Member of the Press Corps: Gabe, you’ve just announced that you’re retiring from baseball to become skipper of the Red Sox Class-A Greenville Drive. You’re only 31 years old. Why now?
Gabe Kapler: After a lot of deliberation, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll be able to have more of an impact on the game as a manager and leader. I’m very grateful to the organization for affording me this extraordinary opportunity.
PC: Is that the only reason?
GK: Well, managing will allow me to spend more time with my family. I also want to devote time to my foundation and educating the public about domestic violence. Ladies: if you’re ever in an abusive relationship, call me and I will come over to your house and personally beat the crap out of the bastard. I’ll stalk him at work, at the strip club, at his mistress’s, whatever you need.
PC: What kind of contribution do you hope to make in Greenville?
GK: I think I’ll be able to make a big contribution to the club. I feel I really understand the mentality of Single-A players. At that level, natural athletic talent can really carry you and I want to help the players maintain realistic expectations. Take me; I was a star in Single-A. By the time I got to the majors, it was apparent that I didn’t have the speed, coordination or instincts to really excel. I mean, look at my stats: .270 lifetime average and only 64 home runs over nine seasons. With this physique? Something just wasn’t clicking. I just don’t want these guys to get up there and be disappointed.
PC: Well, we weren’t going to be the ones to say it.
GK: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do. Besides, being a backup outfielder wasn’t very exciting. I think managing will be more of a challenge. Plus I’ll be in South Carolina: beach, barbecue, year round golf… pretty sweet.
PC: Are there any other reasons?
GK: You guys are so damn pushy. If you have to know, playing in the majors was really starting to take its toll on me physically.
PC: Are you referring to the Achilles rupture you suffered a couple years back?
GK: No. I mean in general. Like, all the air travel was totally fucking up my skin. It used to be perfect but now I get these dry patches, but my forehead’s oily. What’s up with that?
PC: …
GK: Especially when we’d go to the West Coast, the time change would mess with my sleep. I started to get dark circles. I asked the trainers about it, but there wasn’t really anything they could do. Plus I was riding the bench a lot, so I was afraid my ass was starting to spread.
PC: Okay…
GK: So, you know, I’ll be glad to be down South. The humidity will probably help… with the skin thing, I mean.
PC: You could try a really good moisturizer, like Kiehl’s or La Mer. Uhh, I mean, are you planning to model your management style after any of the great skippers?
GK: I tried some goop my wife uses, but it didn’t help. I’m just concentrating on staying hydrated. I can’t wait to get set up down there. I’m planning to build this outdoor gym, right? Right on the beach… put my Bowflex out there, treadmill, elliptical, press, full set of barbells, plasma TV so I can analyze tape while I run, and a full-length mirror so I can do muscle poses and kiss my biceps. Plus this state-of-the-art machine I have that tracks your vitals. I get a technician from the manufacturer to come by every three months to recalibrate it. I'll also have an outdoor shower and a wet bar so I can make protein shakes and smoothies. I really can’t wait.
PC: Nice. Can I come over?
GK: Sure, come for Shabbos. But leave your tape recorder at the door. And don’t go near my wife. I heard about you and Anna Benson. Look at these guns. I could make your face eat itself with one blow.
PC: Is that a threat?
GK: All I’m saying is, you’d best mind your manners.
PC: Uh, thanks for your time. [overheard] Chuck, bring the van around, now.
Gabe Kapler: After a lot of deliberation, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll be able to have more of an impact on the game as a manager and leader. I’m very grateful to the organization for affording me this extraordinary opportunity.
PC: Is that the only reason?
GK: Well, managing will allow me to spend more time with my family. I also want to devote time to my foundation and educating the public about domestic violence. Ladies: if you’re ever in an abusive relationship, call me and I will come over to your house and personally beat the crap out of the bastard. I’ll stalk him at work, at the strip club, at his mistress’s, whatever you need.
PC: What kind of contribution do you hope to make in Greenville?
GK: I think I’ll be able to make a big contribution to the club. I feel I really understand the mentality of Single-A players. At that level, natural athletic talent can really carry you and I want to help the players maintain realistic expectations. Take me; I was a star in Single-A. By the time I got to the majors, it was apparent that I didn’t have the speed, coordination or instincts to really excel. I mean, look at my stats: .270 lifetime average and only 64 home runs over nine seasons. With this physique? Something just wasn’t clicking. I just don’t want these guys to get up there and be disappointed.
PC: Well, we weren’t going to be the ones to say it.
GK: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do. Besides, being a backup outfielder wasn’t very exciting. I think managing will be more of a challenge. Plus I’ll be in South Carolina: beach, barbecue, year round golf… pretty sweet.
PC: Are there any other reasons?
GK: You guys are so damn pushy. If you have to know, playing in the majors was really starting to take its toll on me physically.
PC: Are you referring to the Achilles rupture you suffered a couple years back?
GK: No. I mean in general. Like, all the air travel was totally fucking up my skin. It used to be perfect but now I get these dry patches, but my forehead’s oily. What’s up with that?
PC: …
GK: Especially when we’d go to the West Coast, the time change would mess with my sleep. I started to get dark circles. I asked the trainers about it, but there wasn’t really anything they could do. Plus I was riding the bench a lot, so I was afraid my ass was starting to spread.
PC: Okay…
GK: So, you know, I’ll be glad to be down South. The humidity will probably help… with the skin thing, I mean.
PC: You could try a really good moisturizer, like Kiehl’s or La Mer. Uhh, I mean, are you planning to model your management style after any of the great skippers?
GK: I tried some goop my wife uses, but it didn’t help. I’m just concentrating on staying hydrated. I can’t wait to get set up down there. I’m planning to build this outdoor gym, right? Right on the beach… put my Bowflex out there, treadmill, elliptical, press, full set of barbells, plasma TV so I can analyze tape while I run, and a full-length mirror so I can do muscle poses and kiss my biceps. Plus this state-of-the-art machine I have that tracks your vitals. I get a technician from the manufacturer to come by every three months to recalibrate it. I'll also have an outdoor shower and a wet bar so I can make protein shakes and smoothies. I really can’t wait.
PC: Nice. Can I come over?
GK: Sure, come for Shabbos. But leave your tape recorder at the door. And don’t go near my wife. I heard about you and Anna Benson. Look at these guns. I could make your face eat itself with one blow.
PC: Is that a threat?
GK: All I’m saying is, you’d best mind your manners.
PC: Uh, thanks for your time. [overheard] Chuck, bring the van around, now.
1 Comments:
This totally happened. No one saw it because the media was too busy tracking the flight with Scott Boras and Dice-K.
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