Old school

When I liberated my writhingly awful pre-teen novel from the depths of the closet, a bonus goldmine of old crap was in the same crate. I’m talking geometry homework, saucy short stories hidden in the back of school notebooks, unsent fan letters, college papers, even my sixth grade yearbook. I spent all last evening going through the crate, putting aside things to read later and tearing up anything that could identify me as the author of such embarrassing, self-absorbed drivel (which was practically everything, and I deeply fear that when the garbage men come next week, the bag is going to split and the pages are going to scatter throughout the neighborhood and one of my neighbors will gather them up and he or she will just happen to be a world-famous blogger and… Christ, you can imagine).

Anyway, as I began reading through those hundreds of pages, it reminded me of just how lonely adolescence could be. On the surface I look back and my school years were a blur of crushes, inside jokes, and trips to the mall. But there were also countless nights up in my room, struggling to deal with urgent thoughts and feelings. Do you remember that: longing for a boyfriend, feeling angry and scared after a fight with a friend, being squeezed in the vice of a crush, feeling like you had no control over anything? Ugh. That’s why I wrote so prolifically: I could be whomever I wanted, surround myself with whomever I wanted, be adored by whomever I wanted. Everything I wanted to have happen, happened.

Fortunately, sixth grade was a relatively simple time, so my yearbook provided some comic relief. I howled at this Year in Review:

Sargent Camp: In September, we went up to Sargent Camp. We stayed there for the week of the 26th-30th. It was in New Hampshire. We went on a night walk, hike to Mount Skatutakee, the high ropes course, the low ropes course, an adventure hike, made bracelets, painted, wetland ecology, played soccer, and played volleyball. On Friday, we left and got back at 3:30 and our parents gave us a ride home.

The Christmas Party: We had a Christmas party right before Christmas vacation. Mrs. Oliver’s class had a singing contest, five girls danced to the “Locomotion,” two girls danced to “Rhythm is Gonna Get Ya,” and five girls did a play (Editor’s note: I was in this play! It was called The Secrets Samantha Kept and it was about a girl who was being physically abused. It really deserves an entry of its own.) Mr. Russell’s class exchanged presents.

Middle Eastern Fair: This year we had a Middle Eastern Fair. There were countries such as Egypt, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Turkey, Lebanon, United Arab Emirates, Jordan, Israel, and Kuwait. It was from 9:00-12:00 in the morning. Some people prepared foods, such as dates. Most of the foods were very strange and gross looking. Most people hated it or were very bored. Only a few people liked it.

Science Fair: On May 25th, we had a Science Fair. It started at 9:00-12:30. We had projects like The Solar System, Colors, UFOs and Aliens (Editor’s note: MINE!), Clouds, The Eye, Brain, Rabbits, The Earth, Volcanoes, Stars, Water Pollution, Prism, Heart, Fat Content in Foods, Trees, Tornadoes, The Sun, Chameleons and Anoles, Electricity, The Spectrum, Crystals, Circuits, Telephones, Mountains and Biomes. We sat there for 3.5 hours. Everybody was bored but other people liked it a lot.

Long Recess: Every Wednesday we have a long recess for an hour. It’s really good but not if you get into trouble. When you get into trouble you have a long detention, which is staying in for the whole hour and write 4 pages of words. Sometimes there are shows and programs so then we don’t get our long recess. We usually get it the day after.

I also found some old Anatomy and Physiology homework from junior year. I don’t know how they let that guy teach. He was sweet, old and easygoing, so easygoing, in fact, that there were many days when he didn’t even teach. He’d just hand out a worksheet and then snooze at his desk, counting down the days until he could collect his pension. And he didn’t even read our homework. I actually got an A on a worksheet entitled “Locate and List Action of the Following Muscles” with answers like:

Obisularis oculi: The bones and/or muscles which are located near the eyes and do something cool.
Massater: Sounds like the word for mouth – which I just forgot. Let you know when I remember, okay?
Pterygoideus: I know you’re starting to make these up! What the heck is that? I don’t have one.
Medalis: I remember this one – does it have to do with the head? Sounds right – okay.
Lateralis: Sounds like a leg thing. It’s that long bone on the top of your leg. The big one.
Platysma: That’s the stuff in blood, right? Or is it that animal that has feet like a duck but is furry?
Pectorals major: Pectorals are the chest muscles. Guys with pecs look FINE.
Deltoid: The deltoid is like Delta, the airline. That’s the airline I took when I went to Florida in 1985. That was a long time ago. I was seven when I went.
Biceps bracchi: Biceps are another set of muscles that are very nice-looking on a male.
Flexoi carpi: Flexoi? What’s a flexoi?

And there were 7 more on the back that I didn’t even do! I fear for future generations.