry all the time that something is going to happen, I know that a drunk driver poses a much more probable threat than a terrorist attack, but between the nightly news and the company I work for there are constant reminders. Evil is out there, lying in wait, wanting to hurt my family. That will piss me off forever.

Sunday afternoon

2006-08-20T14:38:00.000-04:00

Last night we successfully took Olivia farther than 5 miles from home, to hang out with friends, another baby, and five cats. She slept the whole way there, the whole way home, and most of the time we were there, waking only to refuel on a 2 oz. bottle. We also made reservations for our first night away from her, plans which involve a king-size bed of hewn birch logs, a fireplace, and a tandem massage.

I hate to say this because it's only the middle of August, but I'm already starting to think about fall clothes and gingerbread lattes. It was such a strange summer, no trips, no beach, no swimming, etc. that I am already mourning its passing and it's not even over yet. We still have a couple of cookouts and I'm determined to get my fill of summerness before it's gone for real. Plus Olivia has a ton of cute little outfits to show off, most of which she doesn't quite fit into yet. I'm hoping for a warm September.

We're trying to catch up on housework: Swiffering the floors, Dranoing the tub, Resolving the carpet, which has been taking nonstop abuse since moving day.

We're pretty boring these days. But the girl... she is enchanting.

Introducing Olivia Rachel

2006-07-30T16:33:00.000-04:00

Our gorgeous baby daughter, she's finally finally here. She's been here for nine days now and still I can hardly believe it. We've been home for six days, during which time we've been tending to her needs for food, changing and comfort and getting to know her patterns, cues and infinite displays of cuteness. Right now she's dozing in her swing, looking precious in her rosebud-print onesie, her naked little legs and feet covered by a flowered receiving blanket. She's absolutely gorgeous, and I say that subjectively, of course, but also because it's the truth; she has a round head, a petite little face, and a perfectly smooth complexion. She has none of the telltale markings of a rough vaginal delivery.

Although the story of her birth has been captured and shared by her daddy, here it is again from my perspective.

Wednesday, July 19
I'm exactly 41 weeks, or one week overdue. Last Thursday at my OB's office, the doctor checked my cervix and did a half-laugh. He didn't even tell me what I was, just said, "Okay, let's get that induction scheduled." My induction is scheduled for 6:00 p.m. I'm scheduled to receive cervidil and stay overnight to give it twelve hours to soften and thin my cervix. I'm supposed to call the hospital an hour beforehand to make sure they can accommodate me. I've spent the day packing and crying and watching the TLC channel and trying to prepare myself mentally for what I'm about to go through. At 5:00 I'm dressed and ready to go and I call the hospital. I'm on hold for ten minutes and then they tell me they need to have someone call me back. I end up calling them back after another half hour has gone by. I know by now that it's going to be bad news. They finally get the head nurse on the phone, who tells me that the problem is they have no available beds. There's another woman who needs to be induced first because she was due even sooner than me. The nurse gets the on-call doctor on the line, who tells me they are rescheduling me for the following morning at 7:30. By now I am so emotionally fragile that I can't even speak. I hang up and burst into tears, thinking I can't do this anymore, I can't lay in a hospital bed all day tomorrow and then labor all night, I'm ready now, I just want to get this over with and meet my baby. Joe is pissed and calls my mom to tell her, and then calls the hospital to get a better explanation from the doctor. But there's nothing we can do. We're bumped.

Thursday, July 20
At 6:30 a.m. we call the hospital and they give us the green light to come in. We pack up the car, and I'm looking at the Boppy pillow and the carseat and still only half-accepting that we are having a baby like, today. We get lost on the way to the hospital, one wrong turn that takes us in a gigantic circle, and it's no wonder because we are both tense and distracted. We get to the hospital ten minutes late. I am admitted and brought to a labor room, told to change into a gown, and put in bed with monitors strapped to my belly. I immediately feel like an invalid. The doctor comes in and checks me and gives us some good news: I'm 2 centimeters and 70% effaced, so I don't need the cervidil after all. We're going straight to Pitocin. Joe and I look at each other happily, and we're not bitter about being bumped anymore.

Things take a while getting off the ground because the nurses have trouble taking my blood pressure. The cuff keeps inflating until it explodes off my arm. They use a smaller cuff on my forearm instead. Getting my IV in takes forever. I have deep, tiny veins and phlebotomists hate me and that's why I don't give blood. They have to call someone from IV Therapy and even she has to stick me three times. More than a week later I still have big ugly bruises on my wrists and hands from it. Finally the IV goes in. They secure it with yards of surgical tape and begin the pitocin drip.

At first I feel nothing. I lay in bed listening to the baby's heartbeat, chatting with Joe and the nurses, watching Maury Povich, and succumbing to the blood pressure cuff every fifteen minutes. An hour later I feel some menstrual-like cramping, and soon I am having mild to moderate contractions every 2-3 minutes. They continue through The Price is Right, lunchtime (for Joe, I'm not allowed to eat anything) and into the afternoon. I walk the halls for a while, but it makes my blood pressure go up, so then I'm only allowed to sit in a rocking chair. Joe sits in the chair next to me, playing "MLB 2006: The Show" on PSP. The nurses and occasionally the doctor ask after my progress and seem disappointed that I'm not in more pain. At 4:00 p.m. the doctor comes back, checks me, and tells us I'm not making enough progress; she's sending us home. I accept the news with relief. I'm hungry, tired, and aching from the IV ordeal. They unhook my drip but leave the IV in my arm, securing it with even more tape, and discharge me. On the way out, we randomly meet the doctor who will be on call tomorrow. He tells me he'll break my water first thing to get things rolling. He seems nice.

Joe and I leave the hospital and call my parents. We go to their house and my mom makes us spaghetti and meatballs.

Friday, July 21
We are due back at the hospital at 10:00 a.m. This time we don't get lost. I am admitted into another labor room, a mirror image of yesterday's. The same nurses take care of me. My blood pressure behaves. The doctor comes in, checks me and breaks my water. The gush is prodigious; I remember asking, "God, do I have more amniotic fluid than anyone else in the world?" (No.) The doctor puts an internal monitor on the baby and the heartbeat goes from the galloping Doppler sound to a steady beep. They start the pitocin and we settle in for the long haul.

The contractions take hold this time. The nurses ask me to rate my pain on a scale of 1 to 10. When I get to 4, they ask "What would you like to do about pain management?" I am floored - epidural already? The contractions hurt, but they're not unmanageable. The anaesthesiologist is summoned. She is gentle and works quickly. I feel strange sensations down my right side when she injects the needle, but the catheter feels like nothing once its in. She injects some medication - not as strong as the real epidural, but something to take the edge off - and I get to 5 centimeters on just that. We relax quietly, listening to Guster and Pearl Jam on the iPod, and I try to nap.

The next time the doctor comes in for a check, I've jumped to 8 centimeters. He says, "All right!" and gives me a fist bump. By that point, all I can think about is food. Joe and I banter for 30 minutes about what he should get for me to eat after delivery. I decide on a tuna sub and he goes to a pizza joint across the street to get me one. In the meantime all I can have is ice chips, which I suck on one by one so I won't become nauseated.

At 8:30 p.m. the doctor comes in to do a check. "It's time to push," he declares. Holy crap. I say to Joe, who is still bent over PSP, "Better save your game; Olivia's getting called up to the show." The nurse tells me how to push by holding my breath, digging my chin into my chest and pulling back on my legs. It's a lot to remember and hard for me to do effectively because I can't feel my contractions. They make the decision to increase the pitocin and cut back on the epidural. I want to give up so many times. The only helpful one is Joe, who tells me I'm almost there even when I'm not. He says things like, "Come on, you can do it! Think about Olivia! Think about your tuna sub!" I only start pushing productively when the pain of each contraction is so bad that pushing feels better. I have no concept of time, no idea that I kept it up for two hours. But I can tell when it's getting close because the pressure and pain are unbelievable, and because Joe can see the head.

The doctor sweeps in at the last second and prepares for delivery. But he has the wrong size gloves; he futzes around looking for bigger ones and tells me not to push even though there's no fucking way I can stop. I could give two shits whether he has gloves on at all. He finally brings his ass over and Olivia is born with just two more pushes: one for her head and one for the rest of her. 10:20 p.m. They put her on my chest and she cries and Joe cries but I don't. I hold her slippery little body and stare at her and I'm completely exhausted and in shock. Then they take her away, and everything is kind of a blur, and I feel the placenta being delivered, and then the doctor asks, "Do you normally bleed a lot?"

They end up rushing me to the OR to do my repair. I am rolled through the halls feeling like I'm on an episode of ER. The anaesthesiologist pumps my epidural full of something that makes my legs completely numb. The doctor and nurses ask me about my job while I'm on the table, and I blather on about succession planning and executive development.

Saturday, July 22
After repair, I go back to the labor room to wait for the numbness to subside in my legs. They don't want to transfer me to my regular room until I can move them. My left leg recovers before my right. I unwrap and attack half of my tuna sub. The nurse comes in and tries to get me into a wheelchair but I almost collapse when I try to stand up. So they roll my whole bed into the new room and somehow I am able to transfer myself into the other bed. It's like 3:00 a.m. but I am still starving and eat the other half of my sandwich. I haven't seen Olivia since she was born, but Joe was able to go to the nursery and watch her being cleaned off and footprinted.

The rest of the night is a blur. I remember the sweet, grandmotherly nurse who helped me into the bathroom and doused me with cold shower water when I almost passed out. I think they brought Olivia in for breastfeeding a couple of times. I know I didn't sleep. All I could do was lay there in a half-conscious state, shivering as the anaesthesia wore off, afraid to move because of my stitches.

I spend the next two days crying. The combination of fatigue, recovery, the immensity of our new responsibility, frustration with breastfeeding, my overwhelming emotions toward the baby, and typical post-partum blues turn me into a blathering mess. For the most part I enjoy having visitors, asking the nurses for advice, and spending quiet time with Olivia, but I hit the wall at one point. A fabulous nurse/midwife gives me a frank pep talk that really helps. By the time we're ready to leave the hospital on Monday morning, I'm still emotional, crying every two seconds, but no longer feeling fearful. I'm ready to take our daughter home and begin learning how to be the best mother I can to her.

Welcome to the world, little one. We love you more than you'll ever know.

What the...? FIVE days overdue

2006-07-17T07:58:00.000-04:00

Dear baby,

So, what's up... do you just really like it in there, or what? A couple of months ago I understood the appeal of your little balloon world, but now not so much. It's dark, subterranean, and cramped. You can't do somersaults or stretch out anymore, only slide your limbs around excitedly after you receive nutrition through your umbilical take-out window. It's better out here, I promise. You'll have your own room, and a swing, and a bouncy seat with little hanging toys, and stuffed animals, and a big yard to play in when your motor skills are better developed. In some ways it's not even so different--it's always a temperate 72 degrees, and you'll still get food on demand, plus you'll also get hugs and kisses and cuddles, which you're missing out on now. Plus there are other babies and kittens and grandparents and aunties and, of course, your dad and me who want to meet you.

Is that the problem, are you having reservations about us? Okay, let's talk about that. I know there are some potential causes for concern, such as the fact that your dad would still watch professional wrestling if I let him, and the fact that I have REO Speedwagon's Greatest Hits in the car right this minute. Yes, we will undoubtedly embarrass you at different times in your life with our choices of clothing or language, but that's one of the privileges of parenthood. But we're actually pretty cool, you know... we're fun, educated, well-travelled, and we have a decent handle on this life thing. We work and pay our bills and do all the other boring parent things that will make your life easier. And we're having you young enough that not only do you get many years with us, but also many years with your grandparents, who can't wait to start spoiling you. So, seriously, don't worry... in the jackpot of parents, I really think you made out okay.

If you still need to think it over, I feel it's fair to warn you that you only have two more days. On Wednesday night I go into the hospital to begin the process of gently suggesting, and later forcibly insisting upon, your eviction from Womb with a View Inn and Suites. We don't necessarily want there to be a 24-esque scene where you become surrounded by doctors and nurses and are made to emerge under duress, but we'll do it if we have to. You might do yourself a favor by giving yourself up before the deadline. What do you say?

Love,
your mom

Today's the day! ...or NOT

2006-07-12T11:54:00.000-04:00

Today's my due date and I'm at work. There's something so wrong about that, but here I am. I had a feeling it was going to be like this. I anticipated that she would be late - first babies often are, and I was late by 17 days. I knew that my nature would compel me to keep doing everything normal until the very last second and then wish later that I'd taken it easy. I expect to go to my appointment tomorrow and be told that I haven't made any meaningful progress towards labor. What happens after that... I guess we'll see.

I toyed with the idea of taking this week off, but I couldn't convince myself there was a good enough reason to. There have been contractors in my house all week. And there's nothing to do. I'm too uncomfortable to go shopping. It's too gross and humid to go for walks. There's no way to stockpile rest, so I can't force it. Of course I'd love to decorate and organize the nursery, but we're not talking about that.

So, our group of (young, awesome, brilliant, kickass) girls at work started taking bets about when it would be. The guesses so far are Friday 7/14, Sunday 7/16 and Tuesday 7/18. I didn't guess, because I have even less of a clue than they do. If you're getting a good feeling about a particular day, let me know what it is.

And still nothing

2006-07-10T14:39:00.000-04:00

I'm at work, actually. No reason not to come in. I can't sit around the house, partly because it's boring and partly because the air conditioning guys are there and god knows I don't want to do anything to slow them down because they are my favorite people in the world. This morning I waited for them to arrive and ended up getting to work late, surprising all my coworkers because the two people I left voice mails for saying, "No I didn't have the baby, just going to be late, pass it on," both happened to be out of town.

But yeah, nothing. Saturday I was really uncomfortable; it was difficult to sit or bend, and I felt a little crampy. I thought, "Hmm, maybe this is something?" and I half expected to wake up in the middle of the night, but it didn't happen. It went away and yesterday I felt fine.

She is squirming and pushing on my ribs right now. Her big head is pressing on my bladder. She makes me walk funny and is responsible for my sausage fingers. She taunts us both with the promise of her cuteness and knows we will still love her no matter how long she makes us wait.

Oh, and...

2006-07-07T09:07:00.000-04:00

...no progression babywise. According to the doc I'm still only 1 cm dilated, if even, and have not yet begun to efface. He listened to the heart and said, "You have a happy baby in there." Yeah, so happy that she's going to stay forever. If I make it to my next appointment, which will be 40 weeks 1 day, they will do a nonstress test and schedule an induction for week 41. The positive is that the central air will be installed by then. The negative is that I will likely be going to work for at least part of next week.

So even though the nursery is still only a yellow room with nothing in it but a lamp and a rug (because the furniture is DELAYED until the END of the MONTH, and why the manufacturer couldn't IMPORT PARTS ten WEEKS ago is not a question even worth ASKING), we're starting to prepare in earnest. The bassinet is ready to use. The carseat bases are in. The diaper stacker is filled with newborn Pampers. The changing pad is covered in pink terrycloth and ready to take up residence on the dining room table. The Boppy is out of its packaging and the bouncy seat and swing are assembled. I'd say we're about 75% ready from a practical standpoint, and about 9% from a mental one.

And I ask myself, how did I get here?

2006-07-07T07:49:00.000-04:00

The town where I now live, my hometown, used to be full of young Baby Boomer couples who grew up in cities like Revere, Everett, Lynn, etc. and wanted some space and fresh air in which to raise their families. The town was being carved out of woodlands and dairy farms and they lived in pleasant neighborhoods full of Capes and splits and ranches on quarter- or half-acre lots. Years later, many of them upgraded to Colonials in treeless new developments, which now have trees because they're 20 years old. Their kids, my generation, are lucky if we can afford to live there and send our kids to the schools we went to.

Now the town is becoming overrun with NEW new developments full of $1M-plus starter castles, and attracting a new kind of resident. The kind, like the couple my dad met while performing an insurance inspection, who have $900K mortgages, a wife who doesn't work, and four kids under the age of six. Or the kind, like a guy I saw this morning, who commute to work in convertible Porsche Boxsters, Bluetooth headsets firmly in place. I'm sure it would be fabulous to have a butler's pantry, media room, heated garage and central vacuum, but personally, I don't get it. I don't think the people who buy these houses are truly rich. Doesn't having a ginormous mortgage scare the crap out of them? Especially on one income (regardless of how large)? Are they thinking about the huge tuition payments coming down the road, or the ridiculous amount they're going to need to save in order to sustain their lifestyle in retirement?
Are they like a few people here at work, who had kids so late in life that they're going to have to work until they're 70?

No thanks. It seems like slavery to me. I'm already lucky to be where I am and have what I have... no way would I press my luck that far, even if it does come with gleaming cherry hardwood, three Trex decks, au pair suite and built-ins galore.

The last week

2006-07-05T12:02:00.000-04:00

No baby yet. I'm at work. Doctor tomorrow, so we'll see what they say.

Here's a survey I stole:

Do you own an iPod?
I own an iPod Shuffle, which is full of random songs that I like to blast on the treadmill (like “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, “Still in Love Song” by the Stills, “Same in the End” by Sublime, “Ex-girlfriend” by No Doubt) and which has been languishing in my gym bag for months. My gym bag, by the way, is a museum dedicated to March 2006.

What was the last movie you watched?
Napoleon Dynamite… you might as well do something while you’re doing nothing!

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
The IT guy.

Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Of course. Everybody talks about everybody. But I don’t think there are groups of people getting together with the express purpose of bonding over just how badly I suck. It’s just what you do when you’re with people… discuss the lives of other people.

Did you watch cartoons as a child?
Sure. Smurfs, Underdog, Jem, She-Ra, Danger Mouse, Snorks, and a lot of non-cartoon Nickelodeon shows like You Can’t Do That on Television, Mr. Wizard’s World, Pinwheel and Today’s Special.

Who were your childhood heroes?
Ponch & Jon from CHiPS

Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
No, not likely. One or two maybe. Of course, the man I am tethered to has none, and no plans to get any.

Do you use sarcasm?
Not nearly as much as I used to.

How old will you be on your next birthday?
29 in December.

Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
I’m not a grammar Nazi but I do have an ear for correct usage. I can’t help correcting people (annoying, I know) and I have a hawk’s eye for typos. It’s a curse, really.

Do you think your [sic.] a good person?
God, speaking of typos. Overall, I do. I’m not out to put other people down, and I’m happy with my life.

Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yes, though I think only once. My friend Amanda and I went to Great Adventure in New Jersey several years ago and rode the huge coasters all day. That was a fun little roadtrip. There’s a Six Flags New England now, but I’ve never made it there.

One of your scars: how did you get it?
I was climbing out of a canoe onto a dock and slammed my shin into a corner of the wood. It gouged out a chunk of flesh and I still have a divot.

If you could pay anyone in the world to be your friend, who would it be?
Oh, yes, brilliant idea. Way to make someone respect you. I’d much rather pay someone to be my housekeeper.

Have you ever met a famous person?
No, and I’m not inclined to want to. Especially not on the street or in a fan situation. It would be okay if we were invited to the same gathering.

What's the scariest story you've ever heard?
Once upon a time there was a husband and wife who learned early in their adulthoods that they’d need to somehow, some way, save millions of dollars in order to retire comfortably.

What five things would you take with you to a desert island?
Well, since it doesn’t say deserted island, I’m going to presume that lodging, food, transportation, recreation, and other creature comforts are provided. I’d bring my husband, our baby, two friends and a dog.

Countdown - T-minus 13 days

2006-06-29T08:20:00.000-04:00

I'm SO grateful for the upcoming long weekend. I can't wait to sleep in and lounge around and not think about work or real estate anymore. The condo closing is this afternoon, FINALLY. The exact time is still up in the air, which is disconcerting to my brain because I am so organized and process-oriented about things like this. Once we receive word that it's done and that our check is on the way, I'm going to sign the contract for the central air, which will be installed starting July 10. Leave it to us to bring in a contractor the week of my due date. After everything, it doesn't even seem weird. And how awesome would it be if it was done by the time we left the hospital?

Pregnancy complaint #116: I have hardly any clothes. I wear the same black pants week in and out because they match the one pair of black shoes that I can still wear. A couple of months ago I had a decent mix of long- and short-sleeve maternity tops, but now it's too warm for long sleeves. I have a dress and a skirt, but neither go with the aforementioned shoes. I have a couple of weekend options, which I keep repeating. Since I'm not about to buy any more maternity clothes, I'm stuck for the time being. And I'm thinking that nursing will present some fashion challenges too, even if they are as trivial as nursing bra straps + tank top = ugh. I can't wait until I can wear flip-flops every day... and jeans! God, jeans, I miss you.

Where the hell have I been?

2006-06-23T15:12:00.000-04:00

Well, busy mostly, and also dying hot. Everything is different now. We moved to the sticks. The first weekend we were there we discovered that the downstairs bedroom rug was wet from all the freaking rain we've had this year. A old giant box fan and some Febreze took care of it. We bought a lawn mower and a weed-whacker. Sadly, we have no AC because our windows are uncooperatively sized and open left to right instead of up and down. I love the house but we melt in it even when we surround ourselves with fans. The idea of being home in the summer heat with a new baby prompted me to call a guy to come give us a quote on central air, which is certain to be expensive because a) it's high season and b) we don't have any existing duct work.

Work has become insane lately. We have a huge project for the Board of Directors and there isn't enough time to get everything done. I haven't even begun transitioning my stuff to the poor sucker who has to cover me while I'm out. My new commute is a lot longer and more congested, so I have to leave a lot earlier to try and beat it. I've been getting up at 5:30 a.m. No, really. I leave the house at 6:45, get to work at 7:30, and still end up staying until 5:30 some nights.

There are fewer than 3 weeks until my due date. We never did a childbirth class or even toured the hospital. My belly is gigantic. I can't pick stuff up that I drop on the floor. I wear my rings on my necklace because my fingers are puffy. I only have one pair of work shoes that fit. The baby is LARGE... 76th percentile, estimated at 7lb 11oz already. Three weeks ago she was only 53rd percentile, 5lb 3oz. What the hell, how did that happen? I've gained about 28 pounds. When I sit upright she pushes my ribs with her feet. I can feel her knees and elbows slide by. I can tell she can't wait to get out and start messing with us. We still have no nursery. We can't paint the room this weekend because it's going to be rainy and humid for the next 4304959493 days. The furniture still isn't in. We haven't gone to the police station to have them install the car seat bases yet. My hospital bag is about 1/3 packed, and all that's in there is a nursing bra and a pack of Uno cards.

The condo closing is scheduled for sometime next week; like everything else in this process, the date is not yet solid. But we have their mortgage commitment and this will all be over in 2-3 business days. I can't wait to have that not lingering over our heads anymore. I can't wait to have our money back in our account where it belongs and to be able to pay back the kind family members who loaned us the cash to cover our down payment.

I know how fortunate we are. I shouldn't complain. But however big your biggest problem is, it's still your biggest problem. My biggest problems are the humidity, not having any time to see my friends, and being hugely pregnant. This is about as uncreative as entries get, but that's where we're at.

One track mind

2006-06-01T14:45:00.000-04:00

Joe is a lucky whore. He's off today and tomorrow. He was off Monday and two days last week for Pearl Jam. I'm jealous. He's in the city, wandering around and maybe planning to meet up with my cousin for a drink, and here I am in my cube, hammering away at a ginornous Excel chart. Although today hasn't been bad. I love when my boss is in a flippant mood. Like when he comes over and says: "I'll tell you, [Coworker guy] is in love with this chart. He practically had an orgasm over it. I gave him tons of shit."

I can't wait to have 3 months off. I want to be in my new house, on my new couch (or loveseat or chair, because yay, we're finally going to have a living room arrangement where people can sit facing each other), with my new baby. There is still so much to do in these last few weeks, but there is a definite sense of eventuality now. The movers are scheduled and the house is full of boxes. There are lawyers and home inspectors lurking about. We are taking care of change-of-address forms, utility switch-ons and switch-offs, adding and cancelling insurance coverages. We have delivery dates for our new furniture and appliances. Moving sucks. But trying to buy and sell property sucks worse, so we'll take it.

As for an update on the baby: she's in there. I had an ultrasound yesterday to estimate her position and size. She's vertex, meaning head down, and the placenta is anterior and high (good and good). She weighs approximately 5lb 3 oz, just over 50th percentile for her age. She has hair and an adorable little face, both of which I was able to see clearly on the scan. Although she has six weeks left, she will be at term in three. Unbelievable, seriously. I really can't wait to meet her.

Postscript

2006-05-26T08:41:00.000-04:00

And wouldn't you know it—now that we've accepted an offer, three additional showings have already been scheduled. Last week we had a total of zero.

Mindfuckery!!!

Things are falling into place

2006-05-25T10:44:00.000-04:00

Months ago we were overwhelmed by all the changes we were facing and everything that needed to happen in a short period of time: selling a property, buying a property, moving, expecting a baby, finishing school, finding a new job, getting a second car, etc.

Doggedly, we pursued them all at once, and now we're in good shape. The only unfinished bit of business was the selling of the condo. Until very recently.

We received a modest offer. After countering twice, we weighed the pros and cons of their best and final and decided to accept it. The market is tanking. We could wait months for another offer. We don't want two mortgages. The buyer wants to close quickly.

Cross your fingers.

Academically-challenged Simon met a pieman

2006-05-23T14:38:00.000-04:00

The women in my family don’t kid around when it comes to baby showers, this I can tell you. Mine was on Sunday and it was awesome: a ginghamy, flowery, meatbally, nursery rhymey, pink lemonadey, oohy and aahy spectacle. 31 women representing four generations jammed into every downstairs room of my parents’ home. Friends and relatives mingling in weirdo combinations everywhere I looked. A room full of pastel-wrapped gifts. A hand-assembled four-tier diaper cake (non-edible). And six dozen pink cupcakes (edible!).

That kind of attention and love is overwhelming in a way that doesn’t really hit you until it’s over. While it’s going on you feel like you’re at any party, but then you realize it’s YOUR party, people have come from out of town to be there, and suddenly you’re flooded with attention that you can’t graciously handle and gratitude that you can’t adequately express. So you hug everybody and chat with as many people as you can, read every card and hold up every gift, and stuff piles up and you still can’t quite grasp that everyone there has chipped in to help cushion the next phase of your life.

So, I was extremely touched by people's generosity, and I’m very grateful to my mom, sister and aunts for their tireless planning and effort, and also to everybody who came, because I know showers are not usually people’s idea of a good time. You all who read this – thank you so much for being there and putting up with so many strangers and being stuffed into the family room like sardines for the 2-hour gift bonanza. I’ll remember it.

When the shower ended, men began arriving to eat leftover lasagna, meatballs, calzones, and sandwiches. We kept going into the family room and ogling at the volume of gifts. We sorted through everything and organized it into categories: clothes, blankets, keepsakes, bibs and burp cloths, bath accessories, socks, and functional items. We figured out how to collapse the stroller and lock and unlock the carseat. We opened the Boppy to feel how soft it was. Then we moved everything upstairs into my parents’ guest room, and we probably won’t see any of it again until we move…

…in three weeks. Moving at 36 weeks pregnant is a daunting thing, but we can pull it off with help. We’re going to start this weekend by throwing away junk, donating clothes and books, and filling the boxes we have from our last move. Fortunately we did a purge when we put the house on the market, so there isn’t a ton of excess crap, but we still own a lot of stuff. Should be fun. Be on the lookout for a packing party invite!

A haiku to celebrate the nanosecond of sun

2006-05-16T15:43:00.000-04:00

Bright light in the sky
Yellow burning through the gray
My retinas ache

Where James at?!

2006-05-15T17:10:00.000-04:00

While Saturday night has already been covered in high-larious detail by my dear friends, I’d like to make it known that the gathering was everything it promised to be. Sex in the 90s was resplendent with flannelly AIDS and bushy mullets and update segments featuring white satin wedding cowboy hats. Noshes and beverages ran the gamut from cabernet and crudités to ring pops and gummi worms. Conversation flowed freely and connections were made. We were well into our evening when Crazy Neighbor busted in all Kramer-like, sporting a trench over a blazer over a sweater topped by a neon orange baseball cap that said Jamaica on it. In his time with us, he wandered around marveling at the décor, recounted his dinner with a sketchy Sopranos-esque figure, told rambling tales about G. Gordon Liddy, reminded us several times that he oversees four mental health clinics and has 80 employees, tried to engage us in group therapy, told Red that each of us were people she would stay in touch with forever, and shared a green, leafy substance that turned my compatriots into zombies.

In depressing news, today marks our eighth consecutive day of rain. It’s nothing like the kind of records they set in Seattle, but it is annoying. Yesterday we were at my grandparents’ house for Mother’s Day and on the way home half the roads were closed. For fifteen minutes we drove around this random residential neighborhood, getting lost and encountering street lakes and DPW sawhorses at every turn. We had to backtrack into a town that has been on the news all weekend for the extent of its flooding just to get to the highway. And this morning Joe’s second interview had to be rescheduled (after he already trekked over there looking the picture of professionalism: wet trouser hems and a fleece jacket over his suit, toting a backpack full of schoolbooks) because the big shot he was supposed to meet with lives in the town on the news and was having flooding problems.

In other news, our downstairs neighbors had themselves a baby boy last week. We haven't seen him yet but I'm sure he'll be making his presence known soon enough. She was six weeks ahead of me, and there is only one other person that I know of between us, and she's having a scheduled C-section this Friday. Then there will be nobody. Then we start counting down. Once my appointments go from every two weeks to every week, that's when it will get really interesting.

Today was long and gray and boring. I had an offsite 2-hour meeting where I sat and felt the baby wiggle and hiccup. If not for that I might have fallen asleep.

Plan this

2006-05-08T10:31:00.001-04:00

Water sucks. I drink it dutifully, an average of 64 oz. daily, and have for years. While I enjoy the positive effects on my complexion and general well-being, I never enjoy drinking it. I just do it. I try to drink a liter between breakfast and lunch and another between lunch and 5:00 p.m. Any more I drink at home is bonus. Some days it goes easily, other days not so much. I miss Diet Pepsi, mocha lattes, wine.

The baby shower is coming up in two weeks. It's hosted by my sister, three of my aunts, and my mother and being held at my parents' house. It's not a suprise, so I've seen the invitation, decorations and paper goods and I have an idea of the menu. They are honoring my one request: cupcakes. My mom is constructing a cupcake tower using 3 cake plates of descending size. I was happy to pass my gestational diabetes screen so that I can enjoy them.

I visited my registeries and was very surprised to see that practically everything has been bought. Last week there was a lot left, so obviously people went shopping over the weekend. I sort of can't believe that people are buying things for our child, because the concepts of her actually being born and coming home with us are still ungraspable.

It's pretty ridiculous how close it's getting. It's at the point where people who were due before me have either had their babies or will any time. And since there are also people who are due after me, eventually it's going to BE me. I'm going to have to go through labor if I want this baby out. Agghh, scary shit. People have asked me what my plans are for the birth. Um, to get it out? The only thing I'm planning on is an epidural. Beyond that, the circumstances will dictate: if I have to be induced or get an episiostomy or have an emergency C-section, there isn't much I can do to plan around it. But as for a plan-plan, like homebirth, no-drugs birth, giving birth in a pool with dolphins, or vanity c-section with tummy tuck--none of that shit.

Leather and Kleenex

2006-05-05T08:44:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday afternoon, Joe and I were driving down Main St. and we happened upon the aftermath of a terrible motorcycle accident. Traffic was backed up and being redirected down a side street. There were several police cars, fire trucks and ambulances blocking the area. The bike was on its side in the middle of the street with debris scattered around. Dozens of people had come out to rubberneck.

On Monday I passed by the area and saw that a cross had been set up on the corner of the road, with flowers all around it. The only word I could make out on the cross was presumably a name: Falco. "Shit," I thought. "He didn't make it."

On Tuesday it rained all day. I noticed someone had taken the time to put up a tent over the cross and the flowers to protect them.

This morning traffic was backed up in front of the funeral home. A cop was in the street letting one lane go at a time. As ours crept through, I saw that the parking lot was packed. At least 30 motorcycles were parked in a row out front, standing sentinel, including a few from the Watertown and Waltham police departments. Bearded guys in Harley-Davidson gear were milling around the sidewalk, giving each other manly hugs.

It was beautiful, all those biker guys gathering to mourn their friend. No dark suits, no solemn sedans. The guy was clearly someone who had touched a lot of lives within his circle. I would have liked to sit at the back of the service and listen to the eulogy. Hope you're at peace, Falco.

Pilfered uselessness

2006-05-04T12:54:00.000-04:00

What is your name spelled backwards?
JgniylF

Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
Not yet, but I’m intrigued. If you were offering a 9 volt in one hand and an ice cream cone in the other, my tongue would have quite a dilemma.

What is the type of music you dislike the most?
Generic bullshit like Nickelback. And James Blunt.

How do people misspell your name?
Two Ls, one S.

How do people mispronounce your name?
They don’t. Although sometimes people on the phone mishear it as Martha. I correct them immediately and indignantly, as I would fairly die if someone thought my parents named me Martha.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Any restaurant where they let you sit is OK by me, but The Hardcover is outstanding.

When was the last time you swam in a pool?
I think it was last summer, on the Cape.

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Not anymore. A few years ago I totally would’ve, but now all I can think of is the baby and what a foolish risk it would be.

Have you ever run away from home?
I threatened to once, but I was missing the point.
Me: I hate you! I’m running away!
Mom & Dad: That’s too bad. Where are you going to go?
Me: Brian’s!

In your family, are you the oldest, younger, or middle child?
I'm the oldest.

Has a bird ever pooped on your head?
Not on my head, but one got me on the leg of my shorts the first time I went to Long Island to meet Joe’s extended family. That was great.

Have you ever pulled an all nighter?
Once, yeah. Fall semester freshman year I had a paper due in my Sociological Statistics class. The whole thing was totally confusing to me – a paper? In math? I stayed up all night struggling to use this ridiculous software that came with the book, and I generated some bullshit tables, and wrote 5 pages of crap to support them, and I finished at 7:30 and my class was at 9:40 and I probably should have showered and gone to breakfast, but instead I lay in bed with a pounding headache and barely dragged myself to class. I got a D on the paper.

What's your favorite comic strip?
Foxtrot. Them’s funny.

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Noooooooooooo.

Orange juice or apple?
Orange juice primarily. But cloudy apple juice is yummy when you’re in the mood.

Do you enjoy Nascar...watching cars go around and around a big track?
No. And while we’re being specific, NASCAR is an acronym.

Did you have braces, and were you self-conscious?
I never had braces, but I was self-conscious. They are mutually exclusive conditions.

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Last summer. My friend grew cherry tomatoes in her yard and gave us some. Delish.

Favorite arcade game?
For me, there is only skee-ball.

Ever ordered from an infomercial?
I ordered the Pure Moods CD that way. I believe I was visiting friends at Northeastern, and that I was drunk. I’m glad I have it, though. It has “The Promise” by Michael Nyman, which I first heard on the Real World San Francisco (I didn’t find out until years later that it featured prominently in The Piano, kind of like Harvey Keitel’s penis) and have always thought was beautiful.

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?
Never a full uniform with polyester pants and a funny hat, but I did have to wear a teal blue vest when I worked at Walgreens, a black jacket with STAFF on the back when I worked at Bob’s Stores, and a red and white checked apron when I worked at Bath & Body Works.

Ever thrown up in public?
I horked at Canobie Lake Park once when I was a kid. Even in my drunkiest days, I don’t think I ever puked in front of people* or in a public place. Unless you guys remember something I don’t.
*Even on that horrible ride home from New Hampshire I had my head buried in a Hannaford bag.

Have you broken any bones?
Nope.

What message is on your voice mail?
Nothing fun. My best message was in college. Lionel Richie crooning, “Hello? Is it me you’re looking for? Beep.”

Would you change your last name if you became famous?
Unlikely.

Would you change your last name if you got married?
Yes. I thought it would be nice to go from an 11-letter last name that nobody could pronounce to a 5-letter one… which it turns out people still don’t know how to pronounce.

Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?
Yes, but not in all circumstances. I have all the sympathy in the world when something unexpectedly bad comes into the life of a person who makes smart choices and does the right thing, but when people willingly or consciously put themselves in situations that are avoidable or stupid, I don’t.

Do you consider love a mistake?
Not at all.

What kind of backpack do you have, and what's in it?
I don’t. I haven’t had a backpack since high school.

Do you have an alias?
Nope. FlyingJ 5-Letter Last Name is on my driver’s license.

Do you have a recurring dream?
I used to have tons of dreams about trains and train tunnels. Not so much anymore.

Are you easygoing or overbearing?
I am either, depending on what you are.

Are you disciplined or lazy?
I can be disciplined in spurts or about certain things, but lazy is the norm.

Are you generally happy or sad?
Generally happy... but those pregnancy hormones love to fuck with you.

What were you like as a kid? Are you still like that now?
I was a smarty-pants know-it-all tomboy with no use for a girly little sister. I’m no longer a tomboy and I love my sister, but I’m still a smarty-pants know-it-all.

Would you rather have guys or girls as friends?
I have mostly girls as friends, and the guys I’m friends with are either Joe’s friends or my friends’ significant others. So, both, but I seem to only be good at befriending girls.

What movie will you defend to the death, despite its unpopularity?
Star Wars. Just give it a chance!

What movie does everyone love but you hated?
The Matrix

Have you ever had to fuck stuff up for no good reason?
Sometimes you have no alternative.

Anything else to say?
Since the transportation industry is never going to give us more leg room, I’d just prefer that airplane and bus seats not recline. I like to cross my legs. I don’t need to sit at an obtuse angle. I don’t enjoy a random guy’s dandruffy head in my lap. That is all.

Cat Ballou

2006-05-01T11:12:00.000-04:00

My sister brought home her new kitten, Baloo, on Friday. 8 weeks old, black with white mittens, blue eyes, totally adorable. He plays rambunctiously for hours and then falls asleep in your arms, giving a single meow whenever you shift or disturb him. He play-bites hands and fingers when he wakes up. He climbs the couch, the recliner, the curtains. He steps all over the laptop keyboard. He's fascinated by the ceiling fan in her kitchen.

I LOVE him. We all do, even my dad, who doesn't care for animals and always balked at pets larger or more involved than a guinea pig. We keep track of where he is at every second, are amused by each of his movements and expressions, and take turns holding him.

It definiitely feels like practice for when the baby comes. Just ten more weeks.

This is why I have insurance

2006-04-14T10:25:00.000-04:00

Back in December, a friend of mine went into preterm labor and delivered her baby at 27 weeks, 2 days. Her tiny daughter spent 3+ months in the NICU and finally went home a few weeks ago. This freaks me out: if the same scenario were to happen to me, I would be delivering TODAY. Thankfully, I'm not. Little one seems snug and content in there. But holy shit: it's now the third trimester.

I had an appointment on Wednesday. Everything was fine: bp, weight, heartbeat, belly measurement. My next one is in 3 weeks, and then I'll start going every 2 weeks, which is good—a month is a long time between appointments, and the appointments themselves are over almost before they begin. I used to walk out feeling totally assured, but not so much anymore. Now that I feel the baby move regularly, I have become attuned to her active and resting patterns, and any unusually quiet times find me locked in an empty conference room at work, lying on my left side—on the table, no less—counting kicks.

So when I mentioned to the doctor that her movements had been feeling different the past couple of days, I’m not even sure it was true. I might’ve just subconsciously wanted him to order a test so that somebody would give me a little more to go on than a stupid measuring tape. He stepped up: gave me a kick chart and sent me to the hospital for a non-stress test. As soon as he mentioned the word “hospital,” part of me wanted to bail, but I went.

The test was kind of pointless and the results were fine, but I’m glad I had it because otherwise I might still be paranoid. She was very active all morning, since I drank a bunch of cold water as well as the sugary drink for the gestational diabetes screen. In the hospital, they made me lie on a bed and strapped a monitor to my abdomen, which amplified everything she did: every bump, squirm, roll, stretch and hiccup. Now, instead of paranoid, I am impatient. I really want to meet this little person. But not now…I want her to keep baking for another 3 months and ding when she’s ready.

Ungghh my pilsen loafatta is flaring up...

2006-04-05T14:09:00.000-04:00

It's SNOWING. Gigantic, fluffy flakes. The tiniest twigs at the tippiest tops of the trees cradling powdery poufs. New England postcard money shot.

The only reason this is even remotely tolerable is that it's going to be 55 tomorrow.

Also, help: can anybody tell me what the hell "pilsen loafatta" is? It's on the cafeteria menu tomorrow. Good if you know, but even better if you don't, especially if you take a creative guess.

Mmm. Tastes like VD!

2006-04-03T14:20:00.000-04:00

This weekend Red came over to hang out. She was telling us about "rainbow parties," which are yet another way for teenage girls to participate in the degradation of their self esteem. Rainbow parties involve a bunch of girls putting on different shades of lipstick and then blowing the same guy, leaving rings of pink and red, and thus creating a crappy facsimile of a rainbow-from-hell.

Why do girls DO this kind of crap? There is nothing even remotely appealing about being fifth in line to smoke some pubescent boy's scrawny pole. And, almost more importantly, how have the boys managed to finagle this deal? Why have the girls not demanded an equivalent?

My idea: fruit salad parties. Give each boy a different fruity flavor of Bonne Bell Lip Smackers and then have them go down on one girl. By the last poor schmuck, the flavors will mix and it will taste just like fruit fucking salad. And beer. And all your buddies. Nice.

Half-day hooky

2006-03-31T12:40:00.000-05:00

It's 70 degrees and sunny today, absolutely gorgeous. This morning I hung around to wait for the HVAC guy to come back. I opened the door to a smiling technician and a warm, perfect, wonderful spring day, the kind that makes you want to lie in the grass and smile at the sky like a moron, thinking about daffodils and butterflies and puffy clouds and bike-riding and lilacs.

After he was finished and took off, it was 9:45. I sat in my living room, stewing in pissy, petulant thoughts: "Stupid work clothes. Stupid long-sleeved shirt, stupid boots, stupid black pants, you all suck. Stupid low-pressure system coming in tomorrow. Stupid quarterly report due today; if not for you I could take the day off. Stupid work. Fuuuuuuck."

I couldn't go in, not then. I made a few calls to make sure things were in order, because you know it only takes you thinking about not being in the office to unleash a flood of urgent emails and frantic "WHERE ARE YOU?" voice mails. In fact, my coworker informed me that five minutes after I let her know I wasn't going to be in until later, our boss called for me. I don't know why--he's supposed to be driving to upstate NY to visit his son at college. That's just the kind of makes-no-sense shit you can count on happening when you have something better to do.

Not that I did. I was already dressed for work and not about to change, so something constructive like a walk or a bike ride weren't going to happen. I'm ashamed to admit I went to the mall. I know, I didn't even spend my time outside, unless driving on the highway with the sunroof open counts. I spent most of it in a dressing room at Motherhood Maternity, becoming exasperated by their inconsistent sizing. But it felt great to be out doing what I wanted to be doing, not sitting at my desk breathing recirculated office air and watching the whole day go by through the windows that don't open.

It's still too nice to be here.