The DMV would be a lot less crowded if they took licenses away from idiots

Here it comes, the most subjective assertion in history: "I am a good driver." If you think you're a good driver, just know it, okay? But don't bother saying it, because nobody else thinks so. If at your wedding they had asked, "If there is anyone present who feels that this man or woman should not be issued a driver's license in this or any other state, speak now or forever hold your peace," half the church would be waving their arms and going "OOH-OOH-OOH!" like Horshack.

Do I think I'm a good driver? Yes. In spite of the fact that I give my friends heart attacks? Yes. Even though I have been known to jump lanes, play games with other cars, tailgate, cross the yellow line to avoid buses, pass on single-lane roads, etc.? Yes. I know not everyone agrees, and I respect that; I'd much rather drive than be driven, and I get nervous when others are driving as well, whether they're risk-takers or not. Giving up control is tough.

Why do I think I'm a good driver, then? Well, a lot of it is due to the fact that I learned to drive in Boston and honed my skill in New York (of course, the rub is that this is exactly why people are afraid to drive with me). There's not much else out there, challenge-wise. I can successfully box out a NYC cabbie on the Brooklyn Bridge on-ramp. I can parallel park in a space that, mathematically, is 3.5 inches shorter than my car. I can back a U-Haul up a street lined with cars on both sides without so much as clipping a mirror. I'm not reckless; I'm confident, alert, and I try to anticipate what other drivers are going to do, like my mom drilled into my head way back when.

The other reason I think I'm a good driver is because my main objective is to get the fuck out of people's way. I try, I tell you, but it's very difficult because there are millions of people (who also think they're good drivers) who I swear are out there with the objective if getting in as many people's way as possible. You know these drivers... they are the ones you always seem to end up behind, the ones who:

• can't commit to one lane
• chronically go 5 miles or more below the speed limit
• back out of their driveway and then sit there in reverse so you almost barrel into them because they should have been going forward by now
• look for change under the seats and shit during red lights and you know they're not going to notice when it turns green and then, of course, they don't
• don't realize that we have right on red in Massachusetts
• go ten miles an hour when they're trying to find an address rather than risk passing it and having to turn around
• are so afraid to turn left they they will only go when there are no cars within a three-block radius
• stop and back up on a busy road if they miss a turn
• wave everyone ahead of them, even when it's no longer reasonable to do so
• signal left on a busy road without also moving to the leftmost edge of the lane, thus preventing others from getting around and continuing straight
• use the left- or right-turn-only lane to get ahead and then try to sneak into the middle lane at the last second
• et cetera, ad infinitum

If I had to choose, overall, which extreme of driver pisses me off more, the risk-takers or the overly cautious, I'll pick the cautious any day. The speed-demon is out of my life quicker. The slow person with their blinker on for two miles kills me slowly and painfully, every day of my life. You can't just drive defensively, you have to have a strong offense too... isn't that what Coach Belichick would say? And he should know.