Up until this weekend my life was just the tiniest bit incomplete because I had never seen a stripper, but guess what--now I have! Saturday night we went to this kid Brian's 30th birthday cookout, a kid Joe goes to school with who is a CPA by day and a gangsta by night. He's single, owns a house in the suburbs, and is the straightest guy, until somebody puts on Lil Jon & the East Side Boyz. Then his alter ego takes over and things get out of hand.
We showed up with two of Joe's other school friends, Lauren and Dave, so we would have built-in people to hang out with, and when we first got there it was pretty innocuous. There were only two other people there and they looked boring, and we got a tour of the house, and we stood around drinking and chitchatting. Later on though, more people started showing up, including about ten girls who looked like they were churned off the Forever 21 assembly line. Lots of tiny shorts and inappropriate shoes. They huddled together and giggled a lot. And one of them was a total bitch, sashaying around the deck trying to flirt with Dave.
Several beers and a few hours in, we all rounded up for what was supposed to just be cake but word had already gotten around that there was an ex-stripper at the party who was going to dust off her g-string and do a command performance. The bitch was a friend of hers, and she was running around trying to get the music cued up and making sure everybody was where they needed to be--we dubbed her The Madam.
After a lot of waiting for people to figure out how to work the laptop-iPod stereo hookup, the stripper came out. She had been there the entire time but we hadn't even noticed her, but suddenly she was 8 feet tall in these giant boots, and wearing a tiny tank top and shorts, and it was hard to believe it was the same girl. With my limited experience, her routine seemed pretty good but she did a lot of contortions, like putting her legs behind her head, that looked pretty unsexy. We were all impressed by her flexibility though. Then she stripped down to a g-string and took it up a notch from your typical lap dance. She smeared frosting on her tits and made Brian lick it off. Then she made him lie on his back and slithered all over him, biting the crotch of his shorts and practically sitting on his face.
Two things she did that almost ruined it: 1) she didn't take her top off, just pulled it up under her arms, and 2) she talked, saying stuff like, "Let's see if I can remember how to do this" and "My boyfriend is going to kill me; I'm going to smell so bad" after someone poured beer on them.
Right, like smelling like beer is why her boyfriend's going to be pissed? The reason she's an EX-stripper is because he made her stop. The Madam was clapping and yelling "Everybody cheer for Lisa!" and nobody really did because like, maybe we aren't quite as proud of your stripper friend as you are. We clapped politely, as if we were at a charity event.
After she was done, Brian had to go up and shower because he was covered in frosting and beer. While he was up there, three of the Forever 21 girls lined up outside his bedroom and asked if they could make out with him. Meanwhile, outside, the Madam was wishing she was hot enough to be a stripper because she flashed her bra to some guy and make him put a dollar between her breasts with his mouth. Later on, right before we left, she was standing on the picnic table and trying to get Dave to spank her with a wiffle ball bat. He had an evil look on his face and was gearing up to take a good swing but then he just smacked her lightly and we left.
On the way home we were planning to take Storrow Drive and we got off at the exit but the ramp was totally backed up. There were police cars but we couldn't see what was going on. 30 minutes later we crawled by the scene and this is what we saw:
We showed up with two of Joe's other school friends, Lauren and Dave, so we would have built-in people to hang out with, and when we first got there it was pretty innocuous. There were only two other people there and they looked boring, and we got a tour of the house, and we stood around drinking and chitchatting. Later on though, more people started showing up, including about ten girls who looked like they were churned off the Forever 21 assembly line. Lots of tiny shorts and inappropriate shoes. They huddled together and giggled a lot. And one of them was a total bitch, sashaying around the deck trying to flirt with Dave.
Several beers and a few hours in, we all rounded up for what was supposed to just be cake but word had already gotten around that there was an ex-stripper at the party who was going to dust off her g-string and do a command performance. The bitch was a friend of hers, and she was running around trying to get the music cued up and making sure everybody was where they needed to be--we dubbed her The Madam.
After a lot of waiting for people to figure out how to work the laptop-iPod stereo hookup, the stripper came out. She had been there the entire time but we hadn't even noticed her, but suddenly she was 8 feet tall in these giant boots, and wearing a tiny tank top and shorts, and it was hard to believe it was the same girl. With my limited experience, her routine seemed pretty good but she did a lot of contortions, like putting her legs behind her head, that looked pretty unsexy. We were all impressed by her flexibility though. Then she stripped down to a g-string and took it up a notch from your typical lap dance. She smeared frosting on her tits and made Brian lick it off. Then she made him lie on his back and slithered all over him, biting the crotch of his shorts and practically sitting on his face.
Two things she did that almost ruined it: 1) she didn't take her top off, just pulled it up under her arms, and 2) she talked, saying stuff like, "Let's see if I can remember how to do this" and "My boyfriend is going to kill me; I'm going to smell so bad" after someone poured beer on them.
Right, like smelling like beer is why her boyfriend's going to be pissed? The reason she's an EX-stripper is because he made her stop. The Madam was clapping and yelling "Everybody cheer for Lisa!" and nobody really did because like, maybe we aren't quite as proud of your stripper friend as you are. We clapped politely, as if we were at a charity event.
After she was done, Brian had to go up and shower because he was covered in frosting and beer. While he was up there, three of the Forever 21 girls lined up outside his bedroom and asked if they could make out with him. Meanwhile, outside, the Madam was wishing she was hot enough to be a stripper because she flashed her bra to some guy and make him put a dollar between her breasts with his mouth. Later on, right before we left, she was standing on the picnic table and trying to get Dave to spank her with a wiffle ball bat. He had an evil look on his face and was gearing up to take a good swing but then he just smacked her lightly and we left.
On the way home we were planning to take Storrow Drive and we got off at the exit but the ramp was totally backed up. There were police cars but we couldn't see what was going on. 30 minutes later we crawled by the scene and this is what we saw:
- a bulldozer-looking thing with a giant claw appendage, tearing up some steel girders; and
- a guy holding a hose and spraying the big claw.
Can somebody explain what they might have been doing? Because we were at a complete loss.
So, the night was definitely memorable! And better than when Carly and I got up close and personal with some nasty, stubbly male strippers a couple of years ago. Female strippers are just more fun to watch. The best part was that we were in a totally suburban backyard in Reading, with neighbors and swingsets and minivans. I love the idea that all over the country, debauchery is taking place in the places least suspected.
1 Comments:
I just read it twice and it was even better the second time!
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