Today we went to the reception of the shotgun wedding we attended back in August. Yeah, I don't know, that's how they wanted to do it. It was a decent time, we had fun... good food, bad DJ (though I feel bad saying that because he did try--the crowd was limp save for the middle-aged women leaping out of their seats when he played the Electric Slide), old faces, all lubricated by red wine.
An old acquaintence from college whom I haven't seen in 6 years was there. This guy and I met in a class freshman year. Our history started on a random day when I stopped by his dorm room... his roommates happened to both not be there, he made a rico suave move, and we hooked up. After that we'd make out after class with Dave Matthews or Blues Traveler on the stereo, which was exciting for a while but fizzled out after a few weeks. He was a bad kisser, a slobberer who would suck up your whole mouth and abrade your cheeks and chin with his goatee. In spite of that, we continued to hook up every so often; we'd find each other online--remember how you could funger people to see if they were on?--and he'd ask me if I was dating anyone, and if I wasn't and I felt like it, I'd invite him over. If my roommate was around we'd go into the study lounge and push the couch up against the door.
Fast forward to sophomore year. I was coming off a breakup and invited him over one night. We had sex for the first and only time, awful, miserable rebound sex. On my roommate's bed no less, because I had a loft. In the morning he said, "You didn't seem very into it." That was it for us.
Fast forward to a couple years ago, my friend (the bride) told me he was getting married to one of her distant friends, who also went to school with us but was a year or two behind. We had a conversation that went like this:
Her: You and [Guy] had sex, right?
Me: Yeah, once.
Her: That's what I thought. I remember seeing you at the Live concert and you holding up your fingers and me saying, '[Guy]?'
Me: Yup.
Her: He told [his wife] she was the only one he'd ever been with.
Me: Oh shit, really?
Her: She and I were talking and I said something about you and she was like, 'That's not true, he's never been with anyone else.'
Me: So she thinks I'm a liar.
Her: Well, it's either you or her fiance... who's she gonna believe?
Me: Right.
Her: Even though you don't have any reason to lie.
Me: None.
Her: Whatever, he's sketchy anyway.
Me: It's kind of funny. Like he's such a prize that I'd lie about getting him.
Her: Well, I guess he is, to her.
Me: I wonder how many other girls he pretended not to have sex with?
Her: She probably doesn't allow herself to think about that.
Fast forward to today. It was inevitable that we would end up at the same party someday. Carly and Joe and Professor K and I were at the bar and they came up behind us. Without hesitation I turned, put my surprise face on, and said "[Guy] and [wife]? Oh my god, how are you?" We shook hands and exchanged small talk. I hoped my friendliness made him uncomfortable. I wanted the message behind my smile to be, "You don't think I know, but I do." His wife was nice but he was stiff and barely spoke except to say "Oh yeah?" and laugh nervously a few times.
After that, the wine tasted uncommonly satisfying.
An old acquaintence from college whom I haven't seen in 6 years was there. This guy and I met in a class freshman year. Our history started on a random day when I stopped by his dorm room... his roommates happened to both not be there, he made a rico suave move, and we hooked up. After that we'd make out after class with Dave Matthews or Blues Traveler on the stereo, which was exciting for a while but fizzled out after a few weeks. He was a bad kisser, a slobberer who would suck up your whole mouth and abrade your cheeks and chin with his goatee. In spite of that, we continued to hook up every so often; we'd find each other online--remember how you could funger people to see if they were on?--and he'd ask me if I was dating anyone, and if I wasn't and I felt like it, I'd invite him over. If my roommate was around we'd go into the study lounge and push the couch up against the door.
Fast forward to sophomore year. I was coming off a breakup and invited him over one night. We had sex for the first and only time, awful, miserable rebound sex. On my roommate's bed no less, because I had a loft. In the morning he said, "You didn't seem very into it." That was it for us.
Fast forward to a couple years ago, my friend (the bride) told me he was getting married to one of her distant friends, who also went to school with us but was a year or two behind. We had a conversation that went like this:
Her: You and [Guy] had sex, right?
Me: Yeah, once.
Her: That's what I thought. I remember seeing you at the Live concert and you holding up your fingers and me saying, '[Guy]?'
Me: Yup.
Her: He told [his wife] she was the only one he'd ever been with.
Me: Oh shit, really?
Her: She and I were talking and I said something about you and she was like, 'That's not true, he's never been with anyone else.'
Me: So she thinks I'm a liar.
Her: Well, it's either you or her fiance... who's she gonna believe?
Me: Right.
Her: Even though you don't have any reason to lie.
Me: None.
Her: Whatever, he's sketchy anyway.
Me: It's kind of funny. Like he's such a prize that I'd lie about getting him.
Her: Well, I guess he is, to her.
Me: I wonder how many other girls he pretended not to have sex with?
Her: She probably doesn't allow herself to think about that.
Fast forward to today. It was inevitable that we would end up at the same party someday. Carly and Joe and Professor K and I were at the bar and they came up behind us. Without hesitation I turned, put my surprise face on, and said "[Guy] and [wife]? Oh my god, how are you?" We shook hands and exchanged small talk. I hoped my friendliness made him uncomfortable. I wanted the message behind my smile to be, "You don't think I know, but I do." His wife was nice but he was stiff and barely spoke except to say "Oh yeah?" and laugh nervously a few times.
After that, the wine tasted uncommonly satisfying.
2 Comments:
That whole thing is crazy! Why would she want to have been the only one he'd ever slept with? That would only make me wonder why he was never able to acquire ass before me. Also, I happened to have blogged about my own weird college guy experience this weekend. They're out in full force, apparently.
????? Dude sounds like a Schmucky Fungerson. And what does this chick do for a living anyway?? My guess is that she manually masterbates caged animals for artificial insemination.
Post a Comment
<< Home