I deal in truths, people, and this is one: Mark Bellhorn is the man. Seriously, he is an even bigger cult hero than Bill Murray. Your instinct is to say I'm full of shit, right? No, really, go look! Google his ass. People like him--check that, women like him. He's sexy, apparently.
I'm trying hard to figure out what it is. I adopted Bellhorn ages ago, dobbing him with the nickname Smellhorn, marveling at his greasy hair, counting his strikeouts and walks on a giant abacus, and double-dog-daring him to actually make contact. And I understand that, as females, we have the dual pleasure of being able to love the game as well as the good-looking men who play it. But of all the ballplayers out there, that veritable smorgasbord of bulging biceps and firm asses and rock hard thighs... Bellhorn?
I have a theory, of course. Bellhorn attracts a certain kind of woman who is either single with cats or with a man whom she feels doesn't understand her needs. Mark Bellhorn would make a Good Boyfriend. Because Bellhorn... he isn't merely quiet, he's sensitive, he's deep, he's sympathetic, maybe he writes verse and drinks Zinfandel. He's not comatose at the plate, he's zen, he's patient, he's selective. He waits for his perfect pitch just like he waits for the perfect woman to love him. He doesn't want to go to the bar with the guys... he wants to stay home and play Scrabble. He's not a jock; he plays the game for transcendent reasons, to clear his head and to absorb important lessons about winning and losing. He takes his time in bed and makes sure his woman enjoys it. He takes her shopping at stores she wants to shop at. There are a lot of females who want to get on his $2,750,000 salary but he sees right through it. He's waiting. And Bellhorn's girl? She doesn't have to be perfect, you see, because he's looking for someone who is beautiful on the inside.
I mean, isn't that what it is? Because what else could it be?
In other Red Sox related news, Curt Schilling has replaced John Edward as the biggest douche in the universe. Also, Joe and I came across a Which Red Sox Player Are You? quiz while doing our highly scientific Bellhorn research last night. For the record, I am Jason Varitek. I was very nearly Kevin Millar, but Varitek won the tie-breaking question. Joe is Theo Epstein, which was inevitable because "I am Jewish" skewed the results.
Who are you? Take the quiz: http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=4637
I'm trying hard to figure out what it is. I adopted Bellhorn ages ago, dobbing him with the nickname Smellhorn, marveling at his greasy hair, counting his strikeouts and walks on a giant abacus, and double-dog-daring him to actually make contact. And I understand that, as females, we have the dual pleasure of being able to love the game as well as the good-looking men who play it. But of all the ballplayers out there, that veritable smorgasbord of bulging biceps and firm asses and rock hard thighs... Bellhorn?
I have a theory, of course. Bellhorn attracts a certain kind of woman who is either single with cats or with a man whom she feels doesn't understand her needs. Mark Bellhorn would make a Good Boyfriend. Because Bellhorn... he isn't merely quiet, he's sensitive, he's deep, he's sympathetic, maybe he writes verse and drinks Zinfandel. He's not comatose at the plate, he's zen, he's patient, he's selective. He waits for his perfect pitch just like he waits for the perfect woman to love him. He doesn't want to go to the bar with the guys... he wants to stay home and play Scrabble. He's not a jock; he plays the game for transcendent reasons, to clear his head and to absorb important lessons about winning and losing. He takes his time in bed and makes sure his woman enjoys it. He takes her shopping at stores she wants to shop at. There are a lot of females who want to get on his $2,750,000 salary but he sees right through it. He's waiting. And Bellhorn's girl? She doesn't have to be perfect, you see, because he's looking for someone who is beautiful on the inside.
I mean, isn't that what it is? Because what else could it be?
In other Red Sox related news, Curt Schilling has replaced John Edward as the biggest douche in the universe. Also, Joe and I came across a Which Red Sox Player Are You? quiz while doing our highly scientific Bellhorn research last night. For the record, I am Jason Varitek. I was very nearly Kevin Millar, but Varitek won the tie-breaking question. Joe is Theo Epstein, which was inevitable because "I am Jewish" skewed the results.
Who are you? Take the quiz: http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=4637
3 Comments:
Ha! I was afraid of being Schilling too, because of "I like to write" and "I enjoy expressing my opinions." But "I support George Bush" saved me.
And I was Varitek.....nice.
It told me that I'm Schilling. SCHILLING! I think it was all based on saying I love my family, because I didn't say I support Bush. Or bloody socks. Or wives named Shonda. Or self-righteous fuck bunnies. I'm very upset right now.
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